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12 Things That Kanye West's 'SWISH' Probably Isn't but Totally Should Be

We've spent all year wondering what 'SWISH' is going to be. For the latest Noisey G.O.O.D. Friday, here are 12 new theories.

For the month of November, Noisey will be remembering the buildup to Kanye West's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy with a weekly series of G.O.O.D. Friday posts. Welcome to Noisey G.O.O.D. Fridays.

From literally the moment the clock struck midnight to start off the year, Kanye West has spent 2015 teasing new music and some sort of album. Some people—Seth Rogan, the guy from Third Eye Blind—have even claimed to have heard the album. First it was maybe called So Help Me God. Then it was called SWISH. Now… well who knows? And the music Kanye's put out this year hasn't offered a ton in the way of hints. So, naturally, being the Kanye savants that we are here at Noisey, we've cooked up some theories as to what we might be able to expect and why it's taking so long to hear SWISH.

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An Album-Length Set of Ballads with Ty Dolla $ign

Whatever happened during Ty Dolla $ign and Kanye West’s writing session together in Mexico, it was earnest, emotional magic, as demonstrated first by “Only One” and now by “Guard Down,” off of Ty’s new album Free TC. Dad Kanye chasing trends a la Jay Z isn’t necessarily going to end well, but Dad Kanye embracing the fact that he’s washed and just making lush, heartfelt music that we can share with our own parents? Guaranteed hits for days. Some of Kanye’s best material—”Family Business,” “Hey Mama,” etc.—has always been his most cheesily sincere, so a full project of it would be beautiful. Master singer and songwriter Ty Dolla $ign is great in earnest mode, too, yet he so often limits himself to songs about sex. The two wringing the best out of each other has the makings of a classic.

A Really Overwrought Concept Album About NBA Jam

Image via Wikipedia

Boom Shakalaka! Kanye loves the 96 Bulls and likes to perform the equivalent of flaming dunks on music, which is exactly what this would be.

Synthesized Gregorian Chants

Sick artwork for All Day! It's the 13th century symbol for the Virgin Mary #SoHelpMeGod http://smarturl.it/YeezyAllDay

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Mar 3, 2015 at 8:04am PST

We’ve all seen the cover for “All Day,” which draws on a 13th century monastic image. And we’ve all seen Kanye’s fashion collections, which look sort of like things that post-apocalyptic monks would wear. But what post-apocalyptic monks listen to? SWISH, of course. What better way to round out the imagined world he’s been carefully building this year than by recreating a space-age version of the tonal chants of Gregorian monks? It’s pensive, it’s powerfully spiritual, and it’s a fitting evolution of Kanye’s own use of religious iconography. When you pray to Yeezus, it probably sounds like whatever is Hudson Mohawke’s version of Gregorian chant.

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Something That Contains a Collaboration with Burial

What’s been holding up a new Kanye album for so long? Is it that Kanye doesn’t have enough good music? Or is that it that Kanye knew his album wouldn’t be perfect until he landed one of contemporary music’s most elusive yet influential producers? Yeezus found Kanye seeking out a number of cutting edge electronic artists, so it’s not hard to see him continuing down that path. And Burial’s own music has evolved from the dark London sound that launched a million wannabe Drakes to taking a more positive, inspirational tone, not unlike Kanye’s own stripped-down “Only One.” Imagine their powers combined: They are among the musicians with the clearest vision for how to meld aesthetics with substance while also making music that people actually want to listen to. And if there were ever an artist for Burial to step out of his beatcave and make music with, Kanye would be it.

An Audio Book on How To Be Successful

Kanye already offers up inspirational quotes for free in every interview he ever does. If a bozo like Donald Trump can be a bestselling author, why the fuck hasn’t Kanye swerved into that lane yet? Do you know how many aspiring “creative directors” there are out there who would literally auction off one of their favorite Supreme pieces to hear this?

