We Asked Britney Fans About the Most Toxic Thing They’ve Ever Done

"There was a poo on the middle of my floor, and I knew it was me but I blamed it on my mum.”

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28 August 2018, 9:43am

All images courtesy of the author

Britney Jean Spears. Whatever you may think of her singing voice, she still ranks among the most iconic pop stars alive. This is the woman who sang “Oops!...I Did it Again” and “...Baby One More Time,” not only bangers of the highest order but incidentally the two most powerful uses of ellipses in English language. Britney, who wrote a chorus that essentially just repeats the word “Womanizer” ad infinitum and has the power to turn a dance floor full of 40-year-old women called Karen into a genuine threat to public safety. The only pop star to have produced several actively good songs featuring will.i.am. And we haven’t even got onto “Toxic”.

“Toxic” by Britney Spears is the sonic equivalent of Big Dick Energy. It is the musical analogue to driving a sports car down an empty motorway at midnight, and (I assume) the exact sound you hear as you turn and walk away after throwing an expensive cocktail over your cheating partner’s crisp white shirt. The audacity of declaring another human being to be “toxic” though. It basically means your existence is pure poison. But also, who the fuck hasn’t at some point in their life been the very embodiment of toxicity?

With all of this in mind, we headed down to the O2 in London – where the holy Spearit was playing this weekend – to chat to a bunch of die-hards about the most toxic thing they’ve ever done.

“I really hope my mum doesn’t see this interview.”

From left to right: Sam, India and Lucila

Noisey: This might be a hard question for megafans like you, but what are your top three Britney songs?
India: I actually told this so somebody yesterday so I’ve got it down. “Sometimes” because that song has a lot of meaning to me from my childhood, and then “Circus” because it’s so energetic and it gets you going, and then “Oops!...I Did It Again” cos it’s a classic.

But what about “Toxic”?
Lucila: Love “Toxic” – that’s definitely one of mine. So my top are probably “Toxic”, “Stronger” and I really like “Criminal” too.

What’s the most toxic thing you’ve ever done?
Sam: One time I er… oh I dunno if I should share this.

You were really quick to jump in with an answer, I have to know what you were gonna say.
Sam: So I woke up in the morning after a heavy night and… there was a poo on the middle of my floor, and I knew it was me but I blamed it on my mum.

And how did she react to that?
Sam: She said, “No I think it was you because you smell of booze.”

But she actually considered that it might have been her?
India: Yeah, that sounds like at one point she did consider..?
Guy: I tried to mind twist her to make her feel like it was her, but it was actually me, and I really hope my mum doesn’t see this interview.

Can either of you top that?
Lucila: I don’t actually think I can.
Sam: I bet you can...
India: I’m a nice good girl.

“It was at my friend’s 18th birthday”

From left to right: Katy, Daniel and Rosie

Noisey: Big Britney fans?
Rosie: He’s seen her in Vegas about… how many times is it?
Daniel: Twelve times. I’m seeing her tomorrow as well, and I went to Brighton.

I heard the Brighton show ended up being pretty, er, toxic.
Daniel: Oh I had a great time, I was camping to extend the experience, so I missed all the train drama.

What’s the most toxic thing you’ve ever done?
Rosie: I dunno if I really want it published.
Daniel: I vomited champagne into a champagne glass, that was pretty toxic. It was at my friend’s 18th birthday.
Katy: At a dinner party.

Delightful, what did you do with the glass afterwards?
Daniel: I just left it on the table and went home.

Nice, bet the waiters loved you.
Katy:
I’m sure they did yeah.

“I can’t believe I wasn’t fired”

From left to right: Stéphanie and Sego

Noisey: What’s the most toxic thing you’ve ever done?
Stéphanie: Oooooh yes. Ok, so I used to be a tour guide on bicycle tours and one day I took acid and I did a tour while I was on acid.

Wow. That’s quite a literal definition of “toxic”.
Stéphanie: Yeah it was pretty crazy. I can’t believe I wasn’t fired.

And you, Sego?
Sego: Well… what am I supposed to say after that?

What do you think toxic means?
Sego: For me it’s a relationship.

Have you been in a toxic relationship?
Sego: No! But she [*points*] has been in sooo many!
Stéphanie: So, so many.

Oh, hun.
Stéphanie: I’m ok!

