A Guide to the Right-Wing Losers Who Suddenly Love Kanye West
Who are these MAGA people who are all suddenly Kanye stans?
Kanye West has picked up some new fans recently. Since the rapper’s return to Twitter, he’s courted a fanbase comprised of notable MAGA trolls and right-wing bottomfeeders who’ve become sudden admirers of his public demonstrations of free-thinking dragon energy, which kicked off on April 21 with a tweet praising Talking Points USA staffer Candace Owens. Ye even got a Twitter shoutout from King Troll himself, Donald Trump. This Kanye bandwagoning makes sense since, although Republicans currently hold a monopoly on political power in America, they have zero cultural power, unless you count the support of A-listers like James Woods, Three Doors Down, and Sylvester Stallone’s brother.
But with all these MAGA chuds jumping on the bandwagon at once, it can be easy to get them mixed up. So in case you are a Kanye West fan (or even Kanye West himself) and are wondering who these right-wing chucklefucks clamouring to hitch onto the most influential rapper of a generation are, here is Noisey’s handy guide to these dragon-energied, freethinking warriors.
America’s Most Gummy Boy™ Charlie Kirk is the 24-year-old founder of Turning Points USA (often stylised as TP USA which is funny because of toilet paper), an organisation seemingly dedicated to providing emotional support to college conservatives after they get owned to heaven for regurgitating the GOP’s jingoistic talking points on campus. Kirk’s former second-in-command at TP, Crystal Clanton, who Kirk once called, “the best hire we could have ever made” resigned shortly after reportedly sending another TP employee a text which read: “i hate black people. Like fuck them all . . . I hate blacks. End of story.”
TP USA has made headlines for being shady about where their donations are coming from, but the best news story about Kirk’s TP USA came last year when its members staged a free-speech protest by wearing diapers and sucking on pacifiers to point out what sensitive crybabies the libs are with their “safe spaces.” (Again, this is an organisation comprised of conservative students who are constantly whining about feeling persecuted by the “PC police.”)
Oh, and if Kanye is reading this: Charlie Kirk firmly believes that THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS AND IT’S JUST SCIENCE SO DEAL WITH IT BRO😎, and even wears a t-shirt/blazer combo to this effect, which could be the perfect conversation-starter at Thanksgiving if you have a family member – like, say, an extremely famous in-law – to whom transgender issues are personally important.
Another note for Kanye: When you search “Charlie Kirk” on Google, your name now comes up in the results right before “Charlie Kirk diaper.” Something to think about.
After TP USA’s “best hire” was let go following the release of text messages that would make a KKK wizard blush, Kirk went out and found an even better hire, if you can believe it. Candace Owens was brought on to the organisation in November of 2017 as “director of urban engagement” and, at her hiring announcement at a MAGA rally, she declared: “By the end of 2018 I’m going to be one of the most well-known people in this country because I am going to lead the black revolution for the conservative movement.” Which is probably true. The conservative movement generally loves people like Owens because she promotes their rhetoric which occasionally has strong white nationalist undertones but disguises it as black empowerment. She has said that black people enjoy self-victimisation, love playing the oppression card, and should get over slavery since it happened so long ago. She’s also said the neo-Nazi march in Charlottesville that killed three people wasn’t a big deal, called Colin Kaepernick a coward and a fraud, called Black Lives Matter “overly privileged,” and said that “police brutality is not an issue that is facing the black community whatsoever.” The MAGA poison seeped so deeply into her brain that she even thought Black Panther promoted a Pro-Trump message.
Owens posted a video in September entitled, “Dear Celebrities: NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!!!”, an all-caps position that flew out the window at the first opportunity she saw to hitch her wagon to a famous person who might actually talk to her, and her tune suddenly changed to this:
Weird Mike Cernovich
Army dropout turned online Men’s Rights Activist Mike Cernovich is the author of The Gorilla Mindset, a book about assertive ways for guys to walk or something. When he’s not filming videos about the power of Kanye’s dragon energy, he’s busy tweeting about how “diversity is code for white genocide” or making jokes about how Trayvon Martin “got got before he was able to rape anyone.” Mike also apparently believes that date rape does not exist, which is appropriate considering he was accused of raping a woman in 2003 but denied the allegations. The charge was later dropped and he did community service for misdemeanour battery instead.
