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The Noisey Guide to Getting Smashed at The Brit Awards

When a performer attempts to mash-up two songs in the name of inventiveness? Two shots of a spirit of your choice. When Rihanna doesn’t turn up? Finish your drink and die inside.

Ah, the Brit Awards. A patriotic celebration of the best and brightest musical talent these rainy isles have to offer, which is apparently Jack Garratt. Inexplicably, the one night of the calendar year dedicated to rewarding British talent always ends up being a sheepish shitshow whereby a young male with a hat and no personality sweeps all the big gongs, and the best performances come courtesy of the international artists who graciously deign to show up.

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In that sense, the Brits is probably a very accurate representation of Britain: a small fish trying to pretend it has the grace and gravitas of its American counterparts, and in doing so, accidentally forgetting about all the unique qualities that make it special.

But still, the ceremony remains a television carcrash that’s impossible to look away from. Who, in their heart of hearts, doesn’t get a kick from watching artists exchange awkward banter with Ant and Dec? Who isn’t secretly thrilled when an old school rocker, possessed by the spirit of Britpop past, shows up to demand where all the class A’s are or proclaim rock n’ roll isn’t dead? The Brits is a lovable old dog: yeah, it shits on the kitchen floor, but you have too much invested in it emotionally to administer the lethal injection just yet.

So in honour of the occasion, we present: Noisey’s Definitive Brit Awards Drinking Game. Please use it responsibly to erase all your memories of Justin Bieber hitting on Adele.​

  • Every time a winner claims they are "Shocked!" – three fingers of your drink.

  • Ant or Dec reads out Jamie xx as "Jamie… kiss kiss?" – talk in a Geordie accent for the rest of the night.

  • The ceremony opens with a sketch so terrible it wouldn't even have made it onto Mirandapour a shot on the ground in memory of Cat Deeley straddling a giant champagne bottle.

  • Justin Bieber makes prayer hands and looks skywards – every player must also make prayer hands. The last person to do this has two shots of a spirit of their choice and is also going to hell.

  • Every time Adele is mentioned – one shot of Glen's Vodka, the most basic of spirit drinks.

  • Every time the camera pans to Taylor Swift overcompensating for someone else's win or sexy dancing to someone else's performance – one shot of the spirit of your choice.

  • Every time James Bay’s trilby bobs onto the screen – every player must yell “JEMBLE”. Those that fail to do this must drink three fingers.

  • For every category that contains all-white nominees – each player must pour anything they like into a bucket in the centre of the room. More on this later.

  • Whenever an American artist stares blankly into the abyss after Ant or Dec crack a joke – one shot of the spirit of your choice.

  • If any player during the ceremony asks a variation of the question, "Wait, who is that?" – drink the bucket.

  • When there is an obviously lip synced performance – mutter "fraud" and drink two fingers.

  • A pasty rock band makes a feeble anti-establishment gesture, seemingly forgetting their presence at a corporate event sponsored by a credit card company – two fingers of your drink. If it's Catfish and The Bottlemen, also have one shot of a spirit of your choice.

  • The camera finds Craig David in the audience and he is sitting at a table with twelve of the most beautiful women you have ever seen, ten bottles of Dom Perignon on ice, and Big Narstie – one pint of Blossom Hill White Zinfandel.

  • Every time a winner gives a rambling and self-ingulgent speech about how long they have been waiting for this moment and how it might not mean much to some of the bigger acts, but it means a lot to them, and cries – the last player to shout "PALOMA" must have one shot of a spirit of their choice.

  • AD BREAK: no drinking – any offenders must surrender their phones and allow the other players to film them attempting to sing the chorus of Adele's "Hello". This must immediately posted on Twitter, with the caption "Hey everyone, really excited to see what you think! Bit nervous, go easy haha x x x"

  • Mark Ronson appears during a VT doing something staged with the general public on the streets outside The O2 – two fingers of your drink. If turns out to be a Mastercard advert, turn to the corn and chant a spiritual mantra of your choice.

  • When Rihanna doesn’t turn up – finish your drink and die inside.

  • When Rihanna turns up and plays "Work" for two hours, no awards are handed out, and the show is eventually cut off for the 10 o'clock news – who needs alcohol right now? You're dead. This is obviously heaven.

  • When Aphex Twin doesn't win best male solo – drink some water. This has been a long night.

  • When a performer attempts to mash-up two songs in the name of inventiveness – two shots of a spirit of your choice, one for each song.

  • When Chris Martin closes the show wearing Desigual at a piano, singing David Bowie's "Heroes" to a spray painted portrait of David Bowie – one shot to the head.

As always, Noisey will be liveblogging the whole event on Wednesday night. You can follow all our coverage of The Brit Awards 2016 right here.

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