“We were so drunk we weren’t allowed to fly”

From left to right: Anya, Lillian and Lara

Noisey: What’s the most toxic thing you’ve ever done?
Lillian: Well, hahaha–
Lara: Oh god, I don’t know…

Lillian, I feel like you knew the answer straight away.
Anya: Yeah Lil’s thought about this. She knows…
Lillian: A couple of weeks ago I almost didn’t get on a flight because me and my friend were so drunk we were told we weren’t allowed to fly.

That’s toxic in a variety of ways isn’t it?
Lillian: Toxic and intoxicated. I think that was me at my peak, being the worst I can possibly be.

And you guys?
Lara: I have three sisters so I feel like anything between the four of us is quite toxic, it’s quite a toxic environment.
Anya: God, I don’t know.
Lara: You’re really not a very toxic person, Anya.

Have you ever had a toxic relationship?
Anya: Maybe a toxic friendship... high school was a bit toxic maybe.
Lara: I can’t think of anything you’ve done that was toxic. You’re squeaky clean!

You’re schoolgirl Britney and these guys are air hostess Britney.
Lara: Yeah that’s it. What’s the worst one you’ve heard?

Well one guy did a shit in his living room so comparatively I think you’re all pretty non-toxic.
Lara: Oh, our friend was once so desperate for the loo at a party that she did a shit in a Morrison’s bag and had to sneak it out the house a couple of hours later.
Lillian: But no-one in the vicinity.
Anya: Yes, nobody here did that just to be clear.

“It was embarrassing and it smelled”

From left to right: Nat and Liz.

Noisey: I was wondering what the most toxic thing you’ve ever done is.
Nat: I shit myself in the street.

More shit. What's the context?
Liz: It was in Croatia. After a heavy night at a festival.
Nat: No, we hadn’t even been to the festival at this point. No heavy nights were involved, it was just a whole week of drinking yoghurt. Three yoghurts a day, 250ml per yoghurt. They go really well with this Croatian pastry called burek. Yeah so…
Liz: So she shat herself in the street, it was embarrassing and it smelled.
Nat: It smelled toxic.

What did you do in the immediate aftermath of that situation?
Liz: Well she went to the bathroom to clean herself up and I ordered myself a sandwich.

That’s a very chilled out reaction.
Liz: I was hungry. Please, if you put this in the thing can you be really clear about the fact that she [*points*] shat herself, and not me.

Got it. Nat shat herself everyone. Not Liz.
Liz: Correct.

“I kicked my sister in the head on a staircase”

From left to right: Rachel, Lucy, Lauren and Danielle.

What’s the most toxic thing you’ve ever done?
Rachel: Do you know what? I don’t even know where to start.
Lauren: When I was really young me and my sister were on the staircase fighting and I was on the upper steps and she was on the corner and I kicked her in the head and it bounced off the wall.
Danielle: That’s pretty bad.

That’s the second answer I’ve had about sisters. Can anyone else top that?
Lucy: Going back to the sister theme… my sister was once playing in my bedroom and she was really annoying me and wouldn’t go away so I bit my own arm and left imprints on my arm and then told my parents it was my sister.

I’ve deffo done that. I think if you have a sibling, you’ve probably done something like that haven’t you?
Lauren: Yeah probably.
Rachel: I got a fake ID and got my nipple pierced when I was 15. I think that was my most toxic moment, but I took it out cos my new boyfriend didn’t like it.

Nice. What do you think toxic really means?
Danielle: Bad vibes.
Rachel: But bad vibes aren’t always a bad thing.

I feel that.

“Ugh, kept someone in my life for too long”

From left to right: Shilla and Cy

Noisey: What’s the most toxic thing you’ve done?
Shilla: Stay with somebody in my life for a long time.
Cy: That was toxic. Ohhhh yeah it was.

I feel like you know about this cos your face was like ‘‘mmmmhmmm’’.
Shilla: It was like *she literally sings* I shoulda gone a long time agooooo! She overstayed, I overstayed. We all overstayed!

Oh, wow. What was toxic about it?
Shilla: Uuuugh. Jealousy, lies. Lies! Oh my god, THE LIES! They’ll do it to you, men and women!
Cy: Lies in capitals!

What’s your one?
Cy: Probably the same: relationships, man. That’s it.

The truth. Thanks guys!

You can follow Rosie on Twitter.