On the Strange Beauty of French Montana and Khloe Kardashian’s Relationship

French Montana's face when he's with Khloe Kardashian constantly seems to be saying, "DUDE! Can you believe this shit?"

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Apr 28 2014, 8:40pm

There is a particular face employed by French Montana whenever a photographer captures him with his new girlfriend Khloe Kardashian. It is a wonderful face, a shit-eating grin sent down from heaven, or at least whatever the Bronx equivalent of heaven is. It’s a face marked by bewilderment, shock, and the sort of gleeful smirk you make when you’re the only one in the room in on the joke. It’s a face that says, “Yeah, dude. I can’t believe this shit either.”

By aligning himself with the Kardashians, French Montana has flexed up to unbelievable degrees. Then again, French’s whole m.o. is sort of based on the idea that a man can be buried under a mountain of turds and still come up for air smiling. Partner-in-rhyme Max B goes to jail? French seemingly absorbs his popularity. Weird slur because he got shot in the head? Everything French says sounds deeper than fuck because of it. His is the voice of a man who has traveled many miles to tell you nothing at all. He is a genius. He is an idiot. He is a genius because he’s such an idiot. He’s an idiot because he is a genius. And so on and so forth, spiraling into infinity. HAAAN.

There are several baffling things about the video for Mally Mall’s “Wake Up In It”—mainly, its existence at all, since it features Sean Kingston, Tyga, Pusha T, and French Montana, which is perhaps the most arbitrary assortment of rappers you could slap together in Pro Tools and call a posse cut. I have no doubt these dudes didn’t meet in person until they shot the video for the song, and even then somebody (Pusha, I’m looking at you) was probably green-screened in. But it is an incredible video nonetheless. It takes place in a fantastical mansion party full of extremely beautiful women smoking hookahs, seemingly indifferent to the rap video that’s surrounding them. The human smirk that is Scott Disick appears in the video playing poker. Why? Because having Scott Disick appear in your rap video for no reason is a gigantic stunt, even more impressive than a tiger or something (there’s a million tigers, there’s only one Disick). Then Justin Bieber shows up rocking a whisp of a sustache for maybe two seconds. Much like everything else about this video, not once is his presence ever explained.

In the center of all of this is French Montana, rocking a crisp haircut that makes him kind of look like a Roman senator if Roman senators were prone to wearing a shit-ton of fur for no reason. Was Disick showing up in this video the spark that set the flames of Khloe and French’s romance alight? Maybe! Did French Montana convince Scott Disick to show up in a rap video because he was piping his sister-in-law? Also completely possible!

None of this matters, of course. What does matter is that Khloe is rumored to be pregnant with French’s baby, which is basically the gossip blog way of saying it’s been confirmed that they’re dating. But imagine French did have a baby with a Kardashian. He’d be related to Kanye West. Which would, for obvious reasons, be amazing. He’d show up in Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which would lend an element of Harmony Korine-style mumbly weirdness to the whole affair. Would they let Chinx be on the show? What about Cheeze or other, lesser members of Coke Boys? Would French take the cameras with him when he meets the plug? The answers to these questions are yes, no, and absofuckinglutely not, in case you were wondering.

By this point, it’s pretty well-established that the Kardashian and their brood are the fun, trashy equivalent to American royalty. Dating one is basically as good as bagging a Kennedy was in the 60s, except without all that weird tragedy shit that surrounded the family. The real question becomes, where the fuck did Khloe Kardashian find time out of her busy lifestyle being a professional paparazzi target to find out who French Montana is? Though French is an extremely popular rapper it’s not like he’s on the same hemisphere of famous as the Kardashians. The dude makes street rap and songs for strippers and hangs out with Lil Durk. He looks like this without a shirt on. He is not a classy dude. I can only assume Khloe listened to “God Body,” heard the line about never getting tested for STDs and making his girl go to the doctor for him instead, and said, “Fuck it, I’ll date this guy.” Was she swayed by the raw emotion French displayed in the “Sanctuary” video? Or did she listen to “Sanctuary,” hear the Kingdom Hearts 2 sample, immediately, and fall for the inherent goofiness it takes to rap over the theme song of JRPG starring Disney characters? Maybe it had nothing to do with “Sanctuary” at all. Maybe she figured French would be a good dude to go fabric shopping with? Whatever. We will never know.

Drew Millard is the Features Editor of Noisey and has many, many questions. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard

For more French Montana stuff, read The Kid Mero's review of Excuse My French, plus an interview with the voice behind the "Coke Boy, Baby!" drop.