An Album with Chance the Rapper That’s Chicago as Fuck

Chance The Rapper's reaction to Kanye West shouting him out on stage. pic.twitter.com/JE2TATXy9H

— Only Hip Hop Facts (@OnlyHipHopFacts)

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July 12, 2015

Chance the Rapper has spent the year embracing his Chicago roots hard. Kanye, too, has always put on for Chicago, from rapping “I’m so Chi that they thought I was bashful” to making “Homecoming” to working with Chief Keef and King Louie to a million other things. Kids in Chicago of a certain age idolize Kanye West. But the younger ones idolize Chance and Keef. Common has done a cool job of bringing artists like Lil Herb, Lil Bibby, and Chance into his world, and Twista has been a reliable presence in helping to co-sign new talents like Chance, Tink, and Lil Durk. Kanye’s spoken highly of Chance, and he apparently almost narrated Surf, but he’s had a more global eye in recent years, so even as he’s brought Louie and Keef to Paris, he hasn’t fully united Chicago under his banner. Imagine what Kanye and Chance pairing up their contact lists and making an album with people like Mick Jenkins and Saba and Lil Bibby on it. Hotter than a few extra sides of giardiniera with your Italian beef or even your order at Harold’s.

An Ambient Album Made from the Sound of Kobe Bryant Grunts

When it comes to success Kobe Bryant only asks for “MORE” and nobody knows the meaning of MORE more than Kobe System disciple, Kanye West. And what better way to pay homage to Bryant than making an excessive three hour plus ambient odyssey filled with his very best “ughh,” “damn’s,” and the audible silence of disappointment that comes when Kobe watches you miss another shot from courtside. All while instilling in listeners, bottomless ambition and deafening levels of success and regality only attained by the Black Mamba and Yeezus. It’s a different animal and the same beast. You welcome.

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50 Minutes of Jokes with Kanye Yelling “SWISH” at the End of Each One

It’s been awhile since Kanye’s comedy glory days of the skits on College Dropout and Late Registration, and Kanye surely knows it. What better way to restore the feeling of those classics while doing something completely new than dropping an album full of jokes? And what better way to punctuate those jokes than with the spoken word equivalent of a rimshot? SWISH!

The First Album with Packaging That Doubles as a Sweatshirt

Screenshot via Yeezy Season 1 Adidas Originals store

A couple month’s ago Kanye went on record with Vanity Fair saying, “Sweatshirts are fucking important.” Who doesn’t agree with that? Yeezy is more obsessed with fashion right now than anything related to music, so it’d make sense that his next release could also keep you warm at night.

A Watch the Throne Style Album with Barack Obama

#FBF POTUS

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jan 30, 2015 at 2:47pm PST

Earlier this year, Kanye famously ended his speech at the VMAs with the proclamation that he would be running for president in 2020. It may have felt like a joke at the time, but Mr. West still hasn’t backed down from this claim. So what better way to launch his career in politics than to create a joint record with the current POTUS? What’s more is that with Obama’s recent “pop off” comments, he’s clearly ready to bring bars to the studio session.

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A Buncha Lullabies

This is what life is about! Our baby girl turned 1 today! We played so hard they passed out while we were watching the game! Happy Father's Day to the best daddy in the world! The way you love our daughter and protect her makes me filled with so much love! #BestDayEver #Twins #HappyFathersDay #HappyBirthday

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jun 15, 2014 at 7:41pm PDT

Look, Kanye’s a dad now. He’s tweeting like a dad. He’s saying in interviews how cool it is to be a dad. There’s no question that Kanye loves fatherhood, and the one thing Kanye’s been guaranteed to do throughout his career is to make music that’s completely driven by whatever he thinks is cool at that moment—and somehow make that music timeless. It may initially seem a little silly to think a collection of lullabies would be cool… but then again… maybe they would be? Maybe Kanye will deliver a collection of baby-friendly tunes for our generation.

Not Real

What if Kanye never released another album? Would he really be hurting himself that much? Would it really be that horrible to go out with a flawless track record instead of risking a bad release? Probably not!

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