Chingy's Instagram Account Is the Resource You Need to #StayWoke

Get ready to thoroughly squeegee your third eye, sheeple.

Bauce Sauce

There was a time when I was not woke. That time was yesterday. Up until yesterday at 4:38 pm, I had existed on this "planet" (if that's what you want to call it) thinking I was woke. If anything, I was faking The Woke™. I treated being woke like a joke. I was not woke, though I thought I was. Upon my revelation I realized my third eye had been slumped off that big government lean for 27 years. What happened at 4:38 pm on 3/18/2014? Well, that was when Noisey Canada's own Slava P unearthed the gem that is Chingy's Instagram account.

ChingyJackpot? Chingy? Jackpot, indeed! A jackpot of the fucking truth you fucking sheep. It was like the first time I discovered that by touching my penis or looking at Pamela Anderson's boobies on The Internet that my penis would grow and that it felt good. Oh, it felt oh so good. But not even my first prepubescent attempts at masturbation were as satisfying as this. In fact, I probably came more while reading Chingy's truther tweegrams than I did pulling on my ding dong for the first time. With maturity and wokeness comes much greater vas deferens power. Do you know how I know that? BECAUSE CHINGY ENLIGHTENED ME. Just look at this post below:

I realized that the vas deferens are like the coiled snake. The more knowledge/heat it senses the more aggressive it becomes; it tingles like a rattlesnake tail. The snake is also the SIXTH Chinese zodiac sign... and I think we all know what that means: DEVIL (666) SEX (Sounds like six). #WakeUpPeople.

This all seems to have started (possibly? Is there really even a place called Iraq?) around two years ago. He is now studying kemetaphysics at Kemetian University, which according to Chingy . is a "black university." Shouts out to my HBCUs... I HB SEE YOU; BUT REMEMBER TO NOT GET HBC USED. #WakeUpPeople.

Chingy still uses “thurr,” which is absolutely adorable but he is also very right about 666. You just gotta do the research by reading Chingy’s IG page daily.

Wow. You heard it here first people: George W. Bush and Barack Obama are cousins. It seems like Chingy has even gone beyond mere IG posts to penning an article for The Huffington Post. Third Eyes’ve been woke. #Influence. It is weird how similar Barry and George look like each other. Kinda makes you think… about Benghazi. #WakeUpPeople.

I literally busted an ear drum when I read this one. Please respect the Youniverse. It’s not pythagorus. It’s Khemit mathematics. Triangles = sex. If you put four triangles together you get a rhombus which resembles a woman’s sweet lady orifice. This brings it back to the ram head (you RAM your [dick] HEAD into the pussy rhombus creating a cause (female, [LYING {women lie} down]) and effect (male, [SEMEN {SEE MEN-> SEE THE MEN-> SEE THE MENNONITES-> SEE THE MEN OF NIGHT-> BE AWARE OF THE PREDATORY GAY MEN LOOKING TO TURN YOU INTO A HOMOSEXUAL AGAINST YOUR WILL WITH THEIR EYE CONTACT KEEP ON RAMMING YOUR COILED SNAKE INNARDS INTO THAT PUSSY RHOMBUS}]). Galactic truths and insight are all right here on Chingy’s Instagram page. His Instagram profile transports us to a magical place/higher plane we didn’t know existed like Professor Digory Kirke’s wardrobe. #KhemitMathemafamatics #WakeUpPeople.

Chingy was the original Wikileaks. Chingy: Powerballin’ Poet and Soothsayer. #WakeUpPeople

Damn. It’s true. LOL, user lilarbishy. EL-OH-FUCKING-EL. The initiated know that it a man named Ben Laden who led Al Qaeda. “Ben Laden” is an anagram for “Bladen, NE,” which has a population density of 658 people per square mile, which equates to 253 people per square kilometer… 658 + 253 equals, you guessed it, 911. Try to deny it. Connections are everywhere. #WakeUpPeople #BeenWoke #Psyience.

I was intimidated by the wellspring of knowledge on Chingy’s Instagram account. I asked myself “Perhaps Chingy has been trying to tell us these truths all along?” I did some digging on my own to find more hidden symbols and truthier truths. I wanted the most truthest of Chingy truths. The truth that is only available once your FOURTH eye is opened. I began going through my iTunes for Chingy songs, and “Right Thurr” was my first hit.

There are 457 words in “Right Thurr” (including intro and the extra “right thurr”’s on the chorus. 911 divided by 457 = 1.99 — the fucking INVERSE of 911. Take a moment to breathe. Let your chakras convulse with wisdom beyond our imaginations. I stumbled across this Chingy classic next:

Sound familiar and innocuous…? Yep. Well, that’s what I thought at first until I saw Tupac at the 3:15 mark. I cannot believe that Chingy would be so bold as to put Tupac into his music video some seven years after his “death.”

What’s even weirder is if you rotate the image counterclockwise by 90 degrees... you see that Tupac is wearing the ancient Illuminati Eye of Providence symbol. Very sneaky, Mr. Shakur!

I knew that I was still at the cusp of the real message. I decided I would play the record backwards, and lo and behold an entirely new truthiverse revealed itself! I was blown away. Just listen below!


So, folks, there you have it. Chingy predicted Benghazi, Barack Obama, and attempted to alert us to the fact that Neil deGrasse Tyson is a fuckboy, and also to urge us to not eat pigs and catfish because they that is causing our ecosphere to deteriorate. We didn’t listen then, and our society is crumbling around us. We were pathetic and drowsy. Now look at us! Now, we are truth warriors and alert to the mechanics of the Youniverse. Chingy has been trying to keep us woke for years, but we ignored him like Ludacris. Smash all alarm clocks. Don’t even blink. If you always stay woke you never have to get woke. Chingy taught us that. For that we should be forever thankful. #WakeUpPeople.