It was exhausting.
Every year, countless people migrate from around the world to attend Bonnaroo, a four-day bacchanalia of tent cities, blistering heat, and unshowered people on ecstasy feeling each other up to a variety of popular pop, rock, hip-hop, and EDM from the past and present. This year, Bonnaroo outdid itself in terms of headliners, booking Kanye West, Sir Elton John, and Jack White as the marquee acts for the fest. Because we are the greatest and best music site the world has ever known, Noisey editors Eric Sundermann and Drew Millard took it upon themselves to review the entire lineup in the span of about twenty minutes. What follows are their unedited thoughts on every single band that Bonnaroo booked this year. SPOILER ALERT: They hadn’t heard of like half of them.
Yeezy is the greatest artist of our generation and while on stage he wears a discoball on his head and fistbumps with Jesus Christ.
This guy still really likes guitars.
[Ed note from Kim: HOW DID YOU WHO LIONEL. YOU FUCKTARDS.]
One time, Ezra Koenig imagened what it’d be like if Seinfeld was still on TV today.
The Avett Brothers
W H O
These dudes are French, which is cool, and have songs that sound really good on college radio.
I really fuck with the idea that Skrillex is gonna do the SUPERJAM, like maybe he’s gonna play guitar or something? idk lol
The Arctic Monkeys are still really big in the UK because the UK is still really into leather jackets.
Already wears headbands, he’ll be perfect.
The Flaming Lips
One time, I saw Wayne Coyne emerge from a giant over-sized vagina on stage, so it’s hard to argue with any decisions these guys make.
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Sorry ma, forgot to take out the trash.
Saw Blur last year, was tight.
Neutral Milk Hotel
You have a friend who really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes this band.
Not that tight.
SuperJam with Skrillex & Friends
The Bluegrass Situation Superjam hosted by Ed Helms
You know, I don’t mind the last few seasons of The Office.
One time I interviewed Disclosure and had no idea who they were, then I listened to their record, and then I realized neo-garage was stupid as shit.
The Head and the Heart
According to google, The Head and the Heart are an indie-folk band, which would explain why no Noisey reader has ever heard of them.
Y R U MY CLARITY
Ms. Lauryn Hill
Entire set will be cut off if anyone looks them in the eyes.
Apparently Bonnaroo does this thing where they hold a competition for the “funkiest dancer,” and that’s what this is, and tbqh kind of makes me not want to go to Bonnaroo.
HOW WILL P-THUGG POSSIBLY PLAY IN THIS HEAT WHILE WEARING A DASHIKI
This is not The Grey Album.
Tedeschi Trucks Band
This will be Peak Old Bonnaroo.
Here’s your make-out spot.
Why did you sleep on The Greatest Man in the Universe? Oh, I know why, because you’re a dumb hipster and can’t be bothered to listen to music older than your pubes.
A writer attempts to write a sentence about Umphrey’s McGee without making a joke about jam bands because jokes about jam bands are cliche.
“IT’S ICE CUBE BITCH I GOT IT COVERED / I GOT A MOVIE FOR YO KIDS / A DICK FOR YO BITCH / A FO-FIVE SLUG FO YO...WIIIIG” - Ice Cube, “Shakey Dog” (Remix)
One time Ben Howard covered “Call Me Maybe,” and it was awesome.
Somehow I was once sent a Slightly Stoopid live album. I listened to it twice, because I like music that does not encourage thought.
Fitz and The Tantrums
Have you ever seen a photo of this band?
Didn’t their old drummer go to jail for being a child molester or something?
Everyone wants Janelle Monae to be better than Janelle Monae will ever be.
This is a band for boring people who think having sex with the lights on is kinky.
CHVRCHES SVCK DVXX
Cage The Elephant
Drew The Destroyer
One time I saw VI$$ER outside of a bar in Williamsburg. She stared into my eyes and I felt my balls suck inside of my body.
Andrew Bird & the Hands of Glory
Andrew Bird was once a trendy artist, so that’s something you should take a moment to think about.
Ah, yes, The Heavy Metal Band That Was Cool And Then They Blew Up And Metal Nerds Are Mad About It. Yes. Let them wallow in your hate, and also the gigantic pile of money they have now.
I’m getting to the part of the list of bands I don’t recognize.
Invariably, when I google the acts on this list I’ve never heard of, I find that there’s a good reason I’ve never heard of them.
Chance The Rapper
Drew The Rapper
Fascinating fact: Dr. Dog is the band that Noisey gets pitched on, by both writers and publicists, that we refuse to cover. See?
Yonder Mountain String Band
John Butler Trio
White-dude-with-dreadlocks music. Not the worst, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not.
