1975 image via Wikimedia

Things That Need to Happen in Music in 2019 So We Can Move Forward

Stop making long albums, never do an encore again, be more like Pitbull – then achieve world peace. These are things we need this year.

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02 January 2019, 1:26pm

1975 image via Wikimedia

Ah yes, another year passed, another year born anew. Bet you have loads of plans to put into action too – like getting a new #hotbod or finally deciding to stop using Tinder, after re-downloading it somewhere close to fifteen times (when drunk ofc). Like they say though, out with the old, in with the new, and the music industry is no different. You gotta kill off the trends of the past so culture can move forward. All the things below are stuff that need to be left in 2018.

Albums with millions of songs

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Uggggggh, in the emoji form

They say people don’t have attention spans anymore. On the one hand, this is true: there are people out there who find the most simple tasks impossible when phone-less – like cooking eggs or shitting. On the other, in 2018 there were so many songs on so many albums that if you added them together you’d probably have a running time similar to that of a return flight to Australia. One could take this to mean listeners care more than ever; another could say it’s a way of gaming the system (hiya average album that reached number one in 2018!). But odds are at least 75% of people would like an album that’s somewhere close to eleven songs (or 15 at a push if you’re on you’re fifth record and about to enter your empirical phase). Or just anything that’s perfect for a bus ride, really.

Complaining about Spotify/streaming

… which brings us to, complaining about Spotify and streaming! Get over it, iPod lover. TheSwedish giants/Apple/Amazon/whatever are here to stay and sometimes we get good stuff outta it (Frank Ocean’s Blonded radio show, for example / all the others!) and sometimes bad (whatever that bloated rap album was that took three years to listen through and no one in this office ever finished).

Encores

An outdated ritual that brings joy to absolutely no one. Everyone pretends show ends, musician dodders around in the wings for a few minutes while crowd wonder if they should beat the rush and leave for public transport now, musician comes on to half-arsed applause and plays the best songs to a crowd already tired. Fin. Just fuck it all off and end with a bang or at least play the song above.

Ranting on Twitter instead of doing real promo

There’s definitely something interesting about an artist breaking face – the poised, carefully-arranged glass petals that make up a public-facing persona – and going Full Mad on Twitter or Instagram Live, and I suppose that is in many ways the point of social media (fans, disillusioned with the same cut-and-paste anecdotes and interviews in the glossy magazines of the past feel a more direct, urgent connection with their artist of choice, musicians no longer needing platforms to speak from because they already have their own, stan culture whipped up into a feverish overdrive, &c. &c.) but also fucking hell we properly need to leave behind ‘Kanye’s Done A Rant On Twitter Again… And Lads, He’s Got A Song Out Soon!’ or ‘Nameless Artist (Who I’m Not Going To Drag Here Directly) Has Gone On About The Music Industry And It’s Bad… Their Album, Though, Is Out This Week And Is Probably Somewhere Between A Three- and a Four-Star, Nothing Too Major But Some Nice Tunes On There I Suppose, If We’re Being Honest Our Review Was Filed At A Two-Star Before They Kicked Off and Started Directly @ing Publications Who Reviewed Them Unfavourably, So Anyway, Long Story Short: Five Stars’. Look, I guess what we’re saying is we’re just a bit over people making noise instead of saying things.

Using ballroom slang to sell products

Ball culture was born from Black and Latino American LGBTQ communities. Which makes it kind of weird when big brands and companies appropriate the slang to sell their shit. Just tell me to join your bank, or buy your shampoo – I don’t need to know if it’s gonna snatch my wig hunty yes mama yas kween. We get it, you watched Rupaul’s Drag Race once and now you’ve forgotten you’re straight, white and from Huddersfield.

Arguing about The 1975

You know what’s worse than hearing someone say The 1975 are the best thing to ever happen to British pop? Hearing someone’s opinion on why they aren’t. Some people like stuff. Other people like other stuff. You don’t need to fight to the death about this, we’re tired.

Multiple Movies about Dead Musicians From Multiple Angles

Yeah, Asif Kapadia’s 2015 film AMY was an affecting piece of cinema, as was Nick Broomfield’s Whitney Houston documentary from last year. But then there was Kevin Macdonald’s Whitney doc, and the other Amy Winehouse doc from Eagle Vision, and it’s like… do we have to wring out these people’s stories until there’s nothing left to be said? Let’s have at least one fallow year from that, please.

More support for UK radio stations like Foundation FM after Radar Radio died

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Foundation FM logo

If you don’t know the Radar Radio story (read about their Rise and Demise here), let’s just say the entire enterprise burned as quick as one of those California wildfires, gutting the business and sending it to bed. Thankfully some of its best DJs, aka Snoochie Shy and Tiffany Calver, have taken on new roles at BBC Radio. Then there’s Foundation FM, the new station led by women but for everyone. Plus they have a banging logo. So while Radar can be gone, Foundation FM can be brought in. Listen to them here!

Xanax

This isn’t so much a cliche as something that needs to stop? And if you’re still out here calling yourself Lil Xan, then idk, I guess it’s like calling yourself heroin – at least in some dumb basic way, anyway – which maybe seems cool on the surface but is dumb as hell ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. IDK, maybe just us!!!

This, but in a different format, with a different song, by someone else

What we’re saying is, more good music pls. Happy New Year! Mr Worldwide, baby!

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