We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 11

We offer ourselves up to the ebb and flow of the internet yet again.

Jan 28 2015, 5:00pm

Here at Noisey, we try to be thorough in the music we cover, but the reality is there is far more music out there than we could ever hope to put in our ears. The good news is that through the magic of social media, once a month we can tweet that we want people to tweet their music at us and they will do so, thereby helping us crunch some of the vast pool of music-like data in the world. And after a two-month hiatus caused by the holidays, we are back to doing just that. Editors Eric Sundermann, Kyle Kramer, and Drew Millard took a stab at reviewing the music they were sent yesterday (due to the volume of submissions, links were selected blindly and at random, so, while they were open to reviewing anything, they did not review everything). Here's what they discovered:

Alloy-X - “Smoke Screen — Whippin'”

Kyle: I feel like this almost has the right idea? Weirdly enough I was not less into it when it turned out to be a rap song instead of a weird ambient piece. But the hook reminds me a lot of G-Dragon’s “Knock Out,” which is a song that is mostly in Korean.
Drew: This is a totally acceptable, eminently forgettable rap song, which is, as per usual, more disappointing than if it’d actually sucked.
Eric: This is basically the sonic equivalent of driving three MPH over the speed limit. You feel edgy, but you're just lying to yourself.

Sonny From Mars - “Ice Cold”

Kyle: This is not the most revelatory thing in the world, but it’s produced by Chuck Strangers, who is dope, and it sounds like its only influences were Frank Ocean and Chance the Rapper, which is a solid guarantee that it will appeal to me. It also sounds like it could be John Mayer’s rap side project.
Drew: Your assessment is incorrect, Kyle, because in fact, this is my rap side project. On the real, this dude is totally fine, and he could potentially become famous enough so that some random freelancer will end up pitching me an interview with him that I’ll turn down because I still won’t care about him.
Eric: Sounds like something your friend who is really into The Roots would try to convince you is good. This isn't bad by any means, but I feel the same way about this as I do about what I had for dinner last Tuesday—which is to say I don't remember what I had for dinner last Tuesday.

Safety’s Off - “Ms. Torpedo”

Kyle: I’m pretty sure every pop-punk band is required to have a song with the words “did you really want to break my heart” or “I will follow” in the chorus, but, hey, I would have definitely gone to this band’s show in high school, and you should too.
Drew: I close my eyes and can envision being at Warped Tour in 2005, when my friends and I all spat into a condom and left it for somebody to find and think it was jizz. I honestly didn’t even know why we were spitting into it, because I didn’t know how a condom was used or that semen came out of a dick. Anyways.
Eric: Given the recent events surrounding blink-182, I've been remember how much I love pop punk so I'm just gonna go ahead and say that this is awesome, even though I probably won't think so in like four days.

Lava King - “2068 Basement”

Kyle: This is the world that Travi$ Scott has ushered in: music crammed full of like three times more ideas than necessary and more interested in style than substance. If you’re going to make something that looks this cool, you can do better than rapping about your weed.
Drew: Now THIS is what I’m talking about. This is insanely unlistenable and it seems like a group of friends decided to make a music video before they learned how to rap or make beats.
Eric: As a fan of Travi$ Scott and smoking weed, I want to disagree with Kyle and Drew and argue for the quality of this video. But unfortunately this sounds like someone got lost inside their computer covered in stickers for streetwear companies. The red is cool though!

‘Ramirez and Walsh’ Teaser Trailer

Kyle: As someone who has played cameo roles in several similarly themed low-budget action movies on YouTube, I wish you gentlemen the best of luck.
Drew: I bet these dudes had as much fun making this movie as I’ll have not watching it.
Eric: When is the last time you think one of these dudes had sex? Jokes aside, I agree with Jesus Christ.