Game of Thrones returns April 6.
City and Colour
Oh great, another guitar guy at the party.
The Glitch Mob
The Naked and Famous
If your band is a Passion Pit ripoff that shares the name of a Presidents of the United States of America song, you know you’re fucked.
This guy had a really funny guest spot on Scrubs once as the “Jimmy the Overly Touchy Intern” and now he’s on SNL and I guess it’s good but something tells me he’ll be at the Avett Brothers set so I don’t know how to feel about this guy.
I think my friend Caitlin likes them.
He’s from the south, so I have to rep him even if he sucks. Fortunately, he doesn’t completely suck.
Everybody pegged them as an “Artist to Watch” in “2014,” but then they put their album out and it made my computer throw up on me. Hype is a deadly disease.
I thought this dude played acoustic guitar but then I googled him and it turns out he is an EDM star from England or something but like let’s be real—it’s the year 2014 and those two things are practically the same.
WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK
Drew kind of looks like Nicolas Jar.
No I don’t.
Shovels & Rope
Okay now we really are to the part of the list of bands I haven’t heard of.
Drinking Songs for Drinking Men with beards.
Carolina Chocolate Drops
The Wood Brothers
Surprisingly, not the pr0n alter-ego of the ATL Twins.
The Master Musicians of Jajouka led by Bachir Attar, with special guests Billy Martin, Marc
Ribot, DJ Logic and Shazad Ismaily
Remember when iPods used to come automatically loaded with a Mark Ribot song? No, you don’t, because the average age of a Noisey reader is, like, 12.
This. Is. Motha. Fucking. Pusha. T.
Bon Iver did something with these guys once and that’s pretty much the only reason they’re playing Bonnaroo.
Dumb hippie music from Ukraine.
This is a Swedish experimental band that’s been around for over 30 years and has circulating members and apparently also has ties to voodoo worship or something and all of that sounds fucking sweet.
This dude is one of the most famous artists in Nigeria and is way more talented than you and I could ever dream of being.
Imagine the Skynyrd plane never crashed, and then they all had kids, and those kids formed a band. That’s Blackberry Smoke, and they’re beyond sick.
I don’t want to listen to this band.
Jokes are tight.
First Aid Kit
This is really good break-up music.
Bonnaroo is so big that it tries to appeal to everyone now, which leads to human jerkoff-motions like these guys getting booked.
A Tribe Called Red
These dudes are from Canada and produce EDM trap so awesome that it would make Skrillex fart.
The Bouncing Souls
This band was formed in 1988 and I was born in 1987.
Again, Greensky Bluegrass is a great example Peak Old Bonnaroo.
Seems like somebody whose single iTunes would give away as a free download.
I don’t get it.
These guys are still a thing?
I don’t get it.
Hey! This dude grew up like 25 minutes from where I’m from! I bet our parents know each other, which is going to make it awkward as soon as I say his songs suck dick.
EDM seems to be very popular at festivals.
Thao & The Get Down Stay Down
This is not EDM.
King Khan & The Shrines
Aw hell yeah, 2007 all over again.
This is pretty shitty music made by some kid who looks like he lives in Brooklyn and does too much coke (a.k.a. what half of the Noisey staff looks like).
We premiered her video, so I’m not allowed to say anything bad about her.
The Black Lillies
Every time you think country is gonna become a thing again, a band like this comes along and fucks it up for everybody else.
Chill, bro. Chill. Chiiiiillllll.
The Lone Bellow
There’s obviously a market for bands like this, I just don’t know that many people had gotten voluntary lobotomies.
Big Sam's Funky Nation
Drink a bunch of $12 beers and dance to funk. Feel alive. YOLO.
Drew is catching up to me because I keep having to look up artists.
La Santa Cecilia
I hate this band.
This music is really sweet but it’s cool for, like, sitting at home alone and crying to yourself and not talking to anyone and then regretting sitting at home alone and crying to yourself but not at all cool for doing molly in a field.
You can’t please all of the people all of the time, and despite having pleased nearly 6 million people on YouTube, this did not please me.
J. Roddy Walston & The Business
This band sounds exactly like you’d expect them to. This is not a good thing.
I’m friends with these dudes on the internet. They rule.
Lake Street Dive
St. Paul & The Broken Bones
Neutered white dude-soul.
The Wild Feathers
Oh man we are so close to the end of the list.
IDK, a lot of these bands just seem icky to me. Like, white people digging into predominantly African-American funk/soul music and literally whitewashing it to lend an element of gross exoticism to their shitty pop-rock.
Drew Millard and Eric Sundermann sit across from each other at the Noisey desk.