“VICE dot com is wack I could eat a burger better than them any day.”
Glastonbury is a temporary city of many faces. Balding men and their wine-drinking spouses; teenage girls dusted in glitter; wreckheads stumbling their way along the old railway track; carnival operators, world-class DJs, farmers, security guards, Liverpudlians, Bristolians, international jet-setters and druids – they've all come together for the year's greatest party. United, they are, through shared passion for music, the arts, global change, welfare and – perhaps above everything – talking a load of shit. A tremendously wet and slippery torrent of shit.
Here are some of the things we overheard at this year's festival:
"He said he would have the helicopter here, it's not fucking here, and now I'm going to have a tantrum."
"If we chill here then we don't get laid."
"I'm planning a meeting."
"See ya Theresa. Just shut the door on your way out."
"He thought his phone was a banana."
"Bruh, this road is like a sandstorm."
"I can't wait to Instagram, can you?"
"Take the guitars of white people, Jesus Christ."
"Is Dougie from McFly a blogger now?"
"VICE dot com is wack I could eat a burger better than them any day."
"If someone's not dressed up as the Babadook I don't even know what I'm here for."
Upon seeing the police: "Imagine paying your taxes to watch people sit on horses and do fuck all."
"Can we go via the toilets I need to do a small egg poo."
"You look drunk and dirty and that's good because so am I." – Halsey
"Vaginas, vaginas, vaginas."
"You're like Jesus on a bender."
"Yes! He touched me in the piss flaps!"
"I think I'm Whitney Houston."
"There's no left and right anymore, just banter and banterless."
"You keep saying you had a mad night but it sounds like you just stood about rolling your eyes at each other."
"It'd be cool to get a photo with Nick Grimshaw."
"I just want to get back to the tent and wipe myself off."
"Tom Chaplin was seriously impressive, seriously."
"I'm dyslexic can you spell 'filth' for me."
"You look like one of those deep sea creatures Attenborough is always chatting about."
"Wake up: Corbyn isn't the messiah."
"Deaf Havana? *blows raspberries*"
Guy: "[About VICE] I swear down man, you made me look stupid as fuck."
Friend: "Mate. You made yourself look stupid as fuck."
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(Photo by Jake Lewis)