Before he was a very respected author, Mike used to write advice columns for men, like “When in Doubt, Whip It Out,” an essay advocating for guys to jack off in front of women when they won’t have sex with you.
Oh, and even though Mike promotes the “gorilla mindset” and alpha male mentality, he got a seven-figure settlement from his successful wife when she divorced him (though he insists his book sales are his main source of income). He said that the marriage failed because it was “ruined by feminist indoctrination.”
In case you were wondering what kind of men are sad and desperate enough to follow a guy like Mike Cernovich, meet internet troll Jack Posobiec. Cernovich once put up $1,000 to anyone who interrupted a Shakespeare in the Park performance of “Julius Caesar,” believing it to be a negative depiction of Donald Trump, and Jack did it, standing up and calling everyone in the theatre Nazis until security removed him while everyone booed. Speaking of Nazis, Jack once called America’s favourite Nazi punching bag Richard Spencer “indispensable.” Here’s a photo of them hanging out in a bar, though Posobiec doesn’t drink since he once witnessed his buddy get arrested for quoting Star Wars at a state trooper after an Oasis concert. He got so mad about a theatre holding a female-only screening of Wonder Woman that Carson Daly made fun of him on The Today Show, prompting Jack to file a Civil Rights complaint against Daly and the theater.
Posobiec peddled an unfounded conspiracy theory about a DC pizzeria housing a Satanic pedophilia ring orchestrated by Hillary Clinton’s employees. Eventually, a 28-year-old man pulled some Travis Bickle fantasy cosplay and fired three rounds with an AR-15 inside the place. That guy is doing four years in prison but Jack continues to freely push conspiracy theories like the one about Seth Rich, which Fox News even distanced themselves from, to his army of Twitter users with usernames like @DeplorableJedi12456280. He also doxxed a woman who accused Roy Moore of sexually assaulting her when she was 14 years old, posting her workplace along with a photo of her online.
Speaking of pizza, when Papa John’s became the pizza chain loved by the alt-right after the company’s CEO criticised NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem, Posobiec used them to cater the rehearsal dinner for his wedding. But, surprisingly, the marriage built on this rock-solid foundation of mozzarella ran into some troubles when Posobiec got himself into some hot marinara two months later when a woman noticed he was on the dating app Bumble. Posobiec claimed this was someone posing as him, even though Bumble confirmed the account was linked to his Facebook and banned him. After the scandal broke, he trotted out his pregnant wife on Periscope to tell the world what he got her for Christmas.
That Dilbert Nerd
Like a true dad, Kanye recently used his phone to take a video of his laptop playing a video from Scott Adams. So it’s worth asking: Who is this visionary mind that Kanye deemed insightful enough to do a phone inception to his millions of followers? Well, Scott Adams’ claim to fame is that he created the cartoon Dilbert in 1989. But, not content with his legacy to be relegated to a mere comic strip about how fax machines always jam up, Scott has had a productive post-Dilbert career of rambling into a webcam while drinking coffee. He claims to be a hypnotist and an expert in persuasion which, if true, would be helpful in burning his shirtless selfies out of everyone’s brains.
While Kanye was taking videos of his laptop, it revealed that he had a tab open of a lecture by Canadian professor Jordan Peterson. Peterson is, for some reason, seen as some sort of genius scholar of the anti-PC movement. David Brooks even said he might be the “most influential public intellectual Western world right now.” And, like all noted brain geniuses, Peterson spends an inordinate amount of time dissecting Disney movies. So it’s unclear if Kanye was peeping Professor Peterson’s video about how Peter Pan was a loser or how Frozen was an “absolutely dismal and wretched movie.” Oh, and Peterson really likes Arcade Fire.
