Survey Says Metalheads Least Likely to Have a Side Piece

A new poll finds that metalheads are the least likely to do their romantic partners dirty.

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Jun 16 2015, 6:51pm

Man, it's sure been a big month for metal science. First, we found out that metalheads are the most dedicated Spotify listeners; then, we discovered which American state rocks the hardest of them all (hint: Bon Jovi is inexplicably not involved). Now, a new survey's just come out that claims that, not only are metal fans super loyal to their streaming music services, they're also heartwarmingly devoted to their significant others and assorted fuck friends.

A new highly scientific (and not at all vague) poll reported by UK newspaper The Mirror and collected by adulterer-friendly dating site Victoria Milan surveyed a selection of 6,500 low-down dirty cheats to find out what they were listening to while thinking about their sidepieces, and the results are in: jazz lovers are stone cold swingers, while heavy metal fans look positively angelic in comparison. Metal falls dead last in the list of genres included in the poll, which is great news for those of us with a soft spot for long hair and Manowar T-shirts (though not so encouraging for salsa enthusiasts).


Image via The Mirror

If you're slightly confused by the notion that the people responsible for The Hottest Chicks in Metal Tour, the band Prostitute Disfigurement, and the entire fetid sub-sub-genre that is pornogrind could actually be a bunch of starry-eyed romantics, bear in mind that the vast majority of metal fans tend to be kind, sensitive, creative people with interests in art, history, or mythology and an appreciation for things that others may deem "weird" or "unacceptable." They love their chosen genre and subsculture fiercely, so why wouldn't they feel the same about their life partners? As Metalsucks' Emperor Rhombus notes, "Metalheads are grateful. They’ve spent a lot of their lives being told they’re stupid, evil, irrelevant, or lame. When they find someone or something that sees the good in them, they hold onto it."

Of course, the results of this poll could very well be pinned on the fact that most people don't consider metal their go-to mood setter, and that less people in general listen to heavy metal... but it's a lot more fun to think that, if you're looking for a neon knight or acid queen who won't do you wrong or force you to listen to weepy-ass piano ballads whenever they're feeling romantic, it's a much better idea to look for the kind of lover who'd rather scream the chorus to this song than warble Death Cab for Cutie lyrics at you: