Relax and Realign Your Chakras With Spiritual Reworkings of Slayer and Slipknot

A unique trend solves the problem many young Yogi have been waiting for: being able to meditate while listening to songs about cowboys in hell.

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Aug 11 2014, 10:37am

On a deep trawl through the darker reaches of Spotify's catalogue - venturing past pan pipe reworks of indie hits and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout mix - I stumbled upon something called 'Yogafication'. A process, if you haven't already guessed, that involves reworking pop songs into the sort of calming arse-flute sound that usually accompanies the realignment of the Vishudda chakra.

It all seemed a bit weird - maybe because there's something distressing about the wildly eclectic mixture of songs reimagined for the purpose of striking a pose but also because quite a lot of the songs involve negative things, like cowboys from hell, rape, and misogyny. But then again, maybe Yogis have waited too long to enjoy something other than more traditional ambient wind-chime and calming ocean soundboard accompaniments. So, grab a mat, lay flat, and lets explore an undiscovered realm of harps, glockenspiels, xylophones, and Slipknot. As we reach for a higher plane, let's try not to slice our own ears off in the process.

Here's a few of the more questionable things to "breathe in and out" to while attempting the Seated Twist.

"BLURRED LINES" - Robin Thicke

Lets begin with the thought of money raining down on the sweating grimace of Robin Thicke. Semi-nude girls jiggling around him as we centre ourselves. And when it gets to the bit when T.I raps about "Tearing your ass in two" try to block out his misogynist bullshit and really lean into that stretch.

Suggested Pose: Recalcitrant Dog

"POLLY" - Nirvana

As we move from our starting pose, what better way to get our chakras spinning than with a classic from the pen of Kurt Cobain about the rape and torture of a teenage girl.

Suggested Pose: Polly Wants A Cobra

"SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY" - U2

After that rather upsetting interlude I'm sure memories of sectarian violence can pull us through our next pose. Can you imagine doing yoga with Bono? Do you reckon he still wears his sunglasses or a leather jacket?

Suggested Pose: Bending Bono

"RED RIGHT HAND" - Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds

You might be wondering if we can maintain your composure, but don't worry. This track slowly unravels vengeful Gods and blood strewn wastelands and starts to sound like a Muppet Babies cover of the theme from In The Night Garden. You are in the garden now and Nick Cave is dressed as Igglepiggle. What's that glinting in his hand? You are at peace. Breathe.

Suggested Pose: Red Right Headstand

"SNUFF" - Slipknot

One of the original lyrics to this is: "I couldn't face a life without your light". Who knew the guys that once vomited in their own mask on stage could write poetic one-liners that are ideal for transcendent repose?

Suggested Pose: Supple Goat Surprise

"STINKFIST" - Tool

I like to imagine that if James Maynard Keenan had been asked to co-write the music for Holiday On Ice with Enya this is what it would have sounded like.

Suggested Pose: The Insolent Tool

"SEASONS IN THE ABYSS" - Slayer

At this point all the tracks started to sound the same, featuring earthly wind instruments and spiritual synths, but what the hell? Why not attempt the Cobra and listen to a band whose lyrics cover topics such as serial killers, necrophilia, Satanism, religion, anti-religion and warfare. Feel it! You are at peace.

Suggested Pose: Crane In Blood

"HEY BROTHER" - Avicii

Actually this is infinitely more palatable Avicii's electro vs country vs taste original. Although - and this is where a mat with extra grip comes in handy - try to to lose your balance when the drop hits hard at the three minute mark and you're chewing your face off.

Suggested Pose: EDM Eagle

"COWBOYS FROM HELL" - Pantera

I'm convinced this is a mistake and this is actually incidental music from a corridor scene in a Harry Potter porn parody. You know, where Ron stumbles into Harry, they exchange a glance, maybe a few words, and then inexplicably enter into a fourty minute scenario.

Suggested Pose: The Downward Dobby

"PARTY ROCK ANTHEM" - LMFAO

Now it's time for a period of winding down and what better theme for that than with bro rap played on a harp? Everyone in the Ashram stop shuffling and remember, if you take one thing with you today: hating IS bad (for the higher consciousness).

Suggested Pose: Pro-Bro Noose Pose

"POKER FACE" - Lady Gaga

And as we finish up, we enter into the mantra faze. Chanting 'Om' is said to put you at one with the primordial essence of the universe. The creepy-as-fuck xylophone solo on this track will have a similar effect. Namaste motherfuckers.

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