Gavin Haynes's Polite Conversation

Skepta Wants You to Remember You're Just a Tiny Piece of Shit

And he thinks some people "are only just finding about" about Jammy Dodgers.

Gavin Haynes

Gavin Haynes

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Skepta

Gavin: Hello Skepta.

Skepta: Yo.

Where are you right now?

I’m in North London.

What are you doing?


What do you see around you…

Um… Just a load of high street shops.

Any shops you like?

Nah not really.

You’re indifferent to British high street chains, are you?

It’s just a load of bullshit, man.

What’s your favourite British high street chain?

I don’t know. I don’t really do that. I don’t really go out of my studio much.

Argos is quite good since they’ve done the rebrand - got rid of the catalogues, replaced them all with tablet computers. Feels like living in the future, doesn’t it?

Nah nah nah. I used to fuck with Argos when I was younger. But not anymore. I need to go to Argos actually, cause someone told me they got this juice-making thing. In fact, oh look, there’s an Argos!

Uncanny! What sort of car have you got?

German whip.

On “Bad Boy”, you say: “She came home wearing a brand new dress. But I never gave her a compliment.” Is this how you feel about giving girls compliments in general? Are you a compliment-withholder?

Yeah but that’s the old me. I’m a changed man. You’re talking about two albums ago. I’m peaceful now. I meditate n shit.



What do you think about when you meditate?

I don’t think about anything. It’s kinda ironic, because the more you don’t think about anything the more other thoughts are allowed to come into your head.

So what do you think about when you’re not thinking about anything?

I tell myself I’m another piece of matter floating around on earth. I forget that I am Skepta. That I have a name. Who I am. Where I am. What colour I am.

So you try and destroy your ego through meditation.

Any top tens I’ve got. Anythng I’ve done I’m proud of. I’d strip it down and allow natural vibes to come into my brain.

This is quite profound, Skepta.

Is it?

You’re blowing me away here. So essentially, you think we’re all just cosmic dust blowing in the wind?

Living on this planet, it’s easy to become consumed with the stuff around you. We’re living in that kind of a society today. I feel like, in the grand scheme of things, when you think about how big the universe is: really big. And how big this planet is: really big. And how big each country is: really big. And how big each town is: really big. And how big you are: you’re not really big. You’re just a tiny tiny incy wincy little bit of matter that goes around….

I see your meaning.

That’s why I don’t bother with praise or criticism. Good tweets calling me the sexiest MC alive, or the best MC in the country are just as bad for me as someone dissing me. I don’t think humans are supposed to receive that much information that quickly. Just remember you’re a piece of shit, really.

Meditate and realise you’re a piece of shit: The Skepta Story. Did this idea come to you fully formed? Or did you need a guru to get you here?

Just doing my own thing, being an independent man, made me drift away from the clichés of the streets.

I see. At the start of “Blacklisted” you go on a bit of a tangent about biscuits. Do you think biscuits are still cool?

Of course.

What’s a cool biscuit?

Jammy Dodgers.

That’s disappointing. I thought maybe you’d have a more underground biscuit you could tell me about.

That is an underground biscuit man. Some people are only just finding out about that biscuit today.

What about chocolate digestives?


Chocolate digestives.

Bro! That is a dead biscuit. That biscuit’s got no swag.


It’s so dry.


You can’t do nothing with it. You can save the middle bit and eat the jam on its own. What can you do with a chocolate biscuit?

What about shortbread biscuits?

Shortbread? Nah cuz.

What, you mean you hate Scottish people?

You’re sounding mad dry there man.


All those biscuits you need a big drink with them. You might even need a hot drink.

On track 3 of Blacklisted, you say: “First I use my tongue, then I put my d in the v.” Is that your standard MO when entertaining a lady? Do you ever put your d in the v and then use your tongue, or is that unhygienic?


No comment?

But I definitely don’t do the…

Dialtone voice: “The other person has hung up.” “The other person has hung up.” “The other person has hung up.” “The other person has hung up.”


PR: [X] Publicity. Hello.

Hello. I think Skepta just hung up on me?

PR: Ok, well I’ll see if I can patch you through again….


[Two minutes of hold music]

PR: Hello. You’re back through to Skepta….

Skepta: Hello?

Hello Skepta. Say… did you just hang up on me?

Gavin, listen I’m refraining from answering any sexual questions. I feel that my privacy is being invaded. We need to know each other for at least two years before you can start asking stuff like that, so right now, you’ve got another 700 days plus before you can ask man what man do with the d or the v or whatever.

I understand, Skepta. I am glad that we have firm personal boundaries that we can both respect. Let’s talk more about love and relationships. You’re 31 now. Do you feel like time is running out for you to have some kids, raise them, enjoy a pleasant domesticity?

Nah. Time never runs out. That’s the beautiful thing about time.

Well I hate to break it to you, but a woman’s fertility declines sharply after 35. So essentially for the women of your generation, time is running out for them.

In science, there isn’t any certified. There could be someone who is 101 and she gets pregnant. So I leave things to nature. Is it getting too late to do more music? Am I too old to spit? Am I too old to have children? I don’t think like that. I just live.

Do you think though that one day you’ll regret that decision?

No. Everybody’s got their own thing they think that life’s about. And to someone who doesn’t have a course in life, a child is that thing to them that they think life’s about, that they nurture. But to me, because I’ve got music, I’ve never felt lonely.

Would you prefer a daughter or a son?

I’d prefer a son. Personally.

Why is that?

Because I am named after my dad. My dad’s named after his dad, so if he came along, he’d be Joseph The Fifth.

I suppose that’s a better reason than most. Have you ever looked in a girl’s eyes and seen your unborn children?

Yeah. Once.

What was that like?

I’ve only ever had one girl where I said to myself, Yeah, if she got pregnant. I’d go for it. I’d be there for her.

Where is she now?

I don’t know.

Is that sad?

No… cos I’ve got music. My next tune I’m bringing out, after this one, is fucking deep. It’s so sick that I don’t really care.

Well thank you for your time, Skepta. Is there anything else you’d like to say to our readers?

Yeah. Everybody tweet Noisey and say: “Why have you not posted Skepta’s new video: ‘That’s Not Me’.” Right now.*

That’s disappointing. I thought you might say something about universal one-ness there.

Wait for it!!! Ok, secondly, now you’re back, I’d like to say, don’t take life too seriously because you’re a piece of shit in the scheme of things. Enjoy yourself. Spread good vibes. Konichiwa, bitches.

Well, from one piece of shit to another…

Yooi! I’m gonna start saying that to people now. “From one piece of shit to another…” That’s the new “come clean”.

I’ve changed culture.

I’m gonna tweet you when the article comes out. What’s your Twitter address?

Do I want to tell you that?

Whatever your picture is on Twitter, yeah, I’m gonna get everybody to rinse the shit out of you online.

Oh dear. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @GavHaynes

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*Skepta fans, please leave us alone: