The First Food Critic Review of a New AJ Tracey-Affiliated Burger

I've never eaten a radish. An artichoke has rarely touched my tongue. Last week I tried steamed cabbage for the first time (and hated it with an unrelenting passion). Some may say this makes me unqualified to write about food, but those people are wrong. I'm learned in a different kind of cuisine, is all.

Show me a McDonalds and I will recall with delight fond memories of dishes past and present. Bring me to Subway so I can complete your order with all the right sauce combinations. Test me on international takeout places and you will learn how Sonic Burger stands several feet tall above the rest. Whether it's sticky hot wing sauces or (real) carne asada tacos, I love this shit. It feeds my soul in the same way plates of kale and steady friendships feed yours. So when it was announced that UK rapper AJ Tracey had launched his own burger, I couldn't wait to check it out.

Tracey's burger follows on from Stormzy's #Merky burger at Nandos as the latest in rap-themed UK takeaway dishes. But where Stormzy opted to walk hand in hand with of the biggest food chains in the country, Tracey has taken things in a different direction and gone local. The spot? Boom Burger, a Jamaican themed restaurant in Notting Hill, serving jerk patties and dutty buttys. For the uninitiated, Boom Burger sits on the edge of west London's Portobello Road where the railway meets with Ladbroke Grove, near Tracey's home. This has nothing to do with the food, of course, but it's always good to have background knowledge before putting a piece of meat into your mouth.

So, without further ado, here is the meat:

In keeping with the lyrics from his track "Packages", the chicken burger features "double cheese, no onions". And what a beautiful specimen it is. A master of construction. A little fucking treat placed between two pieces of yeast cultured wheat and flour. My taste buds are dampening just looking at this image, roly-polying and thirstily slipping in and out of one another.

I sit back and crack my knuckles in the way all good food critics do before delving into a carriage of gustatory delight. I breathe, clearing my palette. I look around, taking in the sights and sound of the area, reminding myself of how food is an ideal vehicle to experiencing the wider culture of a place. I pick up the burger in my hands, draw it toward my mouth like a doughy toy, and prepare for the invasion. Then… the fucking thing slops in my hands, the insides spilling out like a road accident, the top slowly teetering sideways and away from my hungry, salivating, needing grip.

But hey: I guess that's a proper burger for you. Once this crime against aesthetics is over, it's smooth sailing. The juice of wet and sodden Jamaican salad drips down and into my fingernails, forming delightful tasting pools around the cuticles – perfect for licking down as a post-lunch refreshment. The vibrant orange sparks of buffalo sauce on chicken blend perfectly with slatherings of melted cheese, as though some kind of consummate mathematical equation had taken place in the kitchen moments earlier. The soft brioche that bookends the thing is like a little pillow, ready made for flavour to rest its happy hints upon.

I eat, and I chomp, and I make a mess, and I put down and I pick up. It's a joy, eating food. For those who are interested, it's recommended to wash this baby down with a helping of ginger beer (as pictured, but not advertised), so as to add compliments of fiery yet smooth helpings of nature's best root.

Years of poor eating habits and bodily abuse has rendered me unable to finish the burger, but it does come recommended. Look at the enjoyment on that plate below. This shit has been torn apart.

Jay Rayner, are you out there, and do you want a food-off?

I will break you, bro.

I will break you.

Picking up some napkins, I wipe the remnants of joy from the corner of my mouth and get up to leave.

One Red Stripe and a 30-minute walk later, I cough and taste the food in the back of my throat. For this the AJ Tracey Boom Burger gets the big 4/5. Congratulations to one and all involved.

You can find Ryan on Twitter.

(Read the review of Stormzy's #Merky burger here).

All photos by Ryan Bassil because I do my own stunts.