Here’s What You Should do if You’re Annoyed Kanye West is Headlining Glastonbury

These are tough times.

17 March 2015, 3:21pm


These are tough times. Yes, we may have been granted a lot of good things in life so far: summoning chauffeurs using our personal telephones, drying our piss-soaked hands in milliseconds with the Dyson Airblade - things which remind us life is more than the sum of its parts. But that’s not good enough. People want more.

Kanye West’s been announced as a headliner at Glastonbury and the freedom fighters of the internet are, assumingly, annoyed. So much so they’ve started a petition. “We spend hundreds of pounds to attend Glasto”, it reads, “and by doing so, we want a certain level of entertainment. Kanye West is a living insult”. So, in line with the festival’s storied relationship of booking diverse artists, they’re petitioning the Eavis family to do the right thing and find a more apt replacement.

Alongside the petition, hoardes of people seem to be affected.

It's not just the general public that've been hurt by the disaster, either. Our country's celebrity elite are in excruciating pain. It's basically an epidemic.

You’ve got to feel for these guys. Not only do they fall into the same Venn diagram of catastrophe that’s been affected by the grave loss of Jeremy Clarkson, their ability to find some form of entertainment across Glastonbury’s mega-load of stages, circuses, massage parlors, and holes-into-wonderland has been deterred. They’ve booked a week off work, they’ve spent hundreds of pounds, they’ve performed grievous bodily harm to a keyboard to secure a ticket. Some have even booked flights. And Kanye West’s fucked it. The weekend is now a scarce, barren wasteland.

I get these guys are upset. With petitions and the like going on, we all are. But there’s a way out of the madness. If you can’t face going to Glastonbury because two of the weekend’s one-hundred-and-twenty hours will be taken up by Kanye West, we want to help you. Either sell your ticket - and go through the rigmarole of cancelling holiday dates, unbooking flights, losing deposits, going mad from hearing hold music - or heed the following advice:

Look at all these people having fun.

Do you want an experience just like them? It’s entirely within your grasp. You just need to complete the following step. Pull your hershey-soaked face out the arse long enough to see Glastonbury’s line-up includes hundreds of other artists over countless stages and go seek them out. Do you know how hard it’s going to be to get to the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night? You’d have to tredge across site and push through thousands of people to get a spot, just to stand there and moan about it. And you call Kanye stubborn.

Don’t watch Kanye West. Remember that there are people in the world who don’t want Coldplay to headline for a fourth time.


You can find Ryan Bassil on Twitter: @RyanBassil