What's Worse: Beyoncé's Ed Sheeran Collab or Her Naughty Boy One?

Science, Noisey style.

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01 December 2017, 12:55pm

Image via Wikimedia Commons

Beyoncé is probably the world's most talented human, but unfortunately – though very rarely – she sometimes finds herself on songs that are, for want of a better word, shit. This is what happened yesterday, when "Perfect Duet," her collab with Ed Sheeran (did she think he was a fan with a dream or something?) dropped. It has also happened once before, when she deigned to appear on Naughty Boy's "Runnin'".

This is not to say that Beyoncé does not perform her duties on these songs with utmost grace and skill. And certainly, her vocals arguably elevate them past the deep mediocrity that they'd have occupied without her. But: compare "Perfect," a wishy-washy acoustic ballad, with something like her own earth-shattering "Halo." Compare "Runnin'" with "Run The World (Girls)" – there is no competition.

The only contest, in fact, comes in determining which of Beyoncé's Average Dude Collabs is worse. Let's do some science:

Which song has worse lyrics?

This one really depends on what you consider 'bad'? Do you hate repetitive choruses which are essentially only made up of one word, or trite crap that overuses the word "darling" and includes the lines "I found a love to carry more than just my secrets / To carry love, to carry children of our own" more? It's a tough one you know! Gonna have to go for the Sheer-man, though: "Your heart is all I own / And in your eyes you're holding mine" sounds like he copied it out of a wedding anniversary card.

Sheeran 0 - Naughty Boy 1

Which song sounds worse?

I hate Sheeran on the acoustic guitar as much as the next self-respecting person but honestly have you heard "Runnin'"?

Sheeran 1 - Naughty Boy 1

Which song has the worse collaborator?

Damn, it's all to play for. This point, to me, truly gets to the heart of why it would be best if Beyoncé stopped popping up on weird collaborations with offensively average men. Beyoncé's sound is huge and full, but it gets watered down when she hops onto the track of someone who doesn't share her amazing, impressive largesse: that's why Nicki Minaj works, and Ed Sheeran and Naughty Boy very much don't.

Sheeran 2 - Naughty Boy 2

Result: They both suck, can we just get that Cardi B collaboration already?

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