JXHNSCXTT - “Ethereality”

Kyle: Unsurprisingly for an “ethereal trap” song called “Ethereality,” everything about this feels a little too on the nose.
Drew: Ah yes, the X’s as vowels maneuver, the oldest trick in the book (and also something we should can in part blame TRVS SCXTT for). To be fair, there is literally an ethereal rapper named Ethereal on Awful Records, and his shit is not as ethereal as “Ethereality” by ethereal, vowelless trap producer JXHNSCXTT.

Michael Becker - “i can't (Dance The Night Away) [Gashrat Cover]”

Kyle: I haven’t heard the original version of this song, but I can only assume it is better. Sorry if you’re someone I met when I was in Montreal. I’m sure I still like you.
Drew: Michael Becker might be kind of a genius, this song is like the perfect broken Casio jam. I’m not sure what you’re listening to, but I know what I’m listening to and it’s sick.
Eric: Man, I don't really understand why I like this so much. I want to see this guy perform in a tiny venue while I'm stoned out of my mind, staring at visuals that are probably old movie clips of, like, clowns or something.

Forte - “Unstable”

Kyle: I appreciate the trick of playing the whole part after “play the rest in reverse” in reverse, not only because that’s the best punchline here but also because it meant not listening to another self-deprecating verse about a new rapper’s lack of rap talent.
Drew: RZA invented that trick in rap on ODB’s “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” because he only had one verse to work with, no one else is around to do it.
Eric: I really, really do not like this.

The Boy in the Window - “Tired Words”

Kyle: If the plan here is to win a girl back, I can’t imagine a song that ends with the words “I know you know I don’t try” is going to work, but I’m guessing he knows that already.
Drew: If the plan here is to win a girl back, why the fuck is he submitting the song for us to listen to?
Eric: If the plan here is to win a girl back, he'll fail but will inevitably have sex with someone else who will inspire another version of this song. Just listen to more rap, bro.

Michael Aristotle - “Peach”

Kyle: This is technically good, and stuff like it gets posted to rap blogs every day. If Rome Fortune put out this exact same song, people would like it. If you have a rap blog, that's a free tip for you. Interpret it how you wish.
Drew: Wow this song is so average I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Eric: Hey guys have you listened to this song yet? What do you think about premiering it on Tuesday? We have a hole in the premiere schedule that needs to be filled.

Mayeux and Broussard - “Sky High Ryder”

Kyle: South by Southwest is an interactive music festival in Austin, Texas. This band is also from Austin, Texas. You do the math.
Drew: Fuck “South by,” these guys are a publicist away from playing a sidestage at Bonnaroo.
Eric: White people gonna be white.

Fatal Flying Guillotines - “Hello, Boss!!!”

Kyle: This is a band that contains as a member Eric’s old boss, Brian McManus. This song is appropriately called “Hello Boss!!!” It is pretty tight. Head to Buzzfeed Music, where Brian is the editor, for all your music needs other than the ones that can be satiated here on Noisey, which is hopefully none of them because Noisey is dope.
Drew: This is a bunch of horseshit. Really? Naming your band after a line from “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin’ to Fuck With?” I am ashamed of ever having known Brian McManus, a man whose last name also includes the word “anus.” Just kidding. Brian is great, and his band is pretty cool. But his last name still includes the word “anus.”
Eric: Sometimes I think of Brian as my dad, which would indirectly make him the father of Noisey, which is a website that once published a list of the top big hats of 2014.

KoRn - “One (Metallica cover)”

Kyle: RIP Blink-182.
Drew: Says YouTube commenter iFokshe Pah, “lol. they were like fuck that solo. has to suck to be a good band and listen to your same song over and over, and get invited to another bands performance of your song, especially when they don't even do the solo. ”
Eric: I definitely watched this live.

