Lead image courtesy of Orlando Gilli
Lead image courtesy of Orlando Gilli

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Music

How Not to Die From Boredom This Christmas

Here is some stuff to read, hear and absorb during that blank void of hell we refer to as “the holidays”.

“I can’t wait for the holidays, I can’t wait for the holidays” we say to our friends and colleagues, in the weeks leading up to the holidays. “I can’t wait for the holidays, I can’t wait for the holidays” we whisper to ourselves, shuffling around our office or college or whatever institution is taking our/paying us money. And then the holidays arrive and, well. Once you’ve gotten over the novelty of being able to wake up whenever you like and shove cocktail sausages and Quality Street in your mouth and call it “breakfast”, the boredom settles in and it’s like… what now?

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But fear not! We got your back! Just like we did last year, and the year before. Presuming of course that you read and watched all the Noisey stuff from this year – such as The Unstoppable Rise of Birmingham Rap, Liam Gallagher chatting to all these cute kids, or else a bunch of our features with Robyn, Wicca Phase Springs Eternal and many more – below we have listed some things that will help stave off that boredom. Longreads, podcasts, mixes, whatever… see it all below:

A DECADE OF LADY GAGA CRAMMED INTO NINE MINS

This spliced-together collage of Gaga footage was doing the rounds on Twitter not so long ago. On first glance, it looks like just another fan video. If you watch it though, it pulls you in, keeps you there and you'll emerge from the whole thing being a newly dedicated Little Monster.

THIS FUCKING WILD MIX FROM THE POM POMS

No. You will not hear a better party mix than this. It is pure gold. Crammed with everything from bubblegum pop to UKG to grime to 90s trance hits to dirty electro, the whole thing is part school disco, part basement queer club. A personal highlight is when “Flowers” by Sweet Female Attitude bleeds into Peaches’ “Fuck the Pain Away”.

BROOKE CANDY'S AVANT-GARDE QUEER PORNO

The phrase “ethical porn” has been bandied around so much it's kind of lost meaning. But this adult short film from LA singer/rapper Brooke Candy is both a porno, and a counterpoint to an industry geared towards and ran by straight dudes. All that aside, though, it's also just a really good watch. You can see it here via PornHub, but obviously it's extremely NSFW, so don't wack this out at the dinner table in between Christmas crackers, unless your family are *like that*.

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THIS LONGREAD IN VULTURE ON HOW BROCKHAMPTON BUILT A MULTI-MEDIA EMPIRE

So much has been written about Brockhampton – including here and here and here in Noisey – because the 13-member rap collective are one of the freshest, most exciting teen phenomenons music has had for years. If you want a deep dive on their ascent and history, from always brilliant writer Craig Jenkins, look no further than the Vulture longread above. You won't regret it.

THIS NERDY PODCAST ABOUT ALL THE BEST/YOUR FAVE POP TRACKS

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Ever wondered why Ariana Grande's “Into You” is scientifically flawless? Ever thought about the musical architecture of Lorde? Or whether algorithms can write decent pop songs? This podcast – presented by musicologist Nate Sloan and songwriter Charlie Harding, alongside different guests – answers these questions and more in a way that's not boring.

THIS PITCHFORK PIECE ON HOW AUTO-TUNE REVOLUTIONISED POP FOREVER

The first paragraph of this longread will totally snap your attention. Continue reading for a well-researched, clearly-explained feature into exactly how Auto-tune emerged, and how it wormed its way into the sound pop music today.

THE REAL STORY OF XXXTENTACION, AS TOLD BY THE MIAMI NEW TIMES

The amount of XXXTentacion coverage following his death this year – both online and in the charts – was nothing short of exhausting / kind of depressing. This piece in the Miami New Times, though, is a full breakdown of exactly what happened, from his music and persona, to his long history of extreme violence and abuse.

CARDI B DOING ASMR

Because Christmas can be stressful and this will make you feel better.

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