We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us Volume 15 (with Mike Shinoda of Fort Minor)

It took us all one step closer to the edge.

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Jun 24 2015, 2:48pm


Photos by Derek Scancarelli

Hey look, Mike Shinoda a.k.a. the coolest rapper from Linkin Park and Fort Minor came to our office to hang out because Noisey is the best! While he was here, we decided we would be really inhospitable to him by dragging him into our most punishing feature series and having him review literally whatever you sent us. Not many humans can withstand this torment, since you monsters send the worst things possible to us. But Mike is a true warrior, and sat down with us to listen to whatever the hell you all came up with. Check out what we suffered through, and read our profile of the man himself right here.

Continued below...

Smash Mouth - All Star

Mike: I don’t know if I've ever seen this whole video. Oh, this is from the movie Mystery Men! Our bass player Dave, when he joined the band, told people his name was “The Phoenix.” It was a joke, because having a stage name is kinda ridiculous. Anyway, he got that name from this movie. And people took it seriously, and they printed it! I guess the joke’s on him though, because now he’s in Linkin Park and people literally have “Phoenix” tattoos. But the good news is that Dave has a great sense of humor—like, he went in to his own Wikipedia page and put in that he was a certified master BBQer. And that started showing up in interviews.
Kim: My mom loves this band, but she legitimately has serious brain damage, so.
John: My mom rented a copy of Mystery Men on VHS when I was younger, and I think I was really bummed she didn’t get Small Soldiers instead. Also was the whole glasses/bucket hat/soul patch look a thing? Very Wheatus.


Marty Bachman - Can't Afford a Woman

Mike: Wow, that photo. I wonder if he’s a Linkin Park fan or a Noisey fan. I feel like if this guy had production that sounded like the Black Lips, this would be incredible. The song of the year. Maybe he just needs a real drummer instead of a keyboard.
Kim: This sounds like a midlife crisis, and honestly, has this guy seriously never heard of J. Lo? Love don’t cost a thing, baby.
John: This is definitely the kind of band your uncle starts with his high school friends that he’s super excited about, and your dad drags you to watch him play at Papa Rocco’s Pizzeria.


Appleby - Bitter Boy

Mike: I love this. This whole thing. I will listen to this every day. Why are you bleeping yourself, Bitter Boy? Just say it! The production’s great. He needs something more substantial in between the choruses though.
Kim: This is that weird super minimal kind of hip-hop that I understand even less than usual.
John: I hate when people send good music. Be awful all the time, you monsters.


KPT - Innermost

Mike: “Music that transcends the borders of any predetermined genre?” Ugh. I went to art school with people like this. These are the kids who say they “don’t pay attention to X” because they’re “inventing something brand new.” Then they reinvent the wheel because they don’t pay attention to all the important shit that came before them. Sorry KPT, I’ve heard this, it’s called industrial. If he really came through with some rockabilly or emo I’d believe him about transcending genres.
Kim: This sounds like bees.
John: Makes me want to break out the ol’ dreadfalls and find a nice bridge to hang out under.


Petite League - Leaf Surfer

Mike: [shrugs] I have nothing to say. I feel like it sounds like a lot of stuff. Not in a bad way, just not in a stand-outy way.
Kim: What an inglorious misuse of distortion.
John: Every asshole at art school would probably jam this. Twee-fuckhead-core.


Chilly Clinton - Veni

Mike: Whoa. That’s that "Loser" beat.
Kim: Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose.
John: Is this cleared? Calling the cops.


Black Invader - I Dig Pain

Mike: Look at this picture. Can’t show the shirt. Are the lyrics written out? It’s a contender.
Kim: TROGDOR
John: I really like that he’s drinking a Stella in his photo. Less talented version of this guy.


Mike: Guess they wanted us to listen to their music. I feel weird saying Jew-els. They’re all getting head except the one poor guy is not. He’s just getting high.
Kim: Mutually satisfying sexual activities between consenting adults can be a beautiful thing. This, however, looks like some poor hormone-crazed nerd’s fanfic version of what he thinks backstage at a rap show looks like.
John: Sex is gross.


Fort Minor - Remember the name (Dj Kusbara Dubstep Remix) [Fixed]

Mike: What is this artwork? OK, I get you’ve got the girl in there because that’s what dubstep DJs do, but why is The Joker in there? Oh, Remember The Name… FIXED. Everything that was wrong with the song, they fixed it! Honestly, this reminds me of the music I made, not in style, but the sound of it, when I made stuff on a $100 keyboard in my bedroom in my parents’ house in '97—the production is actually a nice balance of quality and DIY. This is amazing, you realize nothing has played twice? Just five minutes of evolution. It feels like we're being dubstepped into submission. I’m still hung up on the Joker in the art. There’s still no explanation for that. Maybe it’s some kind of neo-Juggalo thing?
Kim: I wish I had this kind of free time. I’d make witch house versions of every song in Agathocles’ discography.
John: I wonder what patient zero was for the "dubstep remix of X song" is. But I love this so much. Makes me want to play a really shitty and cheap flash game.

Kim, John, and Mike are all on Twitter. And don't forget to watch Fort Minor's new video for "Welcome," which is good and not bad right here.