Tits That Spew Blood, Eating French People - Yes, GWAR are Back.
Introducing their two newest members Blothar and Vulvatron
Fans of the cult metal collective will understand that this is norm, but if it’s your first encounter with them, then meet GWAR: the most offensive, grotesque and entertaining band in America, now celebrating thirty years of destruction. They will tickle your Freudian urge to die, toy with your subconscious fantasy to be eaten, and generally champion the immersive joy of cosplay.
These last few months have seen the Richmond band make the headlines for a few reasons. Last week, for instance, drummer Jizmak Da Gusha revealed plans to murder Dave Grohl, but the biggest revelation of the summer has been their introduction of new faces. The first, Blothar, is a wide-framed, ill-tempered space Viking who has assumed the vacant leadership role. The second, Vulvatron, a fiery Valkyrie from the future who mates rampantly, shoots blood from her boobs and, as a slayer of skinheads and bastion of equality, has become the thinking gore fan's feminist alternative to Emma Watson.
In an interview with both of them, in which they fervently stay in their gnarliest of characters, I asked where they had come from and why...
Noisey: Sorry I’m late.
Vulvatron: Typical of humans.
Blothar: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
I ended up on the wrong conference line. How are you?
Blothar: Oh yea! Wrong conference! Bull shit!
Vulvatron: We’re doing fine. We’ve just finished our morning dose of crack, and now I’m sitting in a hot tub with a bunch of hookers.
Brilliant. This year marks 30 years of GWAR. Is it hard to stay relevant?
Vulvatron: GWAR is relevant throughout all time and space. It’s humans that must stay relevant to GWAR.
Blothar: Absolutely correct. Humans have never been relevant to GWAR. If anything, the world seems to be catching up with GWAR. We used to be the only ones doing beheadings, and now it feels like everyone is getting in on the act.
Blothar, you’re the new leader of Gwar. Where did you come from?
Blothar: I come from Scumdoggia. I was a friend - a spiritual leader if you will - to the other members of GWAR, before they were banished to the planet Earth. GWAR were the true ancient aliens, creating all of human civilisation. I hung around with them on earth for a while. Back then, we had a good time, but things got hairy and I had to split. I don’t know what happened to them. Apparently they got frozen. Meanwhile, I continued about my business. Next thing I know, here I am, on planet Earth singing for this stupid rock band.
Was it hard to be their leader again?
Blothar: It’s never hard. It’s always flaccid. Does that answer your question?
I suppose it does. Vulvatron, where did you come from?
Vulvatron: I am from the year 69000. I manipulated the space-time continuum to transported myself back in time to relay a very important message to GWAR, and alter the course of their future, thus precluding a universal apocalypse. However, there was a malfunction in my transport, and I believe that I somehow also manifested Blothar into the current frame of present.
Blothar: You’re responsible for this!?
Vulvatron: I don’t think it was me. It was the wormhole technician.
Blothar: We need to kill that guy.
What is your role in the band Vulvatron?
Vulvatron: To change the course of GWAR from ultimate and total destruction, and to alter their path to create a better direction for our entire universe. Also, to slay all the humans.
Was it hard to ingratiate into a band that had been together for so long?
Vulvatron: They were angry when I did all the crack, but everyone lightened up somewhat, once I released the boob spew.
Blothar: The main problem with Vulvatron is that she gets all the chicks.
Vulvatron: I am an insatiable chick magnet. They feed me chicks, but I want more.
Have you always been able to spew?
Vulvatron: It is indeed one of my native functions.
People are saying that the way you are portrayed as quite a leader in GWAR, and the first female member in a long time, that you have the potential to be an alternative new heroine of feminism.
Vulvatron: Our society is far advanced beyond the nature of gender bias. From the year 69000 it is such a primitive notion that there would be any difference between a male or a female scum dog. We all fuck each other, so this concept is alien to me.
Am I right in thinking you’re going on a 45+ date tour?
Vulvatron: I believe it is actually longer than that. I believe it is now two calendar months in earth time.
Blothar: Which, of course, is only seconds in our time. Every single night, after the rock show concert, I get sucked backwards into my own time. So, for me it’s just a constant of waking up everyday in a new city. I don’t know where I’m at. All I know is, I was promised fat chicks and so far, I’ve only had… a few.
Vulvatron: I usually feed the fat chicks to Blothar. I prefer mine svelte.
When you go on tour, do you notice some crowds are more willing to be sacrificed than others?
Vulvatron: All humans are begging to be sacrificed to us.
Blothar: That’s absolutely right. Except the French.
Vulvatron: Yes, the French are quite indignant about it.
Blothar: Yes. Italians give me indigestion, but the French are the worst. They just put up such a fuss. It’s hardly worth it.
Vulvatron: The Japanese have a particularly unsavoury giant dinosaur lizard type thing, that caused quite an issue.
At a show in Japan?
Vulvatron: Yes, it kept trying to get backstage and then it destroyed our dressing room.
Are you planning on coming to the UK?
Blothar: Dear god, I hope not.
Vulvatron: I am fond of your male species.
Your last album, Battle Maximus, was a year ago now. Are you working on a new one?
Blothar: Yes… If by working, you mean smoking crack and having sex with babies.
Do you have a name for it yet?
Vulvatron: Yes, Smoking Crack and Having Sex With Babies.
Have you killed anyone on stage recently?
Vulvatron: In Chicago we killed Obama, because it is his hometown. And a particularly unsavoury skinhead. I also slayed a giant lizard beast which Blothar then took credit for.
Blothar: Yes, of course! I killed it.
Jack White and Neil Young have just been announced to play at a Bob Dylan Tribute concert. Have GWAR been invited yet?
Vulvatron: I wrote all of Bob Dylan’s material.
Blothar: Actually, Bob Dylan is the same age as Gwar. So, being contemporaries of that cantankerous old fuck, I doubt I could find it in my heart to sing his ridiculous atonal music. But, we might employ one of the slaves to mumble into a microphone. We’ll just tousle their hair and send them out of the door.
Any final messages for the UK?
Blothar: FUCK YOU!
Vulvatron: Keep on making that warm liquid with the leaves in that is quite pleasing. I’m a fan.
Blothar: As for me, I like dick in chips.
Vulvatron: And pork scratchings.
Thanks for that.