Where in the World Can Migos Meet the Plug?
Including a womb, on the back of a dolphin in the middle of the ocean, and the set of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'.
If there is one thing Migos are not short of it is plugs. Sometimes they look like Pacquiao. Sometimes they are John Gotti. Sometimes they get finessed. However, they always have drugs. Migos’ rise to stardom over the past year has affected their previously carefree relationship with their plugs. The feds are, after all, watching—whether you're fresh as hell or not, but probably, especially, if you are fresh as hell. Migos used to be able to simply walk up and exchange duffle bags of money for duffle bags of drugs. A simple bando visit is no longer feasible. Now, they have to meet them and .
To help out everyone’s favorite epizeuxis-loving trappers-turned-rappers, I have taken upon myself to compile a list of places that they can meet the plug to evade the long arm of Johnny Law.
Fjords are so damn peaceful and tranquil. Federal agents would never suspect drug deals were happening in such a majestic landscape. Shouts out to glacial erosions.
AN ACTIVE, ERUPTING VOLC
Pretty much the opposite of a fjord and quite dangerous, an active, erupting volcano would be the perfect location to meet the plug. Magma is a known 12 repellent.
SANDY ISLAND, NEW CALEDONIA
Sandy Island is the mysterious spectre island that never really existed that was included in Google Maps. The National Geographic Society rejected its validity in 2012. Some cartographers say it is like Hogwarts’ Room of Requirement, and that it will rise out of the ocean for those needing its services for drug deals.
ON THE BACK OF A DOLPHIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN
Dolphins are fast and can outswim any boat or helicopter that has ever been made. Don’t believe me? Well, check Guiness because a got-damn dolphin owns both the water and land speed world records. Plus, it would be like an IRL version of Ecco the Dolphin adventure.
Migos could shrink themselves down using the power of language and traverse through a woman’s peehole and travel until they had to hurdle over the vas deferens and female prostate, wiggle down the fallopians, until they arrived in the woman’s stomach where babies are planted by storks. If a cop tried to get up in there to chase them, a woman could simply invoke Title IX and reject their warrant. Her body; her right.
As the great urban prophet Cameron Giles once opined:
“But the eight whips I’m bout to trade for a spaceship.
Call me NASA Man, Inside’s plasma, fam
I got a warrant? I’m in orbit. Come after Cam.”
Fuck the earthbound and intergalactic police.
One does not simply finesse into Mordor.
A "WHERE'S WALDO" BOOK SCENE
Good luck, Feds. See how long it takes you to find all three Migos above then multiply that duration by a gazillion. That’s how long it would take law enforcement because police are dumb.
ON THE SET OF TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III
After acquiring that ancient Japanese scepter, Migos would essentially be phantoms. Feds would never stand a chance.
BACK TO THE PAST
With the ancient Japanese scepter in their possession, Migos have free reign to meet the plug anywhere. Imagine Migos trapping drugs and trapping pelts.
BACK TO THE FUTURE
Meet George Jetson.
His Boy Quavo.
Offset, his son.
BACK TO BACK TO THE FUTURE
I really feel like the Migos would flourish in the future. Advanced trapping technology would eliminate the need for excessive pot beating (curing Offset’s advanced Carpal Tunnel Syndrome) and reducing environmental waste tenfold. The future also probably has pneumatic tubes running everywhere making drug deliveries more convenient.
ONTO THE SET OF THE 1995 SINBAD CLASSIC HOUSEGUEST
The only thing that could have made this movie any better would have been the comedic stylings of Migos. Quavo has such a rare feel for timing. I can see it now: The feds close in on Migos but they escape by whipping the country club electric golf cart with the same ferociousness and acumen they display when whipping the dope. Their addition would have brought a whole new element to the wine tasting scene where all the white people dance to "Brick House."
Migos are essentially rap game Gobo, Wembley, and Boober. Retreating to a subterranean life may not seem ideal, but you will find no police, only happiness.
Finesse your bricks away,
Juugin’ for another day.
Let the music play,
No droughts in Fraggle Rock.
I LOVE LUCY
Migos could surreptitiously hide from police in Ricky’s band. They already know Spanish from meeting their Venezuelan plug, and it’s a perfect tie-in because the girl’s father they talk about in “In Yo Life” is from Cuba. He could be the one who gets them the job as he is a friend of Ricky’s from the old country. Serving up tons and tons of the midgets in plain sight. Just think of all the calamities Lucy and Quavo could get into!
WENT FROM WHIPPING DOPE TO WHIPPING GALLARDOS
BEATING THE POT LIKE ITS BONGOS CALL ME RICKY RICARDO
INSIDE FREEWAY’S BEARD
Two words: Migos, Two Letters, M & M’s
Finesse Plugs, Fuck Cops
Beard Butter, Struck Pots
Bauce Sauce is the One True Plug. He's on Twitter - @BauceSauce