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We Reviewed Every Band Playing Bonnaroo

It was exhausting.

VICE Staff

VICE Staff

Every year, countless people migrate from around the world to attend Bonnaroo, a four-day bacchanalia of tent cities, blistering heat, and unshowered people on ecstasy feeling each other up to a variety of popular pop, rock, hip-hop, and EDM from the past and present. This year, Bonnaroo outdid itself in terms of headliners, booking Kanye West, Sir Elton John, and Jack White as the marquee acts for the fest. Because we are the greatest and best music site the world has ever known, Noisey editors Eric Sundermann and Drew Millard took it upon themselves to review the entire lineup in the span of about twenty minutes. What follows are their unedited thoughts on every single band that Bonnaroo booked this year. SPOILER ALERT: They hadn’t heard of like half of them.

Kanye West
Yeezy is the greatest artist of our generation and while on stage he wears a discoball on his head and fistbumps with Jesus Christ.

Elton John
Who?

Jack White
This guy still really likes guitars.

Lionel Richie
WHO

[Ed note from Kim: HOW DID YOU WHO LIONEL. YOU FUCKTARDS.]

Vampire Weekend
One time, Ezra Koenig imagened what it’d be like if Seinfeld was still on TV today.

The Avett Brothers
W H O

Phoenix
These dudes are French, which is cool, and have songs that sound really good on college radio.

Skrillex
I really fuck with the idea that Skrillex is gonna do the SUPERJAM, like maybe he’s gonna play guitar or something? idk lol

Arctic Monkeys
The Arctic Monkeys are still really big in the UK because the UK is still really into leather jackets.

Frank Ocean
Already wears headbands, he’ll be perfect.

The Flaming Lips
One time, I saw Wayne Coyne emerge from a giant over-sized vagina on stage, so it’s hard to argue with any decisions these guys make.

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Sorry ma, forgot to take out the trash.

Kaskade
Molly.

Damon Albarn
Saw Blur last year, was tight.

Neutral Milk Hotel
You have a friend who really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes this band.

Wiz Khalifa
Not that tight.

SuperJam with Skrillex & Friends
Sweat.

SuperJam “?”
idk lol

The Bluegrass Situation Superjam hosted by Ed Helms
You know, I don’t mind the last few seasons of The Office.

Disclosure
One time I interviewed Disclosure and had no idea who they were, then I listened to their record, and then I realized neo-garage was stupid as shit.

Cut Copy
Pitchfork

The Head and the Heart
According to google, The Head and the Heart are an indie-folk band, which would explain why no Noisey reader has ever heard of them.

Zedd
Y R U MY CLARITY

Ms. Lauryn Hill
Entire set will be cut off if anyone looks them in the eyes.

Funkiest Dancer
Apparently Bonnaroo does this thing where they hold a competition for the “funkiest dancer,” and that’s what this is, and tbqh kind of makes me not want to go to Bonnaroo.

Chromeo
HOW WILL P-THUGG POSSIBLY PLAY IN THIS HEAT WHILE WEARING A DASHIKI

Broken Bells
This is not The Grey Album.

Tedeschi Trucks Band
This will be Peak Old Bonnaroo.

James Blake
Here’s your make-out spot.

Bobby Womack
Why did you sleep on The Greatest Man in the Universe? Oh, I know why, because you’re a dumb hipster and can’t be bothered to listen to music older than your pubes.

Umphrey's McGee
A writer attempts to write a sentence about Umphrey’s McGee without making a joke about jam bands because jokes about jam bands are cliche.

Ice Cube
“IT’S ICE CUBE BITCH I GOT IT COVERED / I GOT A MOVIE FOR YO KIDS / A DICK FOR YO BITCH / A FO-FIVE SLUG FO YO...WIIIIG” - Ice Cube, “Shakey Dog” (Remix)

Ben Howard
One time Ben Howard covered “Call Me Maybe,” and it was awesome.

Slightly Stoopid
Somehow I was once sent a Slightly Stoopid live album. I listened to it twice, because I like music that does not encourage thought.

Fitz and The Tantrums
Have you ever seen a photo of this band?

Cake
Didn’t their old drummer go to jail for being a child molester or something?

Janelle Monáe
Everyone wants Janelle Monae to be better than Janelle Monae will ever be.

Grouplove
This is a band for boring people who think having sex with the lights on is kinky.

Amos Lee
Acoustic guitar

CHVRCHES
CHVRCHES SVCK DVXX

Cage The Elephant
Drew The Destroyer

Die Antwoord
One time I saw VI$$ER outside of a bar in Williamsburg. She stared into my eyes and I felt my balls suck inside of my body.

Andrew Bird & the Hands of Glory
Andrew Bird was once a trendy artist, so that’s something you should take a moment to think about.

Mastodon
Ah, yes, The Heavy Metal Band That Was Cool And Then They Blew Up And Metal Nerds Are Mad About It. Yes. Let them wallow in your hate, and also the gigantic pile of money they have now.

Capital Cities
I’m getting to the part of the list of bands I don’t recognize.

Jake Bugg
Invariably, when I google the acts on this list I’ve never heard of, I find that there’s a good reason I’ve never heard of them.

Chance The Rapper
Drew The Rapper

Dr. Dog
Fascinating fact: Dr. Dog is the band that Noisey gets pitched on, by both writers and publicists, that we refuse to cover. See?

Yonder Mountain String Band
Beards.

John Butler Trio
White-dude-with-dreadlocks music. Not the worst, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not.

Little Dragon
Game of Thrones returns April 6.

City and Colour
Oh great, another guitar guy at the party.

The Glitch Mob
Molly.

