A Noisey roundtable.
Four years ago, a colleague of mine at a newspaper in the Pacific Northwest had to attend a dating event for single Mormons. The mixer for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints's 22nd Annual Portland Regional Single Adult Conference was held on a boat on the Willamette River and, though readers had sent him there to write about his Worst Night Ever, he had a perfectly pleasant evening. One observation that he made has stuck with me. Under the header, "Some Overly Generalized But Still Fairly Reliable Things You Might Not Have Known About Mormons," Erik Henriksen wrote: "They are prettier than you. They don't drink alcohol or coffee. They don't smoke. They go to bed at reasonable hours. Those are three things that have an incredible affect on one's physical appearance."
I think of this every so often. At least part of my job involves blogging about Brandon Flowers, who is an Extremely Handsome Mormon. Despite 14 years of touring, playing shows, making records, travelling endlessly, and being surrounded by vices, Flowers looks younger than me, a man ten years his junior. I admire this in him, the same way that I admire anything that defies laws of nature. Brandon Flowers is an aesthetic and scientific marvel.
This came up once again this morning when Noisey's Managing Editor, Leslie Horn, compared Flowers to former James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan. When this was met with outrage, she doubled down, telling us that "Pierce Brosnan is actually Brandon Flowers's dad." This take seemed profoundly unreasonable at first glance, but the logic was there: Brosnan, at 64, looks very good for his age; he, like Flowers, can pull off a tuxedo; both men have impressive hairlines.
Despite all this, the Brosnon-Flowers comparison stoked tensions between Noisey writers on both sides of the Atlantic. In the heat of the moment, we decided that the best and most noble solution was to share these takes with the world. So, I asked a simple question to the four Noisey staff members debating this most fiercely: Does Brandon Flowers Look Like Pierce Brosnan?
You can read their answers below. —Alex Robert Ross
Leslie Horn, Managing Editor, proud discoverer of the similarity between Flowers and Brosnon: I just want to say that I am the person who noticed that these two look alike and now everyone is convinced. The resemblance is uncanny. They are hot dads of the same ilk but from different generations. Pierce Brosnan is old enough to be Brandon Flowers' dad. His very hot dad. Maybe he is and Brandon flowers was actually just raised by some very nice Las Vegas Mormons. We'll never know.
Lauren O'Neill, News Writer, Brandon Flowers enthusiast: Honestly this year is just full of shit and Nazis and shit and the only good thing, like a tiny glimmer of light at the end of an exceptionally dark tunnel, was The Re-Emergence of Brandon 'Sexy' Flowers. Back in June, when The Killers released the video for "The Man," I genuinely believe that the World's Hottest Mormon™ sent straight women and gay men into a blissful, collective orgasm, and for that, we honour him. For a few short moments, as he dicked around in a tuxedo and pretended to shoot a gun and kneaded a steak, and engaged in other such traditionally masculine pursuits, Brandon Flowers made the world hurt a little less, because we were all thinking about being thrown up against the wall by his lean yet muscular arms and… OK sorry I know, it's a music blog.
Anyway, the suggestion that he looks anything like Pierce "Mamma Mia!" Brosnan or Tom "Sofa Jumper" Cruise is completely fucking harshing the buzz that I very much require for daily survival, and I would go as far as to call it sexist against women. Thank you.
Tiffany Wines, Noisey Intern, Pop Culture Scholar for years 2003-2009
Does Brandon Flowers look like Pierce Brosnan? At first glance the resemblance is at the very least, vaguely present, if not glaringly obvious. Between the dark, slicked hair, sly smiles, and immaculately tailored suits both men have become known for throughout their respective careers – there's a solid case to be made. However, upon closer examination, I posed a question in response to the question: do they really look alike, or are they both just well-dressed white men? And in asking the question, I found the answer.
Annalise Domenighini, Social Media Editor, Conspiracy Theorist and Internet connoisseur
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