Please imagine me shouting all of the following into a megaphone, stood on a crate in Trafalgar Square:
"EVERYONE, LISTEN. OI. OUCH. PLEASE STOP THROWING THINGS, SIR. LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY? DO YOU WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING? DO YOU WANT TO CONSCIENTIOUSLY OBJECT TO THE WAR THAT RAG'N'BONE MAN IS CURRENTLY RAGING ON THE ALBUMS CHART OF THIS FAIR LAND? THERE IS A WAY OUT. THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR REPENTANCE: STREAM THE SHIT OUT OF THE STORMZY ALBUM AND ALSO BUY IT ON CD FOR YOURSELF AND THEN FOR YOUR MUM BECAUSE SHE'LL BLOODY LOVE IT."
Obviously my speech is so rousing that the crowd that has amassed to watch me carries me off on their shoulders, only to later go home and listen to Gang Signs & Prayer over and over, until Stormzy is announced as the victor of this week's Great UK Album Chart Battle, against his opponent, BRITs Critics Choice Award Winner, runner up for the BBC's Sound of 2017 Award, and friend of Bradley Walsh, Rag'n'Bone Man.
The way I see it, the race to have the biggest selling album in the UK this week is the next chapter in the story that began on Sunday night at the Oscars, when the independent, black-helmed, queer film Moonlight emerged victorious over La La Land, which, throughout awards season became a synonym for whiteness and mediocrity. Here, Stormzy (who, don't forget, is an unsigned act, and released his album via his own label, #MERKY), representative as he is of ingenuity and creativity and actual Britishness, goes toe to toe with Rag'n'Bone Man, who is backed by major label heft, and whose core audience is mums and other people who only ever listen to music in the car. Interestingly, according to the Official Charts Company, the two albums are selling very differently: Stormzy's Gang Signs & Prayer has made the majority of sales via digital downloads, whilst Human by Rag'n'Bone Man has made 75 percent of its sales via physical copies, which can only mean that the sort of people who are buying it are those who are just popping it in the basket when they're on the way to the tills at Tesco.
As of Monday afternoon, Stormzy only led Raging Boner Man (sorry) by around 2000 copies, so it is very important that you go and listen to Gang Signs & Prayer on your streaming service of choice right now. Because where both originality and deserving are concerned, the choice for whose album should reach number one is kind of a no-brainer, and if you are having to do any braining about it then you really need to have a word with yourself.
Do the right thing. #MERKY2017.
Follow Lauren on Twitter.
(Image via PR)
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