The Kurupt FM Guys Tell Us All the Ways to Fuck Off Forever
The last season of 'People Just Do Nothing' starts today, so here's Grindah, Beats, Steves and Chabuddy G's advice for you on leaving jobs, friendships, group WhatsApps and more.
The guys from BBC's 'People Just Do Nothing' (Photo by Jack Barnes via PR)
Look, by now you probably know about People Just Do Nothing. Since it started as a web-series in 2012 – moving to BBC Three in 2014 – it’s become one of the best-loved comedies on British telly, with its deluded pirate radio 'tycoons', their money-making schemes and a UK garage soundtrack. The Kurupt FM squad – Grindah, who makes David Brent look meek; Beats; Steves and failed entrepreneur Chabuddy G – were our perfect protagonists, horrendous and loveable in equal measure.
A mockumentary hadn’t felt as fresh since The Office – and, as People Just Do Nothing went on it also delivered unexpected amounts of pathos; last year’s fourth series saw Grindah (played by Allan 'Seapa' Mustafa), Beats (Huge Chewgin) and Steves (Steve Stamp) on the cusp of losing the station, and Chabuddy (Asim Chaudry) forced to live out of his van. Things aren’t looking up for series five, either: while Chabuddy has finally got himself a girl and a job, Steves has been arrested, and Miche and Grindah’s neighbourhood is victim to gentrification.
Away from the show, its stars have enjoyed slightly more success, however, appearing at the likes of Glastonbury, and even releasing an EP, The Lost Tape, last year via XL. However, bucking the trend of British TV shows that go on for 20 series, slowly losing their way, the new series of PJDN will be its last, with the series going out on a (perhaps literal) high. And so, we met with the Kurupt FM crew for a drink (orange juice; it was 4PM, so not quite time for Chabuddy’s signature Polish vodka and peanut dust combo), in a swish east London bar where Radio 1 bounced off shiny surfaces.
Here, the group rarely break character, if only to erupt into fits at giggles at phrases like “golden seed” in a way that only colleagues who are also best mates do. Or, of course, to take the piss out of each other; a mention of Jodie Marsh sees Seapa accuse Chegwin of harbouring lasagne-themed fantasies about the model, for example (real heads know of lasagne as a PJDN touchstone). Seapa lunges around in character as Grindah, but is more docile when the chat ends, even if he does briefly wonder whether they may have made too many sex references. Anyway, because this is meant to be the show’s final series, we made them all tell us the best ways to fuck off forever, from ditching out of control WhatsApp groups to leaving the country before Brexit hits.
Noisey: You hate your housemates, they’re loud, rude, they don’t know what a sponge is – how do you get out?
Grindah: What the fuck is a houseshare?
Steves: It’s like where I lived with Nan. Although, actually, that was her house.
Beats: Until we moved her out.
Grindah: Yeah I'd say just get them out instead. Just make sure they've got somewhere to go first. Say to your houseshare mate … house friend, flatmate, whatever … say, you're doing my head in a bit, but what I've done is I've gone onto, what's the thing called…?
Chabuddy G: Gummytree.
Oh, you mean Gumtr–
Grindah: I've gone on to Gummytree on Google and that, and I've already set you up with another place with other housesharers.
Beats: You could pack their bags for them as well to make it quicker.
Steves: Yeah that’s what you lot did for my nan.
Chabuddy: You could get them a space in a shed. I had seven geezers from Sri Lanka living in my back garden before. It solves the housing crisis as well.
Grindah: [Laughs] Yeah, people are moaning about immigrants, this one’s actually sorting out their housing! Tell that to the President! You could also say to your housemate 'you leave first, I'll follow you'. Then you just stay, obviously.
Brexit’s on the way and who knows what that’s going to mean for life in Britain – where should we all be headed?
Grindah: I'd probably just go to Jamaica, back to the motherland.
Beats: I think I'd stay as I don't like the food in other countries, and you can't watch British TV.
Grindah: Going abroad brings out the racism in him, though the blazing dumbed it down a bit – that's why they should legalise weed.
