Spinning Arseholes: The Voice UK, Episode Two

It’s week two of The Voice – the UK’s premier conceptually-fucked dream-smashathon, where, for a few seconds at least, it doesn’t matter if you’re unattractive, have passed peak fertility or have a bulging gunt, so long as you can huff out 90 seconds of “I Have Nothing” with enough conviction.

Last week we were introduced to the new presenters and I for one am so glad that the BBC got their first choice of Emma Willis from Channel 5 and one of JLS. We were also introduced to the new judging panel and their particular niches of interest. Kylie picks young boys, who in turn pick Kylie because they’d always dreamt of her being their girlfriend/fag hag. Ricky From The Kaiser Chiefs picks young girls with the kind of awkward flattery and minorly inappropriate puppy dog eyes that the BBC is getting a reputation for. Old belter Tom Jones picks the oldies and the belters, and Will.I.Am operates on a completely different continuum from the rest of the universe.

Before we wheel out this week’s conveyor belt of future Never Mind The Buzzcocks line-up stars, can we just note how this show is now responsible for a whole sense-deprivation bollocks genre spreading across TV. First The Voice, now The Taste, I give it about three months before we get The Smell, where people have to choose a partner based solely on getting a good whiff of pure, unwashed pheromones, followed by The Wank, in which Arlene Phillips, Pete Waterman, Amanda Holden and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber are blind-folded, gagged, and naked from the waist down, judging young hopefuls from the home counties on the basis of their frottaging skills alone.

Anyway, here was this week’s bunch of chancers – a veritable smegasbord of bad teeth, fake tan and mediocrity.

Unlike The X Factor, which at least makes a hash of finding truly broken people to ridicule, most of the contestants on the Voice are middle class stage-school arsewipes who grew up in stable families listening to Paolo Nutini. This makes sob stories a bit of a stretch. Take Jamie. Aside from his gormless guffaw that suggests he likely spent the majority of his school years playing hopscotch in remedial PE, Jamie’s “sell” is that he’s a mummy’s boy. Yes, they’re actually trying to make a thing out of the fact that someone has parents. He sings “So Sick” by Ne-Yo in a way that makes Sam Smith seem like a really memorable, charismatic guy. His mum wails like she’s just seen a murder and Jamie picks Kylie to be his mentor. Shrug.

MAIREAD CONLON

What is it with wailing Mariah-types thinking they can mess with "Purple Rain"? Prince basically speaks the verses like a purring, mustachioed sex midget. Why do they think that’d be improved by bellowing like an ox with a cold? Mairead was, according to the internet, also on The Voice of Ireland last year and tbh if you can’t get one of Westlife, Jim from The Corrs and Ian Paisley (or whoever their judges are) to like you then you’re probably not going to win here. But hey! God loves a trier. Even one who looks like their eyebrows have been drawn on by an emotionally troubled child.

LEWIS CLAY AND JIMMY WESTON

These two have been lumped together in the same segment because they both “have had to make compromises” in pursuit of musical success. Compromises, ey? That sounds more like it. Has one of them been driven apart from his one true love because it’s either them or the career babe, and he’s just gotta live for his art? Maybe one of them lost an arm in a freak cowbell accident, or they’ve been sleeping on the streets, with only a tear-stained lyric sheet to cover their shivering torsos? Nope? One of them lives in his mum’s sitting room and the other one is a painter and decorator. His compromise is that he has a job. There are not enough fuck offs in the world.

KELSEY BETH

Kelsey was in Emmerdale when she was a teenager but now wants to be a singer, which basically makes her the new Kylie Minogue except that Kylie was never in Emmerdale and exhibited the tell-tale signs of a personality. She does a token sexed-up version of The White Stripes’ “Fell In Love With A Girl”, thereby unnecessarily reminding the world of Joss Stone’s existence, and swans off holding new mentor Ricky From The Kaiser Chiefs’ hand like a mismatched couple on Take Me Out. Let the completely forgettable singer see the inevitable exit in round two.

SOPHIE MAY WILLIAMS

Is there anything more annoying than a person under 18 banging on about how much they love the olden days? They think they’re showing such depth by ignoring contemporary culture, when we know they’re just yet to develop the backbone to disagree with the music preferences of their parents. “Vintage-lover” Sophie has recently discovered Beyond Retro and she is not afraid to show it. Her favourite film, we’re told by her granddad, is Breakfast At Tiffany’s. Of course it fucking is.

In true vintage style, Sophie sings classic jazz standard “Time After Time” by 1920s icon Cyndi Lauper. It is actually very good, but only Will.I.Am spins round. Instead of being grateful Sophie continues on her “everyone thinks I’m a weirdo because I’m vintage” hype. God damn woman, I’d love to take you back to the 1930s so you could be treated as a second class citizen and watch your loved ones die in war.

JERMAIN JACKMAN

JERMAIN JACKSON?!?!?! Oh wait, my mistake. Despite his VT showing him doing his shopping in the place round the corner from me in Stoke Newington, Jermaine is fully playing the Hackney card. At one point he even genuinely says, “Even though I’m from Hackney, I have a talent” as though Hackney is some culture-deprived wasteland where the only career paths are the dole queue or being a professional mugger. That aside, Jermaine also goes on to talk about his involvement in youth politics in a way that’s probably misjudging the tone of a Saturday night reality show a little, but still – good on him. And if there’s one thing more guaranteed to win people over than being a nice guy from the wrong side of the tracks, then it’s singing that Jennifer Hudson song. Despite having all the hallmark traits of a finalist (the producers didn’t save him ‘til the end for nothing), will.i.am is the only one that turned round, as he was for Kelsey – tonight’s only other contestant who could actually be a popstar. So basically that leaves us in a sad place where the only sane person is a man who thinks that playing an old 80s movie soundtrack through an EDM iPhone app counts as real music.

Follow Lisa on Twitter: @LisaAnneWright

Last week:

Spinning Arseholes: The Voice UK, Episode 1