The Guys - “Modern Day Love”

Kyle: The Guys are great! This song is very real. Kids, make good decisions.
Drew: The Guys are really great! This song is very very real. Kids, make great decisions.
Eric: The Guys are really great! This song is very very real. Kids, make great decisions.

pizza boy - “atlas shrugging”

Kyle: I didn’t click on the RapGenius link in the description, but I 100 percent guarantee this guy annotated his own line about Kevin Gates eating butt on there, which I think sums up everything about this song.
Drew: There’s this rhetorical tactic that people on the internet tend to do where they try to address any and all potential criticisms of their work to protect themselves as criticism, but unless you’re really smart and good at it—which pizza boy is not—it just makes you look insecure and too worried about what other people think. This is like a bad version of the music Tyler, the Creator probably made before he decided to rap about eating human flesh or whatever.
Eric: Did you guys hear that Kevin Gates once fucked his cousin?

Pillow Talk - “What We Should Have Said”

Kyle: I feel like an emo version of Real Estate should be right up Eric’s alley.
Eric: I’m Eric! Did you know I have an alley, and that Pillow Talk is up it?
Drew: Wow, yeah. This song is very Eric.
Eric: I definitely wrote the above sentence.

Fernando Shalamar - “Sex Magic”

Kyle: This is too meta by a factor of like 40, and not in a cool or funny way.
Eric: This song reminds me of my childhood, that I, the real Eric James Sundermann, spent in Iowa, where we would have burned this song at the stake for being a witch.
Drew: Yet another song that seems to confuse being self-aware with actually being good.
Eric: It's kind of like driving through cornfields.

Smash Mouth - “All Star”

Kyle: This song was submitted by Twitter celeb @sexualjumanji, who will fuck in 2015.
Drew: I’m gonna be honest, guys. I said I wasn’t gonna fuck until the sex j fucked, but I’ve been fucking this whole time.
Eric: I love nostalgia!

Fisher King - “Silent Hour”

Kyle: Nothing happens in this song, which is a relief after listening to all these other songs in which stuff does happen.
Drew: Yeah, after all listening to bad, stuff-stuffed tracks by all of these other guys (except The Guys, who are great), it’s great to listen a song featuring no stuff.
Eric: The Guys are really great! This song is very very real. Kids, make great decisions.

Dirt Nap - “Jvngle Boys”

Kyle: These guys tweeted us their album, which was recorded on 4/20 and released on 9/11 for the reasonable price of $420, at 4:19 PM. The album is called Oh, Just a Few Boys Horsin’ Around. Their music is legitimately dope garage rock. If anyone gets it, it is Dirt Nap. This is the greatest band of all time.
Drew: Yeah dude, Dirt Nap is confirmed chill a.f.
Eric: Obviously, the next tentpole documentary that this publication does will be called Noisey Dirt Nap.

Dan Riley - “Theme 001”

Kyle: True to the album title (Pleasurable Themes for Film Volume 1), this is pleasurable and could conceivably belong on an old TV show.
Drew: What a concept! This sounds like something my old college radio station would love, because it’s definitely an interesting way to frame a record.
Eric: Oh yeah, this song is definitely a college radio type thing—which inherently means that it's good smoking weed music. If you're reading this in a college radio station while smoking weed, know that you're currently in the midst of peak human existence.

Fresco Grey feat. Desi Doom - “PSdos”

Kyle: In retrospect, I am sad that unmastered, spacey beats became a popular aesthetic because holy shit is it crutch for boring songs and hoo boy does it sound bad when it’s mixed wrong. I like the line “March Madness in my trunk,” though.
Drew: It really is crazy that Rome Fortune somehow became the most influential rapper. The problem is Rome Fortune is not interesting and he is convincing other people that it is a good idea for them, too, to be uninteresting. Imagine if people just wanted to make music that sounded like mixtape Gucci Mane.
Eric: I'm a millennial and appreciate millennial culture, but JFC can we stop rapping about video games?

dedwax - “Split Rail Fences (These Days)”

Drew: Although I really liked Sturgill Simpson’s Metamodern Sounds in Country and Western Music from last year, I’ve gotten a sneaking, unfortunate suspicion that he made a record so good and universally loveable that might have accidentally made alt-country trendy again. Now don’t get me wrong, I love country, but I don’t like any music that confuses adhering an aesthetic with actual substance. The only thing more annoying than unearned ethereal trap is unearned alt-country like this.
Kyle: You know how a couple years bars in big cities figured out that it was kind of fun and rootsy to serve beers in mason jars? This is sort of like that.
Eric: I want to like this. I really do. I really, really, really do.

