We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 24
Every month, the Noisey staff does something we immediately regret: ask the world to send us your stuff to review. Then, we sift through a lot of crap (seriously, there's so much crap, and we're pretty sure that we've actually been sent photos of real shit before), find some of our favourites, and rip through as many jokes as possible in a Google Doc, laughing way too much at things that aren't really that funny at all. This month, our judges are Noisey's new social editor Dessie Jackson, editor Colin Joyce, and Editor-in-Chief Eric Sundermann. So, here we go. Happy Halloween!
Colin: Wow, what a sick watch. At least an 8/10 for that alone. Side note, ever live with a child who is bad at an instrument? I’m pretty sure hell is going to be full of fifth graders learning baritone sax.
Eric: You look like a cool guy in a loose mood.
Dessie: Awww. You and your cello look related! (Does anyone else see it????) You look like I would want to be your science-class partner. I trust you.
Colin: I am somehow not shocked that a man calling himself “dildo” on the internet is vaping through his nose. That said, children, please do not give yourself popcorn lung by doing funny vape tricks. Emphysema is a much nobler death.
Eric: Juuls, like all vapes, are stupid as shit, even if that crackling sound it makes is extremely satisfying. Be an adult and smoke a cigarette, damnit.
Dessie: Did you take this during your break at GameStop, @Dildo? Obviously (or maybe not obviously?) julz are bad and make you look dumb regardless of where you are inhaling from. But I will give it to ya, you did inspire me to google “Does smoking through your nose prevent a sore throat?” no official results as of yet, so maybe you can lmk?
Colin: Come on you can’t tease me like this! Now I gotta see it! Anyone out there, please send me any and all pictures of your poop. My Twitter handle is @OrrinHatch, and I love blurry, vertical photos of wet human shit.
Eric: How is this only the third thing I’m reviewing and it’s somehow a discussion of human shit? Why are our readers like this?
Dessie: 0/10. No follow through.
Colin: To be honest since like July of 2017, I’ve been obsessing about “Best of the Decade” lists because I’m a huge nerd. Channel Orange is like, real good, but it’s not getting near that list in my book considering that Frank put out two albums better than it in 2016. But this isn’t my area of expertise frankly, maybe I’m a fool? I’ll
Eric: Colin, saying that Channel Orange doesn’t deserve to be near the best of the decade list because it’s not as good as Endless or Blonde is like saying apple pie doesn’t deserve to be on the dessert menu because it’s not chocolate cake. That makes no sense! They’re all good as shit!
Colin: Apple pie is way better than chocolate cake honestly.
Dessie: I love dessert and I love Frank Ocean. 10/10
Colin: Actually, I think this might be the best album of the decade now that I think about it.
Eric: Shout out to “Sicko Mode” for helping aux cord DJs (like myself) seem way more talented than they actually are since its release. Anyway, this drummer is sick (heh) and someone should hire him.
Dessie: Who’s got a Travis email? Travis Scott? Travis Barker?
Colin: Wow this new Baroness track sounds really weird.
Eric: This song is desperately bad, but I’m gonna let it slide because of my Halloween spirit.
Dessie: This guy definitely fucks pumpkins and sounds like a can of Amp energy.
Colin: I don’t know why my zealous youth pastor tried to say Halloween was for sinners cause so much devotional art is spooky as shit. I’d like this as a framed poster please.
Dessie: Lots of drama happening in this piece. I appreciate the narcissism of headless man far right.
Eric: Man, what?
Colin: “Yo I think those two hits might have been bunk, we should take the rest.”
Eric: Isabella, let me please introduce you to this very good band I know called the Grateful Dead.
Dessie: I really like your piece. The subject invites the viewer in and leaves us to explore the v funky dollhouse environment. I really appreciate your attention to detail in the way you describe the varying textures. I went to art school!!!!!!
Colin: A moving meditation on the heaviness of trying to be alive...and also just a masterful pronunciation of “piss” the second funniest swear word, right behind bastard. Not quite as good as all the rip-off Nujabes beats that autoplayed after though.
