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Music

The NFL Reportedly Wants Artists to Pay for the Right to Play the Super Bowl Halftime Show

Watch as Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Coldplay participate in the ultimate sport: capitalism!

Coldplay performs at the Beacon Theatre in New York / Photos by the author

When you think America, you think football. You think Johnny Manziel flipping the bird. Maybe you also think Katy Perry, Rihanna, or Coldplay. If you think that last one, I won't judge you, but I will point out that they are British and that in England football is not the same thing as it is here.

Anyway, when you think of America, you also think money: cash, co-branding, capitalism. These are American values, and they are also the Super Bowl Halftime Show's values, although they don't even begin to cover the value of the actual Super Bowl Halftime Show, which is immeasurable (these are the hearts and minds of Americans we're talking about here!).

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All of this is to say that the aforementioned acts are, according to the Wall Street Journal, the three short-listed finalists to play the Super Bowl Halftime Show, pending one small detail: The league's event organizers want the acts to pay for the privilege, possibly in the form of sharing some form of future tour revenue. This kind of makes sense: The Super Bowl Halftime Show is the most-watched television event in the country, pulling in 11 times the audience of the VMAs, as the Wall Street Journal notes. Playing the show is good advertising. Beyoncé wisely followed her 2013 performance by putting concert tickets on sale immediately afterward. Coldplay or Rihanna or Katy Perry could definitely do the same.

Now, if you're unfamiliar with the way music booking normally works, usually artists are paid to perform, and maybe they even get a few drink tickets to use at the bar. The Super Bowl Halftime Show is sponsored by Pepsi, which covers all the logistical costs of the show and, presumably, throws in a few drink tickets that can be used at the nearest Pepsi vending machine. But still, maybe you should be affronted by the fact that the NFL wants to turn the one part of the Super Bowl that is not an ad into an ad or the fact that maybe reaching the pinnacle of visibility in the arts should be worth money. Who am I to say? What is the value of money anyway? What are the values of America anyway? The three Cs, as previously discussed, duh.

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None of this is certain: "It's unclear how much money the NFL was seeking, and whether it would likely have amounted to more or less than the extra income the chosen performer might stand to generate from the exposure. No decision has been made yet and it is possible another act could be selected," the Wall Street Journal article explains. But for the time being, let's consider the options:

1. There is no fucking way on earth that the Super Bowl will not have some sort of rock band presence at half time, so the odds are that Coldplay will end up playing the show with a guest appearance by Rihanna, who already appears on the Coldplay song "Princess of China."

2. Coldplay loves co-branding and capitalism, so the odds are that Coldplay will end up playing the show with a guest appearance by Rihanna, who already appears on the Coldplay song "Princess of China."

3. Katy Perry is America's pop star, so she will end up playing the show, which hopefully means that Snoop Dogg will get to make a guest appearance at the Super Bowl but more likely means that somehow the producers will shoehorn in a Coldplay and Katy Perry mashup and Katy Perry will end up singing the parts of Rihanna, who already appears on the Coldplay song "Princess of China."

4. Coldplay, like all Brits, are still harboring latent feelings of inadequacy re: the American Revolution, so they will do everything they can to outbid their competitors and lay claim to the most American of institutions in an imperialist power move. Driving the theme of imperialism home, there will be a guest appearance by Rihanna, who already appears on the Coldplay song "Princess of China."

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5. Chris Martin nip slip. Everyone involved makes tons of money. Co-branding win!

@KyleKramer

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Can't wait until the Super Bowl? We've got plenty more Coldplay for you in the mean time:

Everything's Not Lost: Growing up with Coldplay at the Beacon Theater

The Great Coldplay Lyrics Hunt, Coldplay by Play

Do They Actually Suck?: Coldplay and the Black Eyed Peas