Kyla La Grange Won't Shag Bank Of England Governor Mark Carney

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Kyla La Grange

Gavin: Hi, Kyla… So, what can you tell me?

Kyla: Uh, I can tell you that I’ve just had a really bad virus.

Ok, if that’s the best thing you’ve got, let’s work with that. What sort of a virus?

Flu.

That’s a pretty standard virus.

Well actually it went into my eyes. I didn’t know you could get a flu and then it goes into your eyes.

Eye flu?

Well it was normal flu and then it went into the eyes.

I’m struggling to imagine what that looks like.

It looks like conjunctivitis. Cos I think that’s what it is. It comes from rubbing your eyes.

That’s probably bad hygiene on your part.

I think I just have itchy eyes. Maybe I’ve had eye-flu all these years and haven’t known about it.

A bit like having a conjoined foetus embryonic twin inside you that you only learn about when you can’t have kids because it has choked your ovaries?

Maybe.

Would you like to talk about the situation in the Ukraine?

Maybe, I mean, I can’t really speak with much authority on it, but I know it’s very sad.

Is it very sad? Personally I’ve blanked it out because I’ve been doing a lot - I mean, a lot - of online shopping this week. So what’s happening? Is it weird?

Well I know a lot of protesters are being killed. It all started because the President of the Ukraine took a big amount of money from Russia to cosy-up to Russia and not go ahead with joining the EU. So people are protesting about that. But he’s also just a bit of a dictator, and there aren’t many democratic freedoms, and the police are very heavy-handed. So they’re angry about that too.

Jesus. You seem to know an alarming amount about the situation in the Ukraine.

Not nearly enough. I’m worried now because I think now if you write all of this down, people are going to go: “No, hang on, that’s not right…”.

What do you think the solution is?

I’m not sure there is a solution.

Ok. So you resist easy answers to the situation in the Ukraine?

Do I? Yes. Most definitely. I don’t think there is an easy answer.

But wouldn’t it be best if everyone just sat down and had a cup of tea and talked about their feelings?

Definitely.

But you don’t think that’s going to happen?

No.

Do you like making cups of tea and talking about your feelings?

I’ve actually got a cup of tea with me right now.

Do you have many feelings?

I’ve got maybe three and a half.

What are they?

Joy, sadness, anger, and I think the half a one is when I feel embarrassed or socially retarded.

So it’s not really a feeling so much as the inability to put one of the other feelings into gear.

You sound like you know a lot about this.

Yeah, I think Freud said something about there only being three feelings and the fourth being the neutral gear on the other three. Are you OK with your anger? You don’t try and sublimate it, do you? Cos that can be a problem.

Uhm. Yeah, I think so. I’ve only ever been properly angry once. Properly out of control angry.

What happened?

This guy in Rome was trying to make my friend buy a bracelet. And they were demanding she give them ten euros. They were being really aggressive so I hit him. I was trying to be heroic,. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but then he hit me back and pushed me on the ground and kicked me. My friend said I turned the colour of beetroot.

But do you think Scotland should be allowed to keep the pound?

Well I read a really good article the other day saying that if you are left wing and live in the UK, then you should want Scotland to stay, because they sway our parliament to the left, and otherwise we’d have perpetual Tory governments. So for that selfish reason I’d like them to stay. Sorry, I’m basically regurgitating what they said in this article because I don’t have anything original to add myself.

You seem very well-informed for a popstar, Kyla. Do you read a lot of articles you can then regurgitate in anticipation of people asking you general questions about current affairs?

I just spend a lot of time reading in general. Especially the news. I can’t really start the day without knowing what’s happening.

Well I guess it’s as good a hobby as any. But my question was: do you think Scotland should be allowed to keep the Pound?

Oh, was that the question? Sorry, I was just shaping the question to the opinion I could give, like a politician on Newsnight. So are they allowed to keep the pound? Is that the question?

Well basically the Governor of The Bank Of England Mark Carney has already come out and said they can’t.

This is one I don’t know. I have absolutely no idea.

Ok, we’ll try one more at your level. Do you think Mark Carney is sexy?

I don’t know what he looks like. It’s not a very sexy name. How do you spell that? I’ll google a picture of him.

C-a-r-n-ey. Carney - as in ‘pikeys who work on fairgrounds’.

Hang on, I’ve got a picture of him. No. Definitely not.

No!? I think you’ll find he’s quite a chiselled Adonis in the world of reserve bank chairs.

But I like messy men who look like they just got out of bed. He doesn’t look like he just got out of bed.

Well what about Fed governor Ben Bernanke? Would you shag him? Google that.

Hang on. Oh, he looks like a sort of friendly Santa Claus. No. It would be like having sex with Santa Claus.

Have you ever been to a pop-up shop, Kyla?

Uhm, I walked past one in Soho recently that was selling food. But I didn’t go in.

Did you think about going-in?

No because I’m a vegetarian and it was selling chicken.

Did it look nice?

I can’t really remember. I think it was painted white outside. Which was a bit boring. But I might be wrong though. I might have made that up. It might not even have been Soho, actually. It might not even have been chicken?

Is this what paedophilia investigators would call False Memory Syndrome?

I did get a free cake in Soho the other day.

What kind of cake?

Red velvet cake.

From where?

These Christian guys were handing them out on the side of the road.

Isn’t this like where you have to go to the timeshare hard-sell seminar at the end of the “free” weekend you “won” at the time share resort?

No, this was totally free. They were handing it out to all kinds of people: Muslims, Jews, me, it didn’t matter. They were just happy to spread cake.

Do you think Jesus would’ve wanted cakes to go to Jews?

I think he was happy for cakes to go everywhere.

Well the Jews did crucify him. That’s gotta be a bit of a pisser. What other types of cake do you like?

Well I don’t like chocolate. I love carrot cake. Carrot cake is my second favourite. And - this is interesting, right - I used to hate lemon cake and all citrus cakes. But last year, I had some lemon cake for the first time in years, and I really really liked it!

Well that anecdote was a lot more interesting in the final furlong than it promised to be at the start. Are most of your anecdotes like that?

The opposite, actually. I think I’ve got a lot of promise but I never deliver.

I’m not your A&R man, but I do suspect that is probably written on your sales graph down at Sony HQ in Kensington. Do you have to go down there for meetings and then they give you a dressing-down about your performance?

Only if I’ve been stealing cakes.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes

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