Spinning Arseholes: The Voice UK, Episode Six

The weekend just happened, which means the BBC were plying the televisions of the nation with a fresh conveyor belt of future cruise ship employees. This week was the penultimate round of The Voice’s first audition stage, the point when, we’re told, the judge’s teams are “nearly at capacity”, which the judges spoke about in the limited vocabulary of a limp-dicked teen about to spaff their load. The catchphrase of the night was basically "I want you but I'm, uhhhhhhhh, nearly there, all full up, can't take any moooooooooooore".

This week The Voice editors, clearly as bored with the format as we are, took to pairing up auditionees based on their, for want of a better word, USP. So basically someone who's shit at being a thing followed by someone who is marginally better at it - sort of like going to Nando's to pallate clean a greasy box of PFC. So, without further ado, here’s a recap of The Voice, Week Six, (featuring Kylie Minogue The World Famous Pop Star That Played In Our Pub Last Week).

John Rafferty and Talia Smith

The first pair to face the wildly reductive pigeonholing are John Rafferty and Talia Smith. They both like country music, and therefore are forbidden to have any other personality traits aside from their penchant for Stetsons and Dolly Parton. Tubby funster John wins the prize for Most In The Spirit Of The Show Moment of the Series when he reveals that he had to stop his fledgling career as a Garth Brooks impersonator because he got too fat to be convincing. Personally I think he could have gone on, burping and slobbering his way through "Ain't Going Down (till my buns pop up)" as Grease Brooks, the UK's most cholesterolic Garth Brooks tribue act - but each to their own. Talia, meanwhile, professes that her love of the genre runs as deep as loving “tassel boots and a country shirt”. She puts on a completely ridiculous Southern belle accent despite coming from London and gets the nod from Tom, while John gets sent home without so much as a Greggs chicken bake to console him.

Bizzi Dixon

If there’s one thing guaranteed to get you the thumbs up on a reality TV singing show, it’s taking a song and singing it in a different style. Even if someone came on and did a sexed-up, slow jamz version of a Good Charlotte track you can be sure that they’d be praised for “really making it their own”. Bizzi, who I believe is a chain of Italian resturants, does Kings of Leon career nadir “Use Somebody”, but like, in a totally soulful way and everyone bleats out the requisite clichés about how unexpected and different it was, which is kind of ironic now because fucking with the tempo of a track is pretty much about the most expected thing you can do on The Voice. Bizzi went through, while his brother Shenton also auditioned but no-one cared.

Callum Crowley

Callum does a sultry version of Usher’s falsetto-loving bedroom romp “Climax” and actually sounds quite like Usher, which is no terrible thing. Shame he looks like he fell through a BAPE outlet store backwards. Callum will get reasonably far but he won’t win. This is because middle-aged housewives that actually spend money voting on The Voice don’t like boys with interesting haircuts and unknown sexual orientation singing songs about shagging.

Amrick Channa

Following a pair of interminable shits from stage school and two people that’ve been seeminly lumped together because they’re both overweight and a bit weird-looking, we get Amrick - a practicing and devout Sikh, who also likes the glitzier things in life. He got a segment to himself. You’ve got to admire his balls, because I imagine it takes a fair amount of nerve to rock up to the gurdwara wearing a rhinestone belt. However, Amrick unfortunately also has the voice of an obese, 45-year-old woman which isn’t really a selling point. Also, god love Mama Channa for enthusiastically informing Kylie that her son is single and barking so far up the wrong tree she’s unwittingly in a different country.

Jazz Bates-Chambers

Much as we loved Winehouse (RIP), she is almost solely to blame for the influx of people doing that kind of yowling vocal that sounds as though the tube between your nose and throat has gone wrong. Jazz is pretty decent, but the main things to point out here are the fact that she has an extra hairstyle stuck on top of her main hairstyle and that she actually says the phrase “I love nail varnish”.

Amelia O’Connell

And so to the final contestant AKA the climax of the show who we’re supposed to pay the most attention to. Amelia O’Connell is only 16, a fact that will inevitably be repeated ad infinitum as though she’s some child prodigy despite fucking loads of massive pop stars being significantly younger when they started. She sails through, with Tom telling her that she should concentrate on singing and not bother with other things like school. IN YOUR FACE, EDUCATION.

They save the biggest moment of the episode for last, when a preview clip of next week shows will.i.am in tears, thus disproving the rumour that he is in fact 83% made of computer software. I for one literally cannot wait for the thrills and spills that next Saturday will bring. Can. Not. Wait.

Follow Lisa on Twitter: @LisaAnneWright

Read more Spinning Arseholes:

Why No One Is Going To Win The Voice This Year