Everything We Know About Glastonbury 2019 So Far

Well, it’s been nearly two years. Two years since an extremely large portion of Britain left their average working lives behind in order to wear paisley pants and eat cold beans from a communal tin for fun. Two years since we cried in the mud with our new best friend Jenny while Jeremy Corbyn shouted poetry into a mic. Two years since we thought it was completely fine – expected even – to dance along to someone playing trumpet barefoot at 11AM while taking bumps of ket off an old man. I’m talking about Glastonbury. That one time of the year in which we allow ourselves to escape the arduous confines of society in order to get lost in a hedonistic vacuum. For three to five days.

If you’re not going this year, then stop reading now. It will only make things harder. Or actually, maybe read this handy guide to getting into Glastonbury without a ticket which we published last year, and then you can return to this with renewed vigour. Or maybe you hate festivals, especially this one, and are simply hate-reading this so that you can comment “VICE used to be good!” on Facebook afterwards, which you still use. Either way, the following information is everything we know about Glastonbury 2019 so far, which will take place from Wednesday 26 June to Sunday 30 June. As with any event, there are some good things, some bad things and some things we have yet to get our heads around…

The Killers!

Ah, you thought the Killers headlining would be a bad thing, didn’t you? You felt a pang of disappointment when you saw their name trending on Twitter, didn’t you? You thought it was going to be Lady Gaga instead, you thought she might even bring out Bradley Cooper. As someone who has been going to Glastonbury for more years than I’ve had my period, here is a fact: you will never feel happier in your life than when you are one of 135,000 hot drunk faces screaming “Mr Brightside.” Never again, in your life.

Ms Lauryn Hill!

Lauryn Hill is the kind of artist you don’t realise you want to see perform until the first few keys of “Ready Or Not” ring out from across the field and you promptly burst into tears and start inexplicably running towards her. I’m still not convinced she’s going to turn up or even play that song, but still.

Janelle Monae!

Dirty Computer live? Are you well?

A (not actually by the)seaside pier!

Apparently there's going to be a 60-foot long Victorian style pier erected in the middle of a field with an arcade and fortune tellers and shit. I don't know what this means other than what it sounds like, but I can't imagine anything could go wrong, apart from maybe people throwing themselves off it while tripping or the whole thing catching fire. But apart from that it sounds sick.

Block9 is getting bigger! And better!

Block9 is basically all your favourite nightclubs smooshed together, with no closing time and no rules. This year, according to Emily Eavis, they will be "spreading out Block9 a bit, giving them more space as they’ve got some pretty mind-boggling ideas that we’re putting into action.“ This is the only good news most of us will have received this year.

Hozier?

Listening to Hozier gives me the exact same feeling as watching somebody eat a cereal bar, or waiting at the bus stop. Like, it's almost nothingness, but not quite. Just something fine that fits into a space and maybe even serves a purpose.

Sam Fender?

Who – and I cannot stress this enough – mst.

Other bad shit?

One weird thing about going to Glastonbury is that bad shit always happens on the 'outside world', and you have to wake up to it, cold and alone with a sad, dry MDMA mouth and bad phone signal. Last time it was Brexit. There was that year loads of famous people died. What will it be this time? The world has gotten tangibly worse since the last Glastonbury, so it will probably be a deadly meteorite hurtling towards earth.

Sheryl Crow! King Princess! Actual Janet Jackson! KYLIE! You can see the all the artists that have already been confirmed above and it's a very good line up even though I still can't see *squints, leans closer, takes out magnifying glass* Lady Gaga or Bradley Cooper? Which, weird? But also, whatever. We all know that nobody ends up watching the artists you planned to watch anyway. You'll spend weeks going on about how you can't wait to see Sharon Van Etten in the flesh but then end up getting lost in Arcadia for nine hours, or falling asleep in a hammock after an old woman gives you some weird tea, or making out with a guy behind the compost loos who says he's Super Hans but isn't actually Super Hans and deep down you know this. That sort of thing. See you in June!

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