We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume Five
We regret everything.
We here at Noisey love music. We spend all day listening to music, talking about music, writing about music, arguing about music, making fun of music, and eating Cheetos from the snack room. So sometimes, we decide to open up the floodgates and review literally whatever we're sent for 30 minutes. Often times, this sucks because there is a lot of shitty music out there, but other times, you discover Dhananjay the First and remember why the internet is the most beautiful thing that's ever existed. Today, Noisey editors Drew Millard, Kyle Kramer, and Eric Sundermann take the honor.
Nathan Simm - "DnB 10 min promo"
Kyle: Ah, a ten minute drum n' bass mix. Just the thing to get this and every party started. Although a two minute drum n' bass mix would probably also work because that seems like about the maximum amount of time anyone could possibly stay at a party playing only drum n' bass.
Eric: This guy “made this for a contest” and “pretty much winged it” and it sounds like Skrillex took too much adderall but then again I’m a sucker for the bass drop.
Drew: I like drums, I like bass, but I generally do not like drum n’ bass. This is no exception, but shouts out to this dude having the temerity to make drum n’ bass even though literally no one is asking him to.
Ryu vs. MBison - "All This Booty is Making Me Ill"
Drew: Maybe white people should leave Miami Bass in the past and not ruin it like they have ruined literally every other cool thing ever.
Kyle: This is marked "comedy" so I assume it's supposed to be a parody. The first problem is that actual 2 Live Crew is intentionally both funnier and more vulgar than this, which makes this a really shitty parody. The list of other problems with this is infinite. This is a top 10 worst submission to this feature for sure.
Eric: Sometimes I’ll listen to these random submissions and think about the process of people recording them. Like, this took somebody at least a few hours to record and produce it and imagine if that person took that time and just jumped into traffic instead.
Human Fish - "Human Error"
Kyle: You can't rap the phrase "you're on that garbage time rhyme scheme" and do it off beat. It kind of undermines your point. That is quite the human error, my friend.
Eric: This guy listened to Yeezus too much. Or maybe not enough.
Drew: These dudes seemed really eager to have their shit reviewed by us, which, y’know, respect. Too bad this kid sounds like he’s recording straight into GarageBand after listening to Deltron 3030 one too many times. This sounds like what it would have sounded like if the one rap I made when I was 19 ever mysteriously found its way to YouTube.
Goodnight Brother - “Lambchop and Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap”
Kyle: The 90s are hot right now, so a song about Lambchop is a good look. I like the saxophone. This is dumb and funny, but that's what 90s indie rock is all about, so I'd say it's about on the same level as Pavement.
Eric: Hey, Pavement is pretty cool! And so is this song. It’s catchy and bouncy and I imagine listening to this while crushing on a girl I am too nervous to make a move on.
Drew: This is pretty catchy? And unlike the song above this one, it sounds like shit on purpose!
Symbols - “Death Valley”
Kyle: Yes, my favorite type of music: Not Music! When people complain about hipsters, this video and all the people involved are the literal, exact thing that they are thinking of. This is fucking terrible and all their college degrees should be revoked if any of them actually think it's art.
Eric: Kyle, calling someone a hipster is the first sign of you yourself being a hipster, you hipster.
Drew: Someone clearly spent a fair amount of money on this video, which makes me sad. No one’s parents should blindly fund their pipe dreams.
No Peddlers - No Peddlers & Mass Dist All Stars Rap Mix Tape 2012
Kyle: That car with the word "Rap" on it is what all rap bloggers like myself drive. Just kidding! Rap bloggers, like these guys, neither have nor deserve jobs.
Eric: Guys, it’s a Rap Mix Tape!
Pdwubs - “Preparing the Trappy Patty”
Kyle: Holy fuck, this has 210,000 plays? You kids will listen to anything these days. Is this a ringtone?
Eric: Could you imagine if they played this every time you got a burger at McDonald’s?
Drew: Just because you’re making a Spongebob-themed festival trap parody doesn’t excuse you from having made a song that sounds like a chicken dying from autoerotic asphyxiation.
