What Do Old People Think About The Rap Music of 2013?

The author with an old person when she wasn't as old

Everyone is banging on about how hip-hop is currently the greatest thing in the world. After a few stagnant years perpetuated by ring-tone rap, the genre has regained its place at the forefront of modernity. Eminem had one of the best selling records of the year, broadcast long-form interviews with rap royalty have dominated news cycles proving rap’s newly-retained cultural iconography, and every festival is bidding on Outkast taking their headline spot. Outside of business, little sisters are doodling their GCSE year pencil cases with <3a$ap<3, high="" street="" kensington="" mothers="" are="" humming="" along="" to="" drizzy="" on="" their="" expensed="" dab="" radios,="" and="" salariats="" soundtrack="" metropolitan="" line="" commute="" with="" real="" trap="" shit.="" both="" consumer="" public="" ideals="" in="" sync,="" rappers="" appearing="" national="" television="" again,="" it’s="" led="" a="" discussion="" whether="" or="" not="" we’re="" A New Golden Age Of Hip Hop.

However, although we know that both critics and young people think rap is great because it’s at the top of the cultural pecking order, no one has asked old people what they think. This is a shame, because old people are the best kind of people. They fill your pockets with sweets, have infinite wisdom, and always end up too drunk at every single family gathering.

With this in mind, I decided to continue where Live at St Hildas left off and ask two OAPs what they think about modern rap music.

What the critics say: Talented, hilarious, villainous, immature, precocious, and viral, [Tyler is] at the vanguard of modern hip-hop - Pitchfork

What the old people say:

Lynn: You can’t understand what he’s saying. It’s his nationality, it’s hard to understand.

Annette: He just ate one of those blooming cockroaches, no wonder he’s puking.

Lynn: But why is he bothering to do that? What is he achieving?

It’s cool.

Lynn: Oh come on. Young people are so influenced by rappers, and impressed by it, he needs to be more legible and understandable. He sends out the wrong message to the young generation and that’s why we’re having so many more problems with rape, you name it, and that’s because they say all these things.

Annette: Why do they do it, though? What’s the word?

Lynn: Cool? Yeah, I think it’s cool.

Should it be banned?

Lynn: Yes. If he wants to puke in his own house, that’s up to him. He’s going to make young people think they can puke anywhere they like.

Annette: He’s an uncouth young guy.

What the critics say: Who better to realise the machine is inherently flawed and should be destroyed than somebody who’s a prominent cog in it? Kanye West is the flawed, egomaniacal revolutionary that our culture deserves, and he’s here to save us from ourselves - Noisey

What the old people say:

Do you know who Kanye West is?

Both: No.

This is his new video for "Bound 2". What do you think?

Annette: This is a nice sound. Oh yes, I like this. It’s so much better. You can understand what he’s saying.

Lynn: If a young couple has broken up, then this song should be played. And that’s why the horses are charging away, because it’s like you’re losing them.

Annette: I’d cook him a steak for dinner.

Lynn: In his spare time he probably goes to the gym because he looks very athletic.

Annette: He looks like a very nice, positive, clean-living guy.

Lynn: He’s got a nice gentle personality, I’d imagine.

What do you think will happen to him in the future?

Lynn: He’s a super guy, he deserves great success.

Annette: Oh yes, definitely. He’s got a lot of good elements.

What the critics say: A provocateur with a dry wit and an outrageously dexterous gift for wordplay, he [is] a clear inheritor of Eminem’s macabre humor and Lil Wayne’s dyspeptic logorrhea. [Earl is] a savvy, schooled rapper: gross, entrancing and thrilling - New York Times

What the old people say:

Annette: Earl. That’s a nice name.

Lynn: The younger generation tend to have music that… all they’re interested in is loud beats. It doesn’t matter about the song.

Annette: You can’t hear what he’s saying, it may as well be a one-line song.

How would you improve it?

Annette: A rap like that is repetitive.

Lynn: I like rap though.

Really? What do you like about it?

Lynn: I don’t mind repetitive music providing I know what they’re singing and I can sing along with them and repeat it.

What the critics say: Everything Riff Raff does is so crazy that it must either be part of a metacontextual Dadaist joke and he is a genius, or he is just profoundly dumb and has been blessed by the Rap Gods with infinite luck - VICE

What the old people say:

Annette: He looks nice and clean.

Really?

Annette: Well, that photo of him looks alright. It’s a Beckham sort of look.

Okay… Because he has lots of tattoos?

Annette: Yes. The younger generation look at David Beckham and Beckham loves tattoos.

Lynn: I think that David Beckham is great.

Annette: I don’t like the gold teeth, though. I had one myself and I’ve lost it.

Lynn: My uncle had one and it showed people that he was rich.

And Riff Raff must be super rich because he has a whole mouth full of gold. Is that okay?

Annette: No. It’s probably because he’s lacking in personality and he’s got to make up for it with tattoos and gold teeth, because other than that, he’s got nothing.