Infowars publisher and chief meltdown correspondent Alex Jones is a Mr. Potato Head wrapped in smoked bologna and stuffed with brain power pills. As a host, Jones seems perpetually stuck in one of two modes: crying or shirtless/screaming. Jones is like a sentient novelty car horn who is willing to jump on seemingly any internet rumour or conspiracy theory, which frequently results in him having to apologise or getting sued. He apologised for promoting Pizzagate and to Chobani for an Infowars headline claiming the yogurt company was “importing migrant rapists.” He’s currently being sued by the parents of victims in the Sandy Hook shooting for saying the entire thing was “completely fake” and a “giant hoax,” as well as a man whom he misidentified as the gunman in the Parkland shooting. He’s a transphobic, “emotionally disturbed” man (according to his ex-wife) who will probably live forever. Oh, and also, his whole existence is performance art, according to his lawyer.
Paul Joseph Watson is one of Alex Jones’ Infowars underlings who fills in for him when Jones has an upset tummy from trying to eat an entire bison the night before or whatever. When he’s not slinging brain pills for Infowars, Paul has his own YouTube channel where he films himself in front of a world map in an attempt to answer the question: What would Carmen Sandiego have been like if she was terrified of the Middle East and constantly looked like she was trying to French kiss you?
Apparent Kanye texter Anthony Scaramucci was so bad at being White House Communications Director that he lasted only ten days before getting fired for informing the world that Steve Bannon does in fact suck his own cock. This smooth-talking baller is the walking embodiment of the phrase, “Fuck it, let’s just do it and be legends.” He currently runs a website called The Scaramucci Post that polls readers on how many Jews died in the Holocaust.
Steven Crowder is what would happen if Dane Cook got his material from Breitbart’s comments section. He hosts a podcast called Louder with Crowder and, along with his producer Not Gay Jared, the failed comedian turned shock jock host makes painfully unfunny, tone-deaf jokes about hot-button issues designed to provoke people and then makes a “who me?” face when people get mad, like when he said he doesn’t like seeing “fat chicks” in Sports Illustrated or that feminism is destroying the Boy Scouts.
His biggest comedic target is the transgender community, as he constantly makes jokes along the lines of “I identify as a dishwasher and demand you all use my dishwasher pronouns!” He also seems to get off on cross-dressing in the name of comedy. Earlier this year YouTube removed a video where one of his underlings crashed a SXSW panel about gender nonconformity and he blamed this on censorship by social justice leftists.
Before his illustrious podcasting career, Steven Crowder worked for Fox News where he wrote a column advocating abstinence until he was fired after making fun of Sean Hannity. Once more, Steven Crowder worked for Fox News where he wrote a column advocating abstinence until he was fired after making fun of Sean Hannity.
You might be wondering: How has a guy whose schtick revolves around harassing people based on their gender, race, and religion not been punched in the face yet? He has! A photo of him getting cold-cocked in the mouth has become a popular meme, as has this photo:
Remember hip-hop expert Bill O’Reilly? It turns out he’s still alive and the disgraced Fox News host recently wrote a lil column about how Kanye West’s free thinking was under attack by American Stalinists. Unfortunately it largely was sent out into the internet void since Bill lost his massive platform when he was fired from Fox News after they had to help him settle several multi-million-dollar sexual harassment lawsuits. O’Reilly is now just like every other irate retiree who used to watch his TV show, puttering around his house in a bathrobe, making calls to his kids that go straight to voicemail.
Donald Trump Jr.
This is the President’s oldest, most chinless failson. Despite being born into obscene wealth and having a father who is the president of fucking earth, he still manages to waste so much time making fun of people for being too PC online that his wife recently left him. After graduating from college, he took some time to really find himself and worked as a bartender in Aspen, Colorado, but was eventually arrested for public drunkenness at a Mardi Gras celebration. After his half-day in the clink, DoJu fell ass-backwards into a job in his family’s perpetually bankrupt, lawsuit-ridden business where he puts on suits and acts like a big boy in his big boy office. Speaking of which, he also hunts elephants to make himself feel strong since his deadlifts suck ass. He probably stands the highest chance of accidentally causing his father’s entire legacy to go up in flames because of a DM.
This guy made a deal with the devil to be the most famous man in the world but the catch was that he had to live with worms in his brain for the rest of his life. It worked, but now the worms have eaten all the way to his cerebral cortex and taken over. President Worm Brain is now incapable of holding a thought in his head for longer than half a second or talking about anything that isn’t overtly racist or related to how he “could have totally had Cheryl Tiegs in the 80s, believe me.”
This article originally appeared on Noisey US.