Eli Cash - LowKey's Coming
Kyle: Oh fuck! This guy's Soundcloud profile pic was taken like two blocks from my old apartment in Chicago. It is definitely his fault that the neighborhood was going to yuppie shit. This sounds like a Macklemore album cut from 2006.
Drew: He says “flava,” “funky,” and “you could label me as a great white” within the first 30 seconds. I can only assume that the human is eminently punchable.
Eric: This kind of sounds like LFO’s “Summer Girls” crossed with 311 and something that Eli Cash will be regret more than Macklemore regrets accidentally dressing in an anti-semitic costume on stage.
Drew: WE GOT SENT A SONG ON A MYSPACE. I REPEAT. WE GOT SENT A SONG ON MYSPACE. THIS IS A WATERSHED MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE “WE REVIEWED LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU SENT US” COLUMN FRANCHISE.
Kyle: Actually, someone sent us a track from Myspace last month. Anyway, I guess is breakfast-themed hardcore, which is not a terrible concept for a band.
Eric: Breakfast fucking rules, and I like how this sounds like someone squealing because they are very, very hungry.
Duru tha King - “Salt Burn”
Drew: Who is this dude? He seems chill, and he’s from North Carolina and makes the kind of lush ass songs on the cheap that can only be made in the age of computers. Yes, he kinda sounds like a Kendrick Lamar ripoff, but who doesn’t sound like a Kendrick Lamar ripoff these days?
Kyle: North Carolina! Can someone make me a loop of this guy just sing-rapping "I am the reeealest" over and over? This beat is kind of nice even if it sounds like it was made on an iPad. Like Drew said, it sounds like bootleg Kendrick Lamar, but I like it.
Eric: Hey guys, did you know both Drew and Kyle are from North Carolina? Anyway, this is the best thing I’ve heard so far—which honestly isn’t saying much but it is catchy.
Presidencee x Coffee Black - "Ms. Purple"
Drew: Oh good, it’s a rapper casting the casual, clumsy misogyny spell! Effects include: no hype, suckiness, everyone ignoring this bozo until he dies alone and unloved.
Kyle: I feel like I'm stuck in an elevator with that shitty guy from high school who was always making "make me a sandwich" jokes and wore Livestrong bands.
Eric: This dude sounds like if someone called him “real hip-hop” he’d be fucking amped.
Déve Project - “Never Enough”
Drew: Jeez, can’t people just let the 80s die already? This sounds like if you gave one of Gary Wilson’s Hawaiian shirts a Pro Tools tutorial.
Kyle: This would be a pretty good song to use if someone wanted to bring back Rick Rolling and use something more obnoxious.
Eric: Man, the 80s were cool and I support trying to make music influenced by that era but this guy sounds like he found a copy of the Wedding Singer on VHS and an old vocoder in his parents’ basement.
Carletta Sue Kay - “Cruel, Cruel Man”
Drew: Carletta Sue Kay is Randy Walker, who used to work at Amoeba Records in San Francisco, sings like cabaret Satan, and had a New York Times article written about him that I took all of this information from.
Kyle: Dude, I don't even know. I feel like I'm trapped at a bad musical, but at least the guy can sing.
Eric: This feels like something that, if we make fun of it, a commenter will be like, “Hey fuck you guys you don’t know anything because you don’t like this and you like Yung Lean!” On that note though, I do enjoy this. Dude reminds me of Meat Loaf. Wait—is that Meat Loaf?
The Accident - “Fun Never Starts”
Kyle: My skull is caving in on itself. Good message about self-image or something, I guess. Bleep. Bloop. Okay, this is kind of growing on me.
Eric: I hate this.
Jean Jacket - “Super Party Cups”
Drew: If you’re calling yourself “Jean Jacket” and making a song called “Super Party Cups,” it better be really fucking good, because even if this song was so good it gave me a boner I’d still be annoyed by it. Sure enough, I like this song in spite of its name, the music video, the overall vibe, the guy’s voice, and pretty much everything else about it. Oh wait, I fucking hate this.
Kyle: This needs like 4000 times more guitars and 4000 times less of everything that is in it. This band's first language clearly isn't English because there is no indication they have any idea what a party is.
