Cooly G Thinks all the Hairy Women Should Fuck Off

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Cooly G.

Gavin: Hi Cooly G. So what’s new?

Cooly G: What IS new? Right now I’m getting a little view of my latest Boiler Room set and I’m gassed up cos it was a good night, but they ain’t uploaded it yet.

Why not?

I dunno. I been waiting a month now.

So it’s a problem with their server?

It’s just like, they’re taking long over it.

Boiler Room's office is upstairs from me. Are they a shambles?

They’re normally good.

Have you thought of lodging an official complaint?

I was thinking of actually cussing them on Twitter.

Does that normally work?

Yeah. When I have complaints against Sainsbury’s or Virgin Trains, I tweet them with so much anger and that normally sorts things.

How much anger is so much anger?

Like cussing them out, calling them shitheads.

Oh dear. What was the problem with Virgin?

Well, I always travel on first class. And one day my children were travelling down from Manchester with my brother, but they weren’t offered no water or food, they wouldn’t offer the baby no milk. So I went to the station to complain and they gave me some form to fill in, but it’s just long isn’t it. Cos you’re paying so much money to travel first class and then they don’t provide a proper service.

Sorry, sorry… you always travel first class?

Yeah, because it’s more comfortable. It’s quieter. And you get food. I was on the standard class one time and I nearly collapsed in there. I dunno I felt sick man. Too packed.

And frankly the quality of people is very low too. They’re quite proley.

Yeah.. a little bit.

You can’t be dealing with that if you’re trying to stay in your artistic zone.

Basically some girl was sitting next to me and she took her shoes off, and her feet was just out. There was a baby crying. It’s uncouth man. I just like to be chilling.

Well one can certainly chill in first class. But is one rich?

Well no.

Ok, so what percentage of your weekly income goes on train tickets?

I don’t really go a lot, but it's not that bad for what you get. It’s only a couple hundred quid.

‘Only’ a couple hundred quid?

Yeah. Or £109 or something like that.

Is that considered ‘quite good’ in the sorts of circles you move in?

I think it’s quite good actually.

Do you have a nice house? A lot of Fabergé Eggs on the mantles?

I’ve got a cool house. My bedroom is completely white. My son’s bedroom is like a Lego bedroom. My front room is just a messy studio.

You’ve got three rooms! You must be rich. Where’s all this money coming from?

Dunno. I really don’t know…

I mean, it can’t be coming from your music, can it?

Haha. For sure.

Cooly G, Stylo G, Warren G and Kenny G. Why do you think so many artists have chosen to put the letter G after their names?

It’s annoying. I don’t know. I wish I wasn’t Cooly G. That name came from the streets, then by the time Hyperdub signed me it was too late to change.

It came from the streets?

Yeah.

What would you like to be called?

I don’t wanna tell you cos it probably sounds stupid anyway.

Wanda LaSparkle?

No. Not that.

Brian Jones?

No if I was a bit butch maybe that would work but I’m not.

You have two kids.

Yeah.

Let's talk about the miracle of birth. What’s that one like?

It is, like, oh my days amazing. Even the pain was dramatic, but you still feel like "something’s coming out". The first time around I wouldn’t let my mum hold the baby cos she had long nails. That’s how freaked I was. When people say the pain literally stops when the baby comes out, it really does. You go through trauma, and then it totally goes away.

How hard would I have to hit the end of my penis with a mallet in order to recreate that sort of pain?

You would need to make someone else with big muscles hit you.

I think you grossly underestimate the sensitivity of my penis.

It’s like, shit man, you can actually feel that shit fucking up. Oh my god. I don’t know how to describe it. But at the same time you know there’s a baby coming out.

Yes. I mean it would be unfortunate if you went through all of that and a bowling ball came out at the end.

Ha. Oh my god, I think you should have a TV show or something. Cos you’re funny.

That would, unfortunately, depend on someone reading this. So… BBC Three - do you think it’s shit?

No, I think’s it’s good… then again it’s shit, actually.

It’s good but shit? I think that’s a lot of peoples’ opinion actually.

I don’t watch TV no more, I swear. In the night time, when I go to bed, I’m watching Luther, but I don’t watch a lot of TV since I started making my new album.

So you don’t think the closure of BBC Three matters?

No it is a bit of a pisstake because I swear they do the repeats of Eastenders in the evening, innit.

They do. And back-to-back Family Guy too. I mean, they have a show called Fuck Off I’m A Hairy Woman: is that the sort of programming you’d be into?

I never knew that was a programme. I wouldn’t watch that. I’ve never even watched Family Guy before.

Do you think hairy women should fuck off, or do you think they should just find a quiet corner, grab an Epilady and do the necessary?

I think they should just fuck off. That sounds hairy-ish and scary-ish, and… ugh.

What advice would you give to hairy women out there re: hair?

They should just go to Covent Garden and get a wax shouldn’t they.

Is "going to Covent Garden" what modern women do? Sounds like code for something.

Well women I know do that, yeah. I do that.

You do seem to live a very executive-class life for someone with one and a half albums on Hyperdub.

Not at all. It’s just cos a friend introduced me to this place down there and I know them. I didn’t go out there cos yah I want to go to Covent Garden. I don’t actually like it down there that much. Actually I live in Surrey area, it’s very far.

Is Surrey very Hyperdub nowadays? What town?

I don’t tell people where I live, I just call it "the Surrey area". I don’t want people to know what I’m doing.

Is it nice?

Yeah. Bigger house. Bit more quieter. The nature. No noise. Better schools.

It’s all about the catchment area with you underground artists, isn’t it? Right, Cooly, can I possibly ask you a very personal question?

Oh my days… are you gonna diss me again?

Not at all.

Ok then…

If you shot a cow with a bazooka, would it be more funny or more tragic?

Oh my god it would be overly tragic. No that’s wrong. I don’t want to think about it.

You can do it in Cambodia apparently: it’s a tourist attraction. You pay them a thousand dollars and they take you out to a field and you can shoot a cow with a bazooka.

Well, that’s sick. No. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I did that. I’d be having nightmares.

Do you still play semi-pro football?

Not so much anymore. I’m mostly training for fitness now.

Well could you tell our no doubt salivating male readers what it’s like in the girls’ locker room after a game? Is it all like mega-bants and slapping each other with wet towels? Or is it all like talking about Lena Dunham and shopping and feelings and that?

To be honest with you most of them were just girlfriend and girlfriend, so they were chatting that girlfriend and girlfriend shit, and I’d just be on the outside you know. Just had to get on with it.

Cos I mean, you’ve got two kids, so you’ve had sex with a man at least twice, I’m guessing?

Yeah.

But in general all the lady footballer stereotypes are true then, is that what you’re saying?

Hahaha. I need to know who you are. Do you live in London?

Er… I suppose so. Yes. Sometimes. Maybe. Why?

I need to meet you.

What and wring my neck?

Hell no. Just to fucking laugh.

Well if you want to laugh, you’ll have to go through the official channels, I’m afraid.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @GavHaynes

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