Kiesza Has Only Had One Boyfriend

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Kiesza

Hello Kiesza. The point of this interview is to have an amusing conversation where we possibly learn something truly profound about human nature. So I guess I’d start by asking you whether you often have amusing conversations in your everyday life?

Yeah. I think I have a lot of interesting conversations. But I tend to just go off on tangents, so…

What was the last amusing conversation you had?

Uh I was telling somebody about the time I went in search of a lake and ended up in a mud swamp and then I remember ending up on a conversation about moles. I dunno. I’m interested in a lot of different things and so these conversations just go all over.

It just wends, does it?

Yeah, we start at one point, end up somewhere completely unexpected.

Ok, well let’s see whether we can have an amusing conversation of our own. I’ve even thought of a topic this time. And it is: 3D printers. Everybody’s talking about 3D printers. So what’s your take? How do you feel?

I’ve never seen one in real life but I have this friend who’s part of my capoeira group - do you know what capoeira is?

Yeah, it’s when hippies breakdance.

Yeah… it’s a martial art that was designed so that slaves could train without their masters knowing they were training. It’s just a really fun thing to do. Anyway, a friend of mine who is part of the same group, he actually does 3D printing as a job.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

He used to just print the most random things. He would print a 3D version of his head. You can print 3D models of anything. It’s amazing what you can do with them. I was reading an article that said I think they printed a kidney or something.

Was it edible?

Nothing is, like, functioning. But it’s definitely like a prospective thing for the future and they seem to believe that they can get it right. There was a whole article about it in a science magazine, so I don’t know how validated it is.

Where were you reading this science magazine?

Uhm, I read a lot of science magazines. I’ll just pick them up and read them. I’m really into science and space and stuff, so if the magazine seems interesting, I’ll get it.

Which one? New Scientist? Nature?

All different kinds. I’m not specific to one.

Do you think Oscar Pistorius is cool for showing his feelings in court? Or do you think he should just man the fuck up and stop blubbing like a baby?

Uhm, you know… I haven’t… I guess I haven’t really. Oh yeah. That was the runner. I remember that. They never proved that story did they?

Well he’s in court. They’re trying to break him down now, on the stand. But he just keeps blubbing and it’s putting them off their stride. And I’m wondering if it’s cool that he keeps crying, like is it very post-Diana, post-Gazza, or should he just put on his big boy pants?

That’s a really hard thing for me to comment on. Because I don’t know the truth about the story I can read the press, but um… if he’s crying in the courtroom I can’t tell him he shouldn’t cry because I really don’t know the scenario.

I guess it depends on your opinion on shooting people through doors.

Yeah, he shot through a closed door right?

Very much so, everyone is agreed on that. Anyway, there’s this prosecutor, called Gerrie Nel, and some people are flagging him up as an unlikely sex symbol, because he talks gruff and he’s little like Al Pacino. Do you think he’s tasty?

I don’t know what he looks like.

Google him…

How do you spell that. Ok, hang on… Ok, I personally am not drawn to him as a sex symbol. I haven’t read up on his a lot. I guess I could see why some people think he’s attractive. But for me, I’m not looking at him and going…

Your loins aren’t on fire?

Definitely not.

But generally, do you think short men can be sexy?

It’s got nothing to do with his height; I’m just looking at his face right now. Yes of course short men can be sexy.

A lot of women are quite particular about a man’s height. They are heightist, to be blunt.

There are heightists. But there are people who aren’t heightists. I see short men dating tall women all the time.

Well how many shorter boyfriends have you had?

Uh, I’ve only ever had one boyfriend.

How old are you?

I’m 25.

And you’ve only had one boyfriend?

One real serious relationship. The thing is, I was so into my passions through my teenage years. I look at men and I find men attractive, but I just thought I was too young to settle down. I wasn’t the kind of girl who went chasing after boyfriends.

So let’s get back to this amusing conversation, then, shall we? Tech stocks. Do you think they’re overvalued?

Text what?

You know. Apple. Google. Facebook. We’ve seen a lot of selling-off of tech stocks in recent weeks. Are we seeing a 2000-style dotcom crash here? Is the fundamental mismatch between revenues and equity about to upturn the apple cart?

Really? I’ve been doing such solid press this week I haven’t had a chance to read. Really so they’re going down?

Right down the shitter.

Oh no! I guess that’s not a good thing.

I guess not.

Uhm, I would have to sit down and do my research tonight. Would you be able to email me that question? And then I’ll answer it for you tonight.

Yeah why not. What’s your email address?

(She gives me her email address)

Ok, will do.

I like to get different angles. I’m one of those heavy researchers. I’ll get an opinion and then I’ll have to get my own opinion too. I like to second-guess myself.

So you have two opinions on everything?

Well ya know I was part of a debate team at school. So you’ve gotta cover all angles.

I really appreciate the effort.

Sometimes I don’t really wanna answer something if I don’t really know anything about it. So a question like this is something that interests me, but I’d rather have an informed opinion, so I want to look into it and get back to you.

You seem very methodical. Are you very methodical?

Uh… I guess.

Well, do you keep the cap on the toothpaste tube?

Yes.

Well do you keep all of your shoes arranged in neat rows?

When I think about it, yes. But at the same time, I have moments when I’ll just toss my sweater on the bed and then put it away later.

Throwing caution to the wind with a sweater-bed-toss?

I wouldn’t say I’m methodical to the extreme. But I’d say I’m very disciplined.

I envy you that.

Sadly, despite sending a follow-up email saying “Thanks! I'll try to look it up tonight when I'm finished work”, Kiesza’s response never arrived. She has sold over 80,000 records already this week and is sure to be number one on Sunday. After slumping 6%, Facebook’s share price rallied later in the week.

Follow Gavin Haynes on Twitter: @Gavhaynes

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