Beats: I'm not racist, I'll live with any kind of people. I just want to be able to get a pizza.
Grindah: You’d love the Costa Del Sol. They do the best pizzas there.
Beats: Is that Italy?
Chabuddy: If anyone needs a passport I can knock one up for you. If you’re brown I’ll just say you’re Italian.
You’re at your friend’s party and it’s awful. How do you leave without offending them?
Steves: If it was me, I'd pull a whitey. Or make your friend whitey and carry them out, then leave.
Grindah: Yeah, you do that a lot.
Beats: I've got a kid, so I've got a good excuse, I'd just say Roche called.
Grindah: If it was me, I'm not gonna lie ever. I'm gonna go up to them and be like, this party is shit, you should be ashamed of yourself. And then I'd just wait outside to see if they follow me.
Chabuddy: This is easy cos I normally get thrown out of parties anyway. Past 9PM I turn into someone else – pint of vodka, rolley in my mouth. I get really intense, order some brasses, get thrown out and leave with them. Are you guys actually having a party tonight by the way? Are we invited?
You’re in a relationship that’s tanking rapidly – how do you dump someone?
Steves: I've never been in a relationship before so I'm not sure what I'd do. I’m winning really.
Chabuddy: Exactly. Don’t commit. You have to spread your golden seed first, it's a shame to just have one girl [everyone laughs].
Beats: Just block them on everything.
Grindah: Yeah, clean and easy. don't have a bank account either, don't give them your address. Also tell them 'it's not me, it's you, honestly you're ruining my life - I can do better than you'. They'll move on quicker that way.
And how do you dump a friend?
Grindah: I mean I don't do it, I've never had to do it. You know why? Because me making friends isn't that easy, it's like an X Factor process. I'm like a villain – I turn all the lights off, they walk in, there's a tiny little chink of light in the room. They're like, ‘Hello? Anyone in there?’ I slowly turn around and say, ‘What do you want from me? Can you MC, can you DJ?’
Steves: [Laughs] That's how we met.
Beats: I was friends with this guy called Darren, he was safe for a bit but we realised he was into House music. Again, I just blocked his number, see you later. Gone forever.
Chabuddy: I had this needy Mongolian friend, Melford, who lived in one of my cupboards, really short. Played the accordion. I didn't get rid of him though, he just got deported.
Steves: I would wait til your friend's asleep then make them shit themselves.
Beats: How do you do that?
Steves: Use dog shit. Put it in their trousers, then wake them up and tell them “get out! You’ve shat yourself”
You’re in a long WhatsApp group. How do you leave?
Chabuddy: I’m not on WhatsApp, I still use MSN. But I'd probably send a virus, put a bit of Trojan malware in there, bit of porn.
Grindah: I would send a picture of me biting my bottom lip and putting my middle finger up and then just the next thing you see is ‘Grindah’s left the group’.
Beats: Just say your WhatsApp ran out of data. I only get £5 credit a month so it does happen, especially when I’m looking at pictures of Jodie Marsh.
How about quitting a job you hate?
Grindah: That's a question for the rest of these guys ... you're all workers, you all work for me. I pay all the bills, gas, electricity. Where do you think the water comes from, the mountains?
Steves: I pay all the bills.
Grindah: Yeah, cos I tell you to. As your boss.
Beats: Just follow your dreams. Tell them the boss you’re better than everyone that works there, then duck out.
Steves: That's what I did at Megabowl.
Beats: Yeah, but that was just weird cos you didn’t even work there.
Chabuddy: If you work with a company for a long time, you can also do an inside job, make the company go broke and then they have to give you redundancy pay. It’s like a five-year plan. Maybe someone could do that at VICE...
The final series of People Just Do Nothing airs from Monday 12 November on BBC2 at 10PM, then will be up on BBC iPlayer; The Kurupt FM Last Ever Tour (Probably) is on its way around the UK from 9 November to 26 November.
You can find Hannah on Twitter .