What the critics say: In his berserk originality, writerly flair, emotional impact, and old-fashioned craft, Danny Brown belongs in any conversation about the best rappers working - Pitchfork

What the old people say:

Lynn: I like his hairstyle. It doesn’t worry me what sort of hair he has.

Annette: I used to like David Bowie, he has similar hair.

What about the gap in his teeth?

Lynn: It’s supposed to be good luck. Remember Bob? He had a gap in his teeth.

Annette: Danny Brown looks approachable.

Do you think?

Well, he’s only pulling expressions in these pictures.

What the critics say: The Drake Era has ended; welcome to the Drake Regime. Aubrey Graham's gone from an unlikely rapper to an accepted rapper to maybe the biggest rapper out, all in four years, and he's the genre's biggest current pop crossover star - Pitchfork

What the old people say:

Lynn: I like his name.

Let’s listen to “Hold on We’re Going Home”

Lynn: Oh, I like that beat. It’s a happy beat.

How many marks would you give it out of 10?

Lynn: Ten.

Annette: Nine out of ten.

Lynn: I understand what he’s saying, I love the beat, and it’s super. It’s very modern. He’s so happy.

Annette: I could dance to this.

What do you think Drake does in his spare time? People say that he sits at home crying with a towel wrapped around his head.

Annette: No.

Lynn: No, no, no way! He could be emotional, but no. He’d probably be quite artistic.

Annette: Really?

Lynn: Well, yes. He’d write his own tunes, his own lyrics, and he has a sensitivity about him.

Annette: He has a lovely voice.

Lynn: Oh yes, it’s very nice.

If you could get him a gift for Christmas what would you get him?

Lynn: A trip on a lovely holiday somewhere. The Caribbean, because he’d probably like to see reggae music. It would introduce more culture to his music and he could try out different things. He might think: “my god, I could really expand with this”.

I’m going to show you what he looks like. What do you think?

Lynn: Oh yes, he’s excellent!

Annette: He’s very handsome.

Lynn: He looks nice, he’s got a sense of humour. He looks quite reserved.

Annette: I think he’s lovely.

Lynn: We’re going to be in VICE magazine saying this!

What the critics say: Kendrick Lamar’s good kid, m.A.A.d. city is a record that conveys the paradox of premature disillusionment, but isn’t satisfied with the usual way these stories are told. It’s a thoughtfully dense, intricate articulation of maturity from the perspective of a young man who seems preternaturally self-aware and conflicted - Complex

What the old people say:

Annette: Oh, he’s nice. He looks like, what’s his name? The film-star…. Eddie Murphy?

He doesn’t look like him.

Annette: He looks like a baby, with his little chubby cheeks. It makes me want to go up to him and be like - “What dew yew want” - while rubbing his cheeks. It’s a mothering instinct that he makes me feel. I also like the music because you can hear him. It’s very clever how he gets all the words in. But it is also very monotonous.

Lynn: No, I would buy his record.

You’d buy it? Would you buy it and listen to it or keep it on the shelf as a glory trophy?

Lynn: Oh god yes, if I buy a record I’ll listen to it. I wouldn’t say he’s the greatest rapper compared to the previous guy.

Are you saying that Drake is better than Kendrick Lamar?

Lynn: Yes. Drake is better because… I like the look of him. I like his music. I like the way he speaks. It’s very appealing.

SHOTS FIRED!

What the critics say: Watching Movies with the Sound Off reintroduces Mac Miller as a druggy philosopher on the mic and a left field talent behind the boards. Gone are the undercooked shaggy dog stories of Blue Slide Park and mixtapes like Best Day Ever. In their place we get a batch of songs that break the surface with snarling, self-deprecating wit, musings on mortality, and drugs. - Pitchfork

What the old people say:

Yes, I like it. Again, because you can hear the words.

What advice do you have for Mac?

I don’t feel that he needs to improve. It’s just about having contacts, like everything in life, it’s about being in the right place at the right time. He should get himself out and about and get on TV.

What the critics say: The Flushing-bred rapper is a regular dude with an extraordinary appetite. Over the last three years, the former chef has become hip-hop's galloping gourmet — a hyper-quotable blend of Anthony Bourdain, Big Punisher and Bam Bam Bigelow. - Rolling Stone

What the old people say:

Drake. We like Drake. Drake is our favourite.

I understand. But let’s look at Action Bronson. What do you think?

Annette: He looks like a big square blob. It makes him unbalanced having that big beard.

Listen to him rapping. What’s your advice to him?

Annette: To cover up.

Lynn: Go on a diet.

He’s a chef.

Lynn: Right, then he should know better!

Ok, but let’s talk about his music. Do you like it?

Lynn: No, he hasn’t got it. He should stick to his day job of being a chef, and then watch his diet.

Annette: If he’s a chef, can he really have a big beard like that? Won’t it get in the food?

“Drake should be a big star. Definitely. I can’t see him not being appealing to all walks of life, especially the ladies.”

“What’s his name again? Fraser? Gates? Oh yes, Drake, because of the mountains. You’d be very lucky if he was your boyfriend. I’m going to take him on holiday to the Caribbean.”

Follow Ryan on Twitter @RyanBassil

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