Thermite - “Back in Brown”

Kyle: This title really makes me think of poop, but I am mature enough not to make the easy joke here. I’ll take the high road: This sounds like a bunch of dudes pissing out a punk song with a lot of heavy guitar riffs.
Drew: Great, that leaves the low road wide open for me to take! This song sounds worse than a shit that a terminally obese person takes after dive-bombing a Jack in the Box.
Eric: lol dick poop

Ghost Dance - “HOWLIN”

Kyle: This may be a little on the generic side of things when it comes to psychedelic heavy blues or whatever this is called, but it’s still kind of tight. Are these guys in Dirt Nap also? Does Springfield, Missouri secretly have a dope music scene we’re missing out on? Please send us more Bandcamp links from Springfield, Missouri.
Drew: It’s hard to fuck up southern psychedelic booze-blooze, and these guys clear that admittedly low bar admirably.
Eric: I would definitely do drugs and see this band.

STUPID NEEL - “PLATEAU (Robitussin)”

Kyle: This song is to music about lean as Robitussin is to lean, in that it should not be considered recreational, and it might make you vomit.
Drew: Kyle, that track review is to track reviews about songs about lean what vomit is to oh, I don't know, I'm gonna stop trying to make fun of you here.
Kyle: I'll admit I phoned that one in.
Eric: Do you guys get it, though? This is a song about getting high, but not from weed or any other normal drugs. This is cough medicine! And you can get it over the counter! This works because it's also a statement on society and how overmedicated American culture is. High-brow shit, y'all.

Human Fish (Human Bean) - “World of Rain”

Kyle: Eleven views?! Consider this the WORLD PREMIERE of this passably competent vaporwave song, which, much like every passably competent vaporwave song, sounds like it is just three keyboard presets smashed together.
Drew: I have nothing to say about this, so I’ll just say this instead: nah.
Eric: Sounds like the cat walked across the $47 Casio keyboard you still have in your room from childhood.

July 5th - “Know Her Name”

Kyle: Sing louder? I don’t know?
Drew: Dude, I’m pretty sure the person singing this is a teen? You can’t be mean to a teen!
Eric: I have nephews and would prefer to not be mean to a child, unlike that asshole Kyle above me.

The Great American Holy Ghost Electric Show - “Highway Towns”

Kyle: The phrase “I’m wrapped in your wagon wheel with a bellyache in my heel” sounds like lyrics from a Jimmy Fallon sketch making fun of a band like this, but that’s none of my business.
Drew: This song is bad.
Eric: Nothin' like drinkin' a Miller High Life and playin' the banjo on the front porch in the summertime, ya kno'?

Greezy Deckz - “Its All Good”

Kyle: I wish Mr. Deckz the best.
Drew: This such a personal that song that I’m not going to say anything mean as well, but Greezy Deckz has succeeded in making a well-shot, very Canadian video.
Eric: This guy is being pushy in the nicest way, and does a pretty good job of guilting me into not saying anything blatantly negative about this track even though it sounds like a giant pile of—err, wait. God damnit.

Clamshels - “Sorry Whitney Came In”

Kyle: You know that “more cowbell” SNL sketch? Like that except fewer chimes and basically less of this entire vibe.
Drew: Why yes, I do in fact know the “More Cowbell” SNL sketch.
Eric: Oh man, I love Will Ferrell. Oppa!!!

Cosmic Keys - “Don't Say Goodbye, Say Good Journey”

Kyle: *reads Pitchfork once*
Drew: Eh, better than *reads Noisey once*, which is basically just this.
Eric: Williamsburg's really changed, man.

Follow Kyle Kramer, Drew Millard, and Eric Sundermann on Twitter here, here, and here.