Adele, the brash-but-warm pub landlady of the British music industry has added yet another string to her bow: singer, philanthropist, comedian, and now: ordained wedding minister. She announced yesterday via Instagram that she had joined two of her friends – comedian Alan Carr and his new husband Paul Drayton – in matrimony earlier this year. Because it's Adele, she was also dressed in some sort of priestess-type costume, and the whole thing got me thinking about how having Adele officiate your wedding is probably the best fun a person might literally ever get to have (or at least better than getting a regular vicar to do the job). So, with a rich history of celebrity fiction behind me, I have some ideas about how it might have gone down:9:01AM
Adele is in hair and make-up (her living room) having a fag. The costume she has had made for the occasion (her brief: "Dolly Parton meets… you know… a fackin' priest.") hangs in the wardrobe behind her. She considers the seriousness of the task at hand: joining two souls in love, forever. She cracks open a pre-midday bottle of Prosecco, and thinks, "If anyone can do it, I can." Do you know why? Because if Adele is anything, she's a fucking legend.12:36PM
The wedding is at 2 o'clock and Adele is entering her second hour of trying to get the priest costume on. In this scenario, Adele, who loves to dress up, is your dad who thought it would be funny to wear trousers with built-in stilts to your uncle's fancy dress 50th but now can't actually get out of the door and has to go in the car in his pants before just getting changed at the last minute like a twat. She has, of course, taken it too far with her costume, but when you are the woman who screeched down the microphone at the literal Grammys that Beyoncé deserved your award over you, it is probably impossible to feel as though you have taken anything too far ever again.2:13PM
The ceremony has begun and Adele is doing an hour of stand-up before they get down to the actual wedding business. Her set goes down marvellously, and she receives a standing ovation. Alan Carr's mother is crying with laughter in the front row, and mouthing the word "Legend" through her gasps.5:30PM
The wedding is complete, the love has been solidified, and Adele is MC-ing the speeches. Both grooms and the best man are booed off for being boring, in favour of entertainment legend Adele.8:54PM
The first dance takes place. The happy couple dance to an Adele medley, performed live by Adele, accompanied by an accompanying stage show. It takes two hours.12:07AM
The first guests start to leave. Along with the party favours, Adele hands out packets of B&H Gold to everyone who has attended, and is pleased with a job well done, like God on the seventh day.In sum, please donate to my upcoming crowdfunder to have Adele officiate my eventual wedding. I have never wanted anything more.Follow Lauren on Twitter.
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Adele is in hair and make-up (her living room) having a fag. The costume she has had made for the occasion (her brief: "Dolly Parton meets… you know… a fackin' priest.") hangs in the wardrobe behind her. She considers the seriousness of the task at hand: joining two souls in love, forever. She cracks open a pre-midday bottle of Prosecco, and thinks, "If anyone can do it, I can." Do you know why? Because if Adele is anything, she's a fucking legend.12:36PM
The wedding is at 2 o'clock and Adele is entering her second hour of trying to get the priest costume on. In this scenario, Adele, who loves to dress up, is your dad who thought it would be funny to wear trousers with built-in stilts to your uncle's fancy dress 50th but now can't actually get out of the door and has to go in the car in his pants before just getting changed at the last minute like a twat. She has, of course, taken it too far with her costume, but when you are the woman who screeched down the microphone at the literal Grammys that Beyoncé deserved your award over you, it is probably impossible to feel as though you have taken anything too far ever again.2:13PM
The ceremony has begun and Adele is doing an hour of stand-up before they get down to the actual wedding business. Her set goes down marvellously, and she receives a standing ovation. Alan Carr's mother is crying with laughter in the front row, and mouthing the word "Legend" through her gasps.
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The wedding is complete, the love has been solidified, and Adele is MC-ing the speeches. Both grooms and the best man are booed off for being boring, in favour of entertainment legend Adele.8:54PM
The first dance takes place. The happy couple dance to an Adele medley, performed live by Adele, accompanied by an accompanying stage show. It takes two hours.12:07AM
The first guests start to leave. Along with the party favours, Adele hands out packets of B&H Gold to everyone who has attended, and is pleased with a job well done, like God on the seventh day.In sum, please donate to my upcoming crowdfunder to have Adele officiate my eventual wedding. I have never wanted anything more.Follow Lauren on Twitter.