Auld Lame Syne.
New Year's Eve is a holiday of many traditions — the ball dropping, kissing at midnight, getting drunk and puking into a stranger's mouth. But over the last few years, a new annoying tradition has emerged — posting cliché New Year's-themed lyrics on Facebook in an attempt to make the holiday seem deeper and more symbolically profound than what it really is: just another damn day where we also happen to throw another empty Garfield day-by-day calendar in the trash. If you spend any time on Facebook today, here are the songs you will see being posted and the people posting them…
Song: Thursday - “Jet Black New Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “Ten seconds left until midnight / Nine chances to drown ourselves in black hair dye / Eight faces turned away from the shock / Seven windows and six of them were locked / Five stories falling forever and ever / Three cheers to the mirror / Now there are two of us / Can we have one last dance?”
Will be posted by: Your old college roommate who used to wear a From Autumn to Ashes shirt every single day.
Subtext: "I'll probably think about slitting my wrists a lot this year too."
Song: Death Cab for Cutie - “The New Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “So this is the new year / And I don't feel any different.”
Will be posted by: Your ex-girlfriend who has Zooey Deschanel bangs and works at a shop where they sell a ton of artisanal shit with birds on it.
Subtext: "I'm very emo and misunderstood and have lots of feelings which explains why I'm not smiling in my profile photo."
Song: The Lawrence Arms - “100 Resolutions”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “This year I'll try not to think too much / This year I'll try to stand up for myself / This year I'll live like I've never lived before, this is my year for sure.”
Will be posted by: Your tattooed friend Dave who spends all the money he makes at his job at a tire shop on his annual trip to Fest.
Subtext: "This is the year my band finally goes on tour instead of just playing the same local shithole bar twice a month."
Song: The Mountain Goats - “This Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.”
Will be posted by: That guy who works at the local record store and wears a scarf all year, EVEN IN THE GODDAMN SUMMER.
Subtext: "My life as a white millenial is very difficult."
Song: The Zombies - “This Will Be Our Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “This will be our year / Took a long time to come…”
Will be posted by: That guy Alex you avoid at parties because he’s always dragging you into conversations about Wes Anderson movies and bragging about how many Criterion Collection DVDs he owns.
Subtext: "Ask me about what books I read this year."
Song: NOFX - “New Year’s Revolutions”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “Fuck your resolution / Fuck your annual / Fuck your optimism / It just sounds so banal / We're gonna make a New Year's Revolution”
Will be posted by: Your cousin who goes by a dumb nickname like Lump and who’s still clinging to his thinning blue mohawk despite being 40 years old and having two kids.
Subtext: "I'm not like you sheeple. I believe stuff about politics and junk. No George Bush in 2014!"
Song: Foo Fighters - “Next Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “Watching the whole world wind around and round / I'll be coming home next year.”
Will be posted by: Your co-worker Melissa who leaves her Pandora station on all day and has absolutely no taste in music whatsoever.
Subtext: "Whooo! Music! New Year's! I own four albums and three of them are by Beck!"
Song: Beach House - “New Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: "Can you call it / See it coming / Just enough to tell a story ‘bout a / Portrait of a young girl waiting for a new year.”
Will be posted by: Your hot-but-dumb hippie friend Rachel who goes to every stupid summer music festival like Coachella and Bonaroo and posts photos of herself on mushrooms.
Subtext: "I will have New Year's sex with you based on the bands you list in your OKCupid profile."
Song: The Walkmen - “In the New Year”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “And I’m waiting on the weather / That I know will pass / I know that it’s true / It’s gonna be a good year.”
Will be posted by: Some college idiot.
Subtext: "Bro, we're gonna get so smashed on the roof of Main Hall tonight, bro! Too bad our buddy Todd is gonna get so drunk that he falls off and dies. But don't worry, we'll devote a page to him in the yearbook."
Song: Alkaline Trio - “Private Eye”
Lyrics that will be quoted: “New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven / I watched flies fuck on channel 11 / There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink / Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink.”
Will be posted by: Your fat goth cousin Erin who wears a spike belt and does her eyebrows all crazy.
Subtext: "Don't even bother inviting me out to your New Year's party because I'd rather paint my room black (but seriously, pleeeeeease invite me to your party)."
"This is Dan Ozzi's year for sure." Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi