A Ranking of Snakes Better Than Taylor Swift

Snakes are terrifying, enthralling creatures. They have no legs, so they slither. They can shed their skin, which is actually cool but also horrifying. Snakes can absolutely kill you, depending on the type: some snakes can wrap around you until your bones break and you can't breathe OR bite you, poisoning you with venom, and then it's just darkness. Snakes don't fuck around.

Why do snakes matter right now? Because Taylor Swift—sometimes known as a snake, by Instagram commenters and #TaylorSwiftIsASnake on Twitter, which is pretty wild considering the description above—has been releasing glitchy clips of a snake for the past week. Swift just announced her new record, Reputation, which will be out in November, and last night she released the dark, petty single "Look What You Made Me Do." Based on the Reputation cover art and the track, it is a fair assumption that Swift is directly confronting her critics and the people (Kim Kardashian West, Kanye West, and literally everyone on the internet) who have called her a snake—turning that vitriol into a powerful life source. It is truly what all good villains do. Even in the clip for the song's video (to be premiered this Sunday at the MTV Video Music Awards) there is a shot of a hand decked out in gaudy snake rings, meaning she isn't gonna let this shit go.

But honestly though? Taylor Swift is not the best snake in pop culture or ever. She isn't! And instead of speculating her as a snake and blah blah bah, here is a handy, official ranking of other, important snakes that have appeared in pop culture and the world.

You had to know that this is where we were going to start.

His character is actually named Archie Simpson but Snake is way better and cooler because he's the dweeb of the show? Anyway, he's an alum of Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High who, would you believe it, also appeared on Degrassi: Next Generation.

This snake wants you dead.

Late 50s CGI is still scary af.

Dunno why you needed so many, dude, but you do you.

The hero we deserve, but unfortunately not a real snake.

Yet another rock 'n' roller with a snake but Alice Cooper is metal enough to bring it onstage.

That motherfucker was 20 feet away and I saw my life flash before my eyes.

Blue, Medusa tresses full of futuristic snakes plus one giant icy one wrapping around Azaelia's throne? Okay.

A dopey, sneaky iconic sidekick from Disney's Robin Hood.

Jurassic Park… did… not cover this.

Who DOESN'T fucking hate snakes too!

You ready to gamble??????

If this scene from the Jungle Book didn't frighten you as a child, were you even alive?

Jennifer Lopez's greatest enemy is not, in fact, Ben Affleck but this terrifying, sentient motherfucker who lives in a swamp.

An exceptionally quick way to solve any problem is to present someone with a real live snake and they will definitely see your side and agree with you forever.

Want to stop someone from beating you to the top? Say no more. Make sure a snake is in their way.

Ghost snakes >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> everything else.

A loyal beast to Voldemort, Nagini was super ready to eat or scare anyone at truly any time.

Nothing but respect for my president (this giant yellow python.)

Sarah is deathly afraid of snakes. Follow her on Twitter.

Files from Phil Witmer and Devin Pacholik. They are on Twitter too.