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Music

Hello, Shane Richie Has Written a Sex Song for Your Parents

It's bloody good as well.
Emma Garland
London, GB

Picture, if you will, the average heterosexual middle-class British married couple.

Dad holds a position of minor seniority at a company he started working at in his early twenties after doing some sort of apprenticeship. He can build an entire entertainment unit himself from scratch but doesn't know how to boil an egg. He likes to spend three hours looking at screws in B&Q every Sunday. Mum spends months October through April aggressively checking the Thompson websites for cheap breaks to Corfu, spends four evenings a week in a supermarket and says "I shouldn't have to ask" a lot.

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Rich source of British stand-up and situation comedy though that couple is, it's not exactly the stuff from which great music. In fact it's exactly the sort of suburban monotony that many people end up applying to do a BA at Freie Universität Berlin or getting bang into Ironman triathlons in order to escape. Now, though, something amazing has happened. Shane Richie – or, as you may better know him, Alfie Moon off of Eastenders – has released single "Shut Up ('Cause All I Want Is You)" that may just about have managed to turn the quiet misery of middle-age monogamy into a #FridayFeel rager.

Featuring such wholesome lyrics as "my wife looks hot and the pinot's cold", "now I'm dressed up, it's Friday night / my favourite shirt feels a little tight", and "the kids aren't back til the morning", our Shane has, well, he's written a song about fucking his wife hasn't he. Like, your parents are probably going to have sex to this. At the very least, they're going to join hands in the kitchen and do that horrible little arm jig that Peter Kay does in the Amarillo video.

On the one hand it's a very transparent move to replicate Bradley Walsh's music success and target mums – now the core demographic for mainstream British music – in the lead up to Christmas. But also, it just slaps doesn't it. The term "PMA" has not been embodied this thoroughly since John Joseph discovered veganism.

Please enjoy the lyric video in full above :-)

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