I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BEY, BUT "MRS CARTER" IS THE WORST NAME YOU COULD'VE GIVEN YOUR TOUR.
Now, I’m no feminist; I hate the smell of nail polish and I think Girls and Sex And The City are dumb shows. But even I, a red blooded white male, indifferent to the struggles of literally everyone else on earth, knows that Beyoncé, Queen of America, calling her world tour "The Mrs. Carter Show" is not cool.
Firstly, it just flat out breaks the continuity of her whole career. From the record breaking and (somehow) quite controversial "Bills, Bills, Bills" to the more recent and even bolshier "Single Ladies" (not to forget some wank about "girls running the world") Beyoncé’s schtick is that of a sexy but wholly independent triple threat. Remember when she played Foxy Cleopatra in the blaxploitation section of Austin Powers in Goldmember, all afro and back chat? Now what then? Oh you’re Jay-Z’s missus, is that right? Well I guess that finally qualifies you among the elite doesn’t it?
I couldn’t really care less if a woman takes a man’s name, regardless of how clearly arbitrary it is, but bringing that element of your life into your professional character, is surely more inappropriate than anything. As well as being the stalwart go-to goddess for a lot of women in the west, she is also an object of desire to men due to her face-melting beauty. Calling your tour "Mrs. Carter" is like talking to a girl you like who casually mentions her boyfriend, causing you to completely tune out and look for the safest exit.
The visuals for "Video Phone", one of the very best pop tracks of the last five years, saw her pulsing and popping so hard I could swear a bead of her sweat flew out of the telly and hit me in the tonsils, my mouth agape in awe of what I was seeing/ hearing.
It was delicious.
But now what are we to expect? Beyoncé giving us a cheeky look whilst she bastes a fucking turkey on Thanksgiving? A wink as she hangs Mr. Carter’s coat and hat up, taking his briefcase full of Brooklyn Nets paperwork and giving him a peck on the cheek? That’s bullshit Bey, what the fuck?
If you didn’t think she was an Illuminati-monopoly-reptile before then, the odds are really drooping in that direction aren’t they? True values, like implied servitude, conformity and domestic dullardry are instilled once more in the youth of America, dished out by scaly popstars. We’re mere years away from drowning in a tsunami of Ciroc and this is just the first step.
Then again, maybe this is all just completely pointless. After all, this is just the name of the tour, and doesn’t give us any ideas as to what it will entail. And sure, Beyoncé is free to call her tour whatever she wants, none of my business, certainly.
Perhaps it’s the assumption that I’m in any way interested in the fact that Jay and Bey are even married anyway? Fuck’s that got to do with me? You’ve got a child? Cool, I think there’s a couple billion other people with one of those too, maybe you guys can meet up in Starbucks and talk about clearing human effluence off your sleeves?
Really, it’s a shitty title because Beyoncé’s surname isn’t even Mrs. Carter, it’s Knowles-Carter, perhaps the most shrug-worthy choice of all. Now their kids are all gonna sound like they should be on the Tatler list above Remington Clarkson-Tribbing but below Tamswaithe Arbiter-Horrison. She’s from Texas, why not call it the "Twerking at the Alamo" tour or something?
I feel that in some ways you alienate your fan base with an action like this. To a lot of us, musicians, especially popstars, are like your friends. It’s like your best mate saying "Look guys, I’ve got a new partner! Guess I don’t need all that old shit that made me who I am now, like friends and junk, cuz I’m sorted." She’s neglecting how you felt when you heard "Independent Women", because Beyoncé has found love and she requires you no longer. But when things go sour, will you be there to pick up the pieces? We’ll see how the tour goes.
Follow Joe on Twitter @joe_bish