The Naked and Famous
If your band is a Passion Pit ripoff that shares the name of a Presidents of the United States of America song, you know you’re fucked.

Taran Killam
This guy had a really funny guest spot on Scrubs once as the “Jimmy the Overly Touchy Intern” and now he’s on SNL and I guess it’s good but something tells me he’ll be at the Avett Brothers set so I don’t know how to feel about this guy.

Phosphorescent
I think my friend Caitlin likes them.

Drive-By Truckers
Rolling Stone

Washed Out
He’s from the south, so I have to rep him even if he sucks. Fortunately, he doesn’t completely suck.

Danny Brown
Noisey

Warpaint
Everybody pegged them as an “Artist to Watch” in “2014,” but then they put their album out and it made my computer throw up on me. Hype is a deadly disease.

Sam Smith
I thought this dude played acoustic guitar but then I googled him and it turns out he is an EDM star from England or something but like let’s be real—it’s the year 2014 and those two things are practically the same.

A$AP Ferg
WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK

Darkside
Drew kind of looks like Nicolas Jar.

Seasick Steve
No I don’t.

Shovels & Rope
Okay now we really are to the part of the list of bands I haven’t heard of.

Lucero
Drinking Songs for Drinking Men with beards.

Carolina Chocolate Drops
Whiskey

The Wood Brothers
Surprisingly, not the pr0n alter-ego of the ATL Twins.

The Master Musicians of Jajouka led by Bachir Attar, with special guests Billy Martin, Marc
What?

Ribot, DJ Logic and Shazad Ismaily
Remember when iPods used to come automatically loaded with a Mark Ribot song? No, you don’t, because the average age of a Noisey reader is, like, 12.

Pusha T
This. Is. Motha. Fucking. Pusha. T.

Meshuggah
THIS.

Poliça
Bon Iver did something with these guys once and that’s pretty much the only reason they’re playing Bonnaroo.

DakhaBrakha
Dumb hippie music from Ukraine.

Goat
This is a Swedish experimental band that’s been around for over 30 years and has circulating members and apparently also has ties to voodoo worship or something and all of that sounds fucking sweet.

ZZ Ward
NOT ONCE

Seun Kuti
This dude is one of the most famous artists in Nigeria and is way more talented than you and I could ever dream of being.

Blackberry Smoke
Imagine the Skynyrd plane never crashed, and then they all had kids, and those kids formed a band. That’s Blackberry Smoke, and they’re beyond sick.

MS MR
I don’t want to listen to this band.

Hannibal Buress
Jokes are tight.

First Aid Kit
This is really good break-up music.

Rudimental
Bonnaroo is so big that it tries to appeal to everyone now, which leads to human jerkoff-motions like these guys getting booked.

A Tribe Called Red
These dudes are from Canada and produce EDM trap so awesome that it would make Skrillex fart.

Omar Souleyman
Yes plz.

The Bouncing Souls
This band was formed in 1988 and I was born in 1987.

Greensky Bluegrass
Again, Greensky Bluegrass is a great example Peak Old Bonnaroo.

Ty Segall
Hair.

Sarah Jarosz
Seems like somebody whose single iTunes would give away as a free download.

Vintage Trouble
I don’t get it.

Okkervil River
These guys are still a thing?

White Denim
I don’t get it.

Jonathan Wilson
Hey! This dude grew up like 25 minutes from where I’m from! I bet our parents know each other, which is going to make it awkward as soon as I say his songs suck dick.

Robert DeLong
EDM seems to be very popular at festivals.

Cloud Nothings
#EmoRevival #SadRiffRaff

Typhoon
Indie rock

Thao & The Get Down Stay Down
Absolutely not.

Valerie June
This is not EDM.

King Khan & The Shrines
Aw hell yeah, 2007 all over again.

Cherub
This is pretty shitty music made by some kid who looks like he lives in Brooklyn and does too much coke (a.k.a. what half of the Noisey staff looks like).

BANKS
We premiered her video, so I’m not allowed to say anything bad about her.

Break Science
*pause*

The Black Lillies
Every time you think country is gonna become a thing again, a band like this comes along and fucks it up for everybody else.

Real Estate
Chill, bro. Chill. Chiiiiillllll.

The Lone Bellow
There’s obviously a market for bands like this, I just don’t know that many people had gotten voluntary lobotomies.

Caveman
2008

Big Sam's Funky Nation
Drink a bunch of $12 beers and dance to funk. Feel alive. YOLO.

Jon Batiste
Drew is catching up to me because I keep having to look up artists.

La Santa Cecilia
SOCIAL MESSAGES.

Classixx
I hate this band.

Allah-Las
OK, yeah.

Cass McCombs
This music is really sweet but it’s cool for, like, sitting at home alone and crying to yourself and not talking to anyone and then regretting sitting at home alone and crying to yourself but not at all cool for doing molly in a field.

Vance Joy
You can’t please all of the people all of the time, and despite having pleased nearly 6 million people on YouTube, this did not please me.

Haerts
:(

J. Roddy Walston & The Business
This band sounds exactly like you’d expect them to. This is not a good thing.

Those Darlins
Cocaine

Deafheaven
I’m friends with these dudes on the internet. They rule.

Lake Street Dive
NPR

St. Paul & The Broken Bones
Neutered white dude-soul.

The Wild Feathers
Oh man we are so close to the end of the list.

The Preatures
IDK, a lot of these bands just seem icky to me. Like, white people digging into predominantly African-American funk/soul music and literally whitewashing it to lend an element of gross exoticism to their shitty pop-rock.

Blank Range
Beer

Drew Millard and Eric Sundermann sit across from each other at the Noisey desk.

@drewmillard

@ericsundy

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