Apparently You Need to Sign a "Love Contract" Before You Can Bang a Celebrity
Sources say Miley Cyrus forces men to interview with her assistant. So we decided to imagine what other contractual obligations you'll have to go through to fuck other famous people.
Usually when you hear the words "love contract" you think of the prenuptial agreement, the thing that so many Hollywood stars have neglected to take care of, only to find a golf-ball sized dent in their finances after they accidently booked into the same hotel room as one of their interns. But purveyor of pop music and dad boners Miley Cyrus has done a pretty baller-ass thing and gotten a contract in place not just before marriage, but before the poor saps even get a chance to talk to her.
According to a source close to the star, Cyrus forces the men to interview with her assistant, sign a non disclosure agreement, and leave any cameras and phones at home. Gifts, especially flowers, are a big no-no. To be honest, I think it’s a little unfair that Miley has to go through the rigmarole of all this just to bang some supermodel incase he emails pictures of her aunt bessie to TMZ while Jimmy Page was allowed to wantonly take young girls back to his wizard’s castle, but that’s the patriarchy for you.
Anyway, we thought "Hey, I wonder what other contractual obligations musicians have RE: getting to fuck them?" so we thought of some, wrote them down, and here we are.
The woman in question must love roses of all colours. She must not be allergic to flowers of any genus, and be prepared to wear any plant suitable for the ambience of the occasion. The woman in question must be willing to break up with Drake at any point, on demand or otherwise. Her phone must permanently be switched on so that texts can be received but she is under no circumstances allowed to answer said texts. She must have a patch of lawn in front of her bedroom window large enough for A) Drake to stand outside it with a boombox over his head, B) a string quartet (featuring vocal performance by Drake) and C) full orchestra and Cirque Du Soleil acrobats (featuring high wire trapeze performance by Drake). The woman in question must have a wild west style holster for Drakes iPhone.
She has to be art. Art has to be her. When Hedi Slimane walks into the room she must gather a pool of saliva in her mouth ready to be ejected onto the floor whenever he is out of sight. She must be prepared to be in the Listening Chamber™ for at least 14 hours per day. This entails being strapped into a detached Bugatti Veyron seat in the middle of a soundproof auditorium whilst Kanye speaks at length about whatever subject he chooses. He will not be in the room while this occurs. Sometimes it may be a pre recorded speech if touring restraints require. There will be surround sound. Kanye may ask the suitor to arrange every copy of American Vogue he owns (in excess of 1000) by order of how many times the letters ‘K’ and ‘W’ appear in it, in descending order from highest to lowest.
All applicants must be drawn from a pool of current or existing Great British Bake Off contestants. The woman will be required to bake a multitude of cakes and pastries including, but not limited to, victoria sponge, black forest gateaux, bon bons, meringues, apple crumble, peach cobbler, pecan danish, chocolate cake, eton mess, classic trifle, modern trifle, pear crumble, sponge danish, crumble cobbler, black forest eton gateaux crumble or at the very least have a Gregg's black card.
First thing's first: partner must be good at accents from the following regions: Detroit, Chicago, Brooklyn, Atlanta, Compton, Cleveland and any other town, city or region in which a rap scene has flourished. Potential partners must have no opinions on the following social issues: cultural appropriation, homophobia, racist impressions, the ‘White Australia policy’ and select others. The potential suitor must be OK with Ms. Azalea flitting nonchalantly between accents. They must also be available to watch old episodes of Tom and Jerry and a particular scene in the Disney film Dumbo.
Conversion to religion at any given moment is absolutely essential. Wardrobe should be kitted out with every traditional dress conceivable but this is not a requirement. These include but are not limited to: a yarmulka, a dashiki, shalwar kameez, Scientology branded handcuffs, a cardinal’s galero. Man must be into Weird Shit, the definition of which is down to Madonna on any given day. In the past this has included beef jerky bondage, nude Malawi safari, attempting to tame insects in a hyperbaric chamber for weeks on end and more. Madonna reserves the right to subject you to electroshock therapy in the middle of the night, which may prove fatal, depending on the weather. Do not under any circumstances deviate from Madonna's suggest diet. Diet may cause the following: emaciation, wiry hair, corpse-like appearance, actual death.
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