Eric: My internet is kind of sketchy right now and I’ve been trying to play this song for about ten minutes and still can’t stream it so I’m going to go ahead and trust Kyle and Drew and assume this song blows and I’ve already wasted too much time trying to listen to it.
Wake Up - “Forever Home”
Kyle: Guitars are so chill.
Eric: I like this. There are probably a thousand bands that sound exactly like it. But I still like it.
Drew: Why would you ever listen to music that was boring on purpose.
Gravel Kings - “More Alive”
Drew: Ah, yes, a more fuckboyishly-rendered Mumford & Sons. It’s not what the world wanted, IT’S WHAT THE WORLD DEMANDED.
Kyle: Gahhhh I hope those woods burn down.
Eric: Don’t Let Gravel Kings Trick You Into Liking Them
Lil B - “Hoop Life”
Drew: Yo, seriously, somebody—probably Golden State—should sign Lil B to a one-day contract and let him play like the last minute of the first quarter. They would make a million dollars.
Kyle: Fuck Kevin Durant.
Eric: Drew, that would make sense if Golden State were still in the playoffs.
Penetrate My Memory - “Andillusion”
Drew: Man, this sounded fuckin dope until the vocals kicked in. Jesus invented the Vocoder so this dude could discover it and have his songs not suck dick.
Kyle: It's cool how technology has democratized the production of music so that anyone who wants to fart around and pretend to be Morrissey can make a song like this and tag it #Darkwave and make me want to move somewhere where there are no computers or recorded sound.
Eric: The bio of this: “Wrote this entirely using texts from the one I adore -we write poetry for ourselves.” I hope they break up and he trips and falls down some stairs.
The Sly Persuaders - “Hey Faustus! / Rachel”
Drew: I can’t tell if this is smart people making dumb music on purpose, or dumb people trying to make smart music and failing. Either way, I hate the fact that I even have to wonder about this.
Kyle: That's a pretty cool riff. I think if you are the kind of person who buys cassettes this might be a decent investment for £1.
Eric: It sounds like these guys like lifting weights.
DLF - “Dusting off the Cobwebs”
Drew: I don’t really have the critical base to judge super old-school sounding techno, but this seems fine I guess.
Kyle: I like that these guys look like a cheesy wedding band but are in fact a cheesy analog techno group. That's pretty dope. I would let them play my wedding for sure, especially if it was in some weird warehouse.
Eric: I watched the new Star Trek over the weekend and it was pretty cool.
Wednesday - “Make Shift”
Drew: This is the part of this exercise in ramming your head against a wall where everything that doesn’t overtly suck goats tends to sound amazing. But even still, I think this might actually be sort of an amazing, progressive song.
Kyle: I suspect this secretly took like 30 seconds to make, but it sounds kind of awesome, and I bet that low end rips on good speakers.
Spillway - "As Astronauts or Atoms"
Drew: Why do man get guitar.
Kyle: The emo revival is real.
Eric: How many times will bands use a drawing of a robot and think it will make them seem like they have a cool indie rock aesthetic?
Royale - “Take a Minute”
Drew: Pro tip: If your band sounds like a hybrid of 311, the String Cheese Incident, and Minus the Bear, no good can possibly come from you going out of your way to let us know you exist. Were these guys too busy copying Bradley Nowell’s diary by hand when they were teenagers to develop the capacity for thought?
Eric: Drew and Kyle have done such a good job at destroying this piece of musical trash that anything I write will only take away from their brilliance.
Ephixa - “Lost Woods (Dubstep Remix)”
Drew: THIS. IS. A. DUBSTEP. REMIX. OF. THE. LEGEND. OF. ZELDA. CAN. IT. STOP. 20 million YouTube views can’t be wrong, except when they’re extremely wrong.
Kyle: I never really understood the appeal of the Zelda games, but I 100 percent understand the appeal of this, which is that all of you people are fucking nerds.
Eric: I was a PlayStation guy.
Drew: No comment.
Kyle: New Kanye.
Eric: New Drugazi.
AllanKingdom - “mediocre”
Drew: Wow, this guy didn’t do the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing by calling his song “mediocre.” In order to do that, he’d have had to call it “Total Fuckshit.”
Kyle: Did this guy learn how to sing from a Furby?
Eric: Music is dope.