Spinning Arseholes: The Voice UK, Episode Nine

Like a nauseating coldsore that refuses to budge, this weekend played host to week nine of seemingly endless wailing competition The Voice - where, despite enduring two months of the program, there are still 28 acts left in the competition. Twenty. Eight.

Next weekend is a double bill – “Hooray!” I hear literally no one cry – where the emotionally-drained, battery farmed hopefuls will be removed from their cages, culled down to twelve and set loose into the free range luxury of the live shows (which presumably will last for another ten weeks, bringing the total series length to over four months, or half the gestation period for an actual human child).

For now, let’s look back at this weekend’s two hour slog of bitching, crying and will.i.am making analogies about nunchucks in space or something with a handy recap of the episode’s most ludicrous and stomach-turning quotes.

“If you want the rock god you saw first time round, now is the chance to take me”

Forgive me if I’ve misplaced my handy copy of Rock God 101, I think Alex Turner might have used it in a ritual burning ceremony at the Brit Awards, but last time I checked playing an 8pm set at the Camden Barfly a couple of months ago and tossing your hair about like a danisnotonfire spoof of a Loreal commercial does not a rock god make. Luckily, all that bravado should at least see unexpected Voice loser Jamie Lovatt through the next few months as his band are mercilessly mocked for not even being able to sell out successfully.

“He’s turned from a trainee solicitor into a risk taker”

Ricky Wilson's failure to grasp the concept of change is a fact proven by his bullish determination to stay rooted firmly in 2006. Here, his utterly meaningless critique is admirable if only for its complete lack of any point. Other options he could have gone for included “He’s turned from a man wearing a grey t shirt into someone allergic to cheese”, “He’s turned from an agoraphobic crackhead into a man with size 10 shoes” or “He’s turned from a contestant on my team into someone who’s fucked it up and is going home”. Oh wait, maybe the last one could have worked.

“It’s time for a jazz battle”

Are there two more harrowing words in the English language that could be put together than “jazz" and " battle”? The sound of walking through Camden at 9 on a Thursday, waiting for a bus that will never arrive, outside a pub where two 40-something year old men on the dole scat woefully over a crumpled old dude playing saxophone, vocally wanking into a forlorn leather flatcap as one lone punter props up the bar, nursing the same pint of Guiness until he dies.

“It would be harder if we were friends, but neither of us are bothered if the other goes home”

That’s more like it. Ignoring the fact that, in order to win a competition largely determined by a public vote, you have to at least try and disguise the fact that you’re a bit of a cold bitch, these two couldn’t even be arsed to try and fake a smile and coo over how totes amaze the other person’s dress is. Unfortunately for Georgia, aka “I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it and I really don’t want to play up to it at all because I’m so my own person but I’M ADELE THE FAMOUS POP STAR’S COUSIN DID YOU HEAR????”, chances are no one is gonna be that bothered if she goes home either.

“That song launched a massive career and it’ll do the same for whoever Kylie puts through”

“That song” was "Baby One More Time" by millionaire, former-double denim loving unstable pop princess Britney Spears. Now, while we couldn’t bet against either of the acts having a meltdown, shaving their hair off and driving recklessly with a baby in the near future, we’d almost certainly stick a fiver on at Paddy Power to say that this performance probably isn’t going to turn whoever Kylie puts through into an international superstar and power couple flame of JT.

Actually, make it a tenner.

The Voice continues next Saturday with the knock out rounds, where the contestants are forced to watch videos of Mike Tyson all week and then pitted in intense bouts of physical combat until only the ones with the best right hooks remain. Or something.

Follow Lisa on Twitter: @LisaAnneWright