The Noisey Guide To Sex Music

Music and sex go hand in hand. Without some sort of decibel-based entertainment, a would-be fuck meet can easily turn into an awkward five minutes of in ear groaning and snake eyes. I’ve ruined far too many potential sex sessions by walking down the complete wrong audio concourse. Vibes can easily be ruined, dates turning from DTF to fucking the fuck off, by putting on a disfigured track choice.

Obviously, things like “The Worlds Greatest” should be avoided like a girl with a bad case of vaginal thrush as should “Ignition”. In fact, R.Kelly should be banned from love-ins the world over.

We’ve compiled a sort of aural sex bank below, with artists for certain situations. We’ve got your (bare) back, sex pests.

Long Distance Love-Making

Long distance relationships blow. The only thing that makes the incessant phone calls, accusations of cheating and solo masturbation sessions worth it, is the big fuck fest that happens when you try to fit two weeks worth of no sex into two minutes. Obviously, it’ll all end in tears when you curl up in the foetal position and realise that she’s been banging her housemate all along, but whatever. Until that time comes, Frank Ocean has got your back as you duel in an R&B sex cuddle of semen and tears.

One Night Stand Boning

One-night stands are the ideal (only?!) time to get down and freaky with the sort of shit nasty shit that frequents . At the time you think it’s like a real-life porn flick, in reality it's all slurred words, vomit-burping and a half hour struggle to get your skinny jeans off . Not to mention the post-coitus wave of disgust and rejection AMIRITE GUYS?! But, if you are going to go that way though, you might as well go the full hog and whip your dick out to some 90s sex jams. She’s not going to remember it the next day, and if she does, you’ll have earned yourself the double-edged nickname “Big Poppa” for life.

Romantic Intimacy

Nothing screams romance more than The Cure and some lube. Seriously, Robert Smiths vocal chords ooze audio love spunk that speaks volumes to clit lips. Put on “Galore” and it’s like fucking in a time machine. Sure, you’ll (hopefully) have the quirky girl from art class riding your dick like it’s a one way ticket to Andy Warhol's factory, but the music will make you feel like you’re fucking in the days when your parents used to “make love”. Which is always nice.

Anger Fuelled Banging

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Love can also fucking SUCK. It’s all cute notes left under pillows and nights spent cuddling. But after one listless blowjob too many there’s bound to be some kind of sour bedroom argument. But, you know what they say - when life gives you lemons, sometimes you’ve just got to say fuck the lemons and have one fat boning session. Hardcore works best for selfish shags, it’s loud, it’s brash and it’s fucking angry, perfect for expelling some of that pent up love juice.

Drug Induced Shags

Drug sex is WAY better than drunken sex. Where alcohol has you both fumbling around in the dark, banging heads against each other, drugs allow appreciation of the Venus delta and it’s warm river of love. Get the music right and it’s like a one way ticket to The Big O-City. Think hazy, smoke influenced music, such as Tame Impala, and you’ll be able to look into each others red eye like never before.

Infidelity Based Intercourse

Being cheated on blows. The little fantasy love bubble that you built your future life upon pops into a waterfall of streaming tears. But, with that comes the knowledge that you can now fuck with whomever you want, which, OBVS, is a bonus. After years of delving into the same vagina walls the rest of the world is back open, and ready for you to fuck the pain away. There’s a lot to be learned from the teaches of peaches. Like, how to make a fruit based noun leak sex appeal despite looking like a NYC drag girl. Use it to your advantage. To me, this song just speaks dirty, under the radar infidelity. SO – please, if you’re being messed around by some skuzzy chick, make like Fleetwood Mac, go your own way, and transition that pain into some good old fucking.

Cougar Coitus

So, you’ve won the sexual lottery and bagged yourself a cougar. CONGRATS! There’s almost no way you can screw this one up. Since her husband started going away on business trips, she’s been gagging for a taste of some young peen and who’s going to give it to her? You, that’s who. As I said, she’s almost completely DTF and music isn’t really on her mind. She just wants some lovin’. So, put on the king of baby making – Marvin Gaye. It’ll remind her of the honeymoon suite and the moment she conceived AND as an added bonus, show her that you know some fucking good music beyond the shallow end of Gagnam Style. So, shrink up and enjoy some magnificent soul filled slow jams whilst simultaneously filling her up with the love she deserves.

Break Up Masturbation

Don’t worry mate, there’s plenty more fish in the sea. Till then, you’ve still got your hand.