Eric: I don’t know, man. I’m not trying to think too hard about this. I would encourage you to keep rapping because there is something there, but you gotta remember that sometimes you don’t have to be all that deep.
Dessie: going off of not getting too deep... I like “diddly.”
Colin: You can’t fool me! Dogs can’t type. Though one time my cat sent my former roommate’s professor an email, so maybe I’m wrong.
Eric: Well, Colin, this photo was clearly taken with a phone!
Dessie: Yeah, an Android.
Colin: Hm, I think I missed out on this phenomenon, but I’m gathering it’s sorta “The Sweater Song,” for people sporting burn scars from hair straighteners? This would almost make more sense now, in a world where Mad Decent is putting out songs like this.
Eric: This is from 2007 apparently? I guess I should think of something a bit more insightful to say but honestly this just flat out sucks.
Dessie: Ok, whatever, I’ll bite. I will always lord out for the good ole (and completely cringe worthy) Myspace days. This was 100 percent in my Myspace song rotation following the acts of HelloGoodbye, the Millionaires, Uffie, and the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. &heart; &heart; &heart;
Dessie: Also, this is so bad.
Colin: See, I just don’t get how this could be possible when the world is in fact stacked on a box of turtles.
Dessie: Take that flat-earthers!!!! The proof is in the pudding!!!!!
Eric: Now I’m on the Wikipedia page for Easter Island.
Colin: You sound so much like the Jesus and Mary Chain that I bet you know what Bill Murray says at the end of Lost in Translation.
Eric: I don’t think I can sum it up any better than Colin just did.
Dessie: I do like it though.
Colin: Wow, yeah you might actually be right. It’s not just that it’s upsettingly misogynistic in a really specific and sick way, it’s also really off-key and shitty sounding too. Worst of both worlds!
Dessie: Mia Khalifa needs to be issued a formal apology.
Eric: This shit is a perfect example of garbage talent trying to jump on genuine trends to make some sort of impact. Rainbow hair? Check! Cool bandana to make you seem mysterious? Check! Painfully corny? Check!
Colin: Are we sure he wasn’t just dressed as J Mascis for Halloween?
Dessie: A squishy grape!
Eric: Don’t show this photo to PUSHA-T.
Colin: This one was technically late, but I will always have time for...Sonic...curry? This raises so many questions. Are people actually eating this? Is the implication that it’s made of hedgehog? Are there echidna variants too? How do Tails and Amy feel about all of this? How does this play into all of the erotic fan art I’ve seen? Is this a vore thing? Actually nevermind, it’s definitely just a vore thing.
Eric: I was talking about how badass Sonic was with some friends earlier this week. He really is one of the most underrated video game characters. Man, Sonic. What a cool guy. The best!
Dessie: I see a nice basmati rice dish with a blue gel reduction.
Colin: Beautiful. The true American dream. Also, I am absolutely terrified of this man. Greater than 50 percent chance there’s a body in that hatchback.
Eric: I wonder what this guy thinks of A Star Is Born.
Dessie: Imagine being boring and responsible enough to own a Subaru hatchback, but also drinking 26 four lokos. I’m impressed.
Colin: Pretty fucked up how no one in this band is allowed to shave or smile. But if we’re talking music, I think the problem is you’re all just a hair too good at your instruments. Here’s an idea, everyone rotate one to the left. Guitar person, you play drums now. Drummer, you’re on bass now. Bassist, you sing. Singer, sorry, you’re out, that’s how musical chairs works! Congrats everyone else, now your songs sound a little shittier. That’s a good thing, don’t worry.
Eric: You may think Colin’s joking here, but he does often say that music should be “more annoying,” and I think that’s something you should think about here. Give it some life.
Dessie: Cool doodles.
Colin: Yeah, we’re a Sonic fan site. Get it straight.
Eric: SONIC FOR LIFE.
Dessie: Well. OK.
This article originally appeared on Noisey US.