Everything a $1 Million Festival Ticket Should Actually Buy You

Welcome to full-on festival news season everybody, can I get a “fights about VIP packages are about to divide group chats around the world”?? If you’re the sort of person who paid good money to try and attend Fyre Festival, you’ll be happy to hear about the return of another deluxe event, Iceland’s Secret Solstice festival. That’s the one where you can party in a volcano. It's also the festival where, since 2016, a single person can buy a single $1 million ticket for a decadent! Luxury! Experience (and this year, also watch Slayer if they go to any of the live music).

Somehow, the fact that this festival runs across four days from of continuous sunshine from 21 to 24 June (shout out to Rejkjavik's position on the planet) and will see sets from Gucci Mane, J Hus, Dream Wife, Stormzy, GoldLink and IAMDDB isn’t enough of a pull. So Secret Solstice’s organisers are pushing the idea that “daily pampering with luxury spa access and a personalised glam squad, private dining with prominent Icelandic chefs in unique Icelandic locations” and horseback riding are really important parts of the festival experience. Well, OK!

It’s easy to be snarky about this sort of thing. VIP packages have altered the face of festivals for a good few years now, inviting casual music listeners with loads of money into spaces once populated by people who actually went to festivals for the music. You know, music fans. But, for just one moment, imagine that you had $1 million to spare. Visualise how you, an investment banker or software developer or pilot who’s just really good at saving, would play this. Secret Solstice have already shared a long list of “perks” bought by that most-expensive ticket (but again, this is a FOUR-DAY event for $1 million. Four days. For a million US dollars, my guy). If the cash were a foregone conclusion, these are a few suggestions for ways to make that milli worth it, based off some of the real offers in that vvv-VIP package.

What is it about champagne that makes it give you an immediate headache? It’s like the hangover starts before you’ve even finished one tiny flute. You know what, just switch that out for prosecco and a few elderflower and soda waters guys. The delicacies sound great too but please add some fried seitan sliders into the mix.

Can they do black hair? As in, black natural hair. I’m not out here trying to watch an Icelandic hairstylist take one look at these tight 4c curls, let out a nervous laugh, whip out a brush that I immediately have to swat out of her hands (#fingercomb only) then suggest a wig. To be fair, a selection of wigs would be fun though, please add that to the list.

Jesus, what a mouthful. I, a hypothetical multi-millionaire, would much prefer a bunch of neon crop tops and vinyl trousers sold by online store Dolls Kill. No disrespect to this Icelandic brand but I’m not trying to dress for the mountains here.

Nah, just hand me a DVD of all six seasons of The L Word, lower a huge flatscreen TV from the ceiling and let me invite my friends to whatever fancy room I, the $1 million ticketholder, will be housed in. Then we’re good. As a plan B, I’d settle for an HD version of Beyonce’s weekend 2 Coachella performance in full. Please cater with my uncle's steak recipe, mini bahn-mis and fresh tropical fruit (removing the thorns from the pineapple slices, no one wants that itchy mouth).

The only option for this has to be the vintage Louis Vuitton cases from The Darjeeling Limited or somebody’s getting fired. Wow, this sense of entitlement and being unnecessarily demanding lark is really getting to my head!

… You know what? That’s fine.

• A room full of well-fed, hydrated and NOT FARMED chow chow puppies who want to play;
• A personalised, pre-taped message from Beyonce at the start of the Coachella DVD;
• All-you-can-eat jalapeño and cheddar quinoa puffs from Eat Real (sorry, this is the real me);
• A quiet and private space at the festival for other introverts to recharge their mental batteries, where no one can bump into them or scream “TRAAAAP GOD” while pushing their way to Gucci Mane’s set;
• A socialist utopia where my gourmet meals and drinks are shared with the broke millennials holding general admission tickets.

Thanks!

You can find Tshepo thinking about all-you-can-eat snacks on Twitter.