This is a static age we live in.
Recently, I was excited to learn that a Glenn Danzig TV special was in the works. Then I found out the title: Danzig Legacy. If history has taught us anything, it's that adding "Legacy" to the end of anything Danzig is in is a great way to completely ruin it—like adding "Diet" before any kind of soda or "Part III" to any movie title. So instead of being one of those people who complains about how shitty things are, I decided to do something about it. I put together a few ideas off the top of my head that would make for very watchable TV shows starring Glenn Danzig. (If any TV execs are reading this and wanna get serious, please email cash offers to: firstname.lastname@example.org)
America's Goth Talent
This is an American Idol-type show where people line up to audition to be in Danzig's band. Danzig will say everyone sucks and all the contestants will be eliminated in the first round. So really, the season is just one episode. But the series' highlight will be the audition by a mysterious, buff dude wearing what is clearly a fake mustache and going by the name "Gary...uh, Gary Only."
Be, Be, Be My Darling
This is a dating show where 27 women move into Danzig's house and compete for his love. For the first season, Danzig doesn't leave his bedroom. We just see shots of the women looking through all the weird goth shit in his house and being creeped out. Out of the 27 women, most will eliminate themselves and a few will go into the bathroom and mysteriously disappear (to be fair, they were warned in "Horror Business"). The remaining woman meets Glenn and he takes her on a date to Pizza Hut in his Jaguar.
Train With Samhain
This is a workout show hosted by Danzig. Danzig doesn't give viewers workout tips or pointers, he just hits the weights in silence, grunting occasionally. Also, he doesn't sign off on the idea of being filmed in the gym so most of the shots are shaky iPhone videos of him bench pressing. The bench press is the only exercise he does. He says cardio is for "pussies." He also doesn't do much actual benching because he's the kind of guy who loads up the bar with every plate in the gym and then just struts around the water fountain for 45 minutes.
Goofin' With Glenn
This is a show where Danzig plays pranks and practical jokes on people. He is most fond of the prank phone call. Here's some sample dialogue from a prank call:
Caller: "First Evangelical Church, Father Rob here."
Danzig: "Hello, Father Rob. The Jesus you believe in is a fraud. Satan the inverted Nazarene prince of truth awaits you."
Caller: "I'm sorry, who did you say this wa—" [phone hangs up]
Danzig: [giggles like school girl]
Jersey Shore But With Danzig
Pretty self-explanatory. Danzig graduated from high school in New Jersey which makes him the most qualified and most well-educated cast member. The cast will give him a nickname and argue about who ate all the protein powder.
Glenn Danzig's Guide To Style
This is a show for Bravo TV where aspiring designers compete to make the perfect black mesh shirt for Danzig. The real entertainment will be watching aspiring designers squirm as they try to come up with euphemisms for his gut.
In this show, Glenn shows up at the homes and offices of other famous Glenns and challenges them to fist fights to see who the best Glenn is. The first season will feature Glenn Beck, Glenn Close, and John Glenn who [spoiler alert] knocks Danzig out cold.
Glenn Danzig: Cat Whisperer
I haven't really thought this one out. I guess this show just follows Danzig around as he like, buys cat food and cleans the litter box and stuff. Most of the show will take place at PetSmart as Danzig asks the sales associate which kitty litter is the "most evil."
Danzig with the Stars
Honestly, I came up with the title first and that's the most important part. Danzig dances with random starlets who have no idea who he is. (The song for every dance routine song is "Mother.")
Where Eagles Share
This is an animated children's show where Danzig teaches kids the meaning of sharing and helping each other. Alternate title: Mommy, Can I Go Out and Learn Tonight?
And here are a few more ideas I haven't fully worked out yet:
President Danzig: Sort of like The West Wing but Danzig is the president. Every episode starts with him answering the red phone in the Oval Office with his catchphrase: "This is President Danzig." [cut to dramatic opening credits]
Danzig Island: Twelve people are stuck on an island with Danzig.
Danzig, M.D.: This show is like House where Danzig is a brilliant but complicated doctor trying to cure his patients. The twist is he never went to medical school.
Are You Taller Than Glenn Danzig?: Average people compete to see if they are taller than Glenn Danzig (5' 4").
Two and a Half Men: Same as the original but Danzig and Henry Rollins are the two guys.
Glenn Danzig: Mindfreak: Danzig goes around doing street magic, or at least what he thinks is street magic.
Law and Order: 666: Danzig is teamed up with a sassy female partner and the two begrudgingly investigate crimes together.
Hybrid Moments: A bunch of chipper environmentalists try to get Danzig to go green and live in a more eco-friendly way. He wants nothing to do with it.
Untitled Danzig QVC show: Danzig spends 30 minutes on QVC trying to sell katana swords and comic books and stuff.
Extreme Home Makeover: Mother Fucking Bricks Edition: Inspired by the infamous Danzig brick incident, this will just be Danzig removing piles of "mother fucking bricks" from people's front yards.
Dan Ozzi has zero television experience unless you count the time you could see his house on the news. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi