The Tom Delonge Wikileaks Conspiracy Goes Deeper Than We Thought
Don't Blink 182wice, it's time for even more game theory.
Photo by Rebecca Sapp/WireImage / Screenshot via Wikileaks
Last week, I used the magic properties of game theory to deduce that Tom DeLonge is an integral cog in the machine that takes in stray bits of information and converts it into mind-expanding, always correct theories about Donald Trump and the Russians. After my piece went live, I received text messages from my readers offering such feedback as, "I have never been more woke in my life"; "That Tom DeLonge thing is satire, right?"; and "You left your number at the end of an article I read while stoned so I texted you." Clearly, Tom DeLonge MUST know something we don't, otherwise he wouldn't be tweeting this much. But the overwhelming question that was left in my readers' minds was, "Who in the intelligence community is feeding Tom DeLonge information that he is then feeding to fringe-y conspiracy theorist quasi-journalists?"
Well, fellow patriots, I have once again dipped my ladle of truth down into the game theory well and come up with yet another dollop of raw, uncut citizen journalism. Some of the real good shit, the type of stuff the MSM (mainstream media) would never tell you because they're scared that the real facts might start a revolution. But because I won't be the first Millard of my line to spill blood for America and the right side of history and never the last, you fuckers, I have decided to share my findings with you all. Let us begin.
First off, we should all remember that Tom DeLonge is super into increasing public awareness as to the truth about aliens, to the point that he was recently named UFO Researcher of the Year for his contributions to the field of UFO stuff. In his acceptance speech, he referenced his Wikileaked (Is this a word? Let's go ahead and say this is a word.) emails to John Podesta, the former Hillary Clinton campaign chairman who himself is pretty into UFO stuff. When Noisey first reported on the emails, it was to update all the fine folks online about how Tom DeLonge is obsessed with aliens now. But in light of my report last week, those emails are worth revisiting, because they reveal DeLonge's serious Deep State connections that allow him access to the most top secret and sensitive of information that could be the silver bullet that slays the 3D chessmaster that is Donald Trump.
As we all know, any good researcher always consults the raw intelligence when developing a theory too hot for the MSM to touch, so let's consult DeLonge's emails to Podesta.
On September 24, 2015, Tom DeLonge sent the following email to John Podesta:
DeLonge followed up a month later, saying:
According to further leaked emails, DeLonge and Podesta had a meeting via Google Hangouts on January 25, 2015. It must have been important, because somebody taught Podesta how to use Google Hangouts on his iPad in order to talk to him. In the flurry of follow-up emails that DeLonge sent to Podesta, he mentioned he'd enlisted the help of General William McCasland, the former commander of the Air Force Research Laboratory, in helping him hone his message to the youth:
DeLonge's last known outreach to Podesta occurred on March 12 of last year. "I hope you get my emails and I hope I am not bugging you," he wrote in an email which also found him claiming he'd sold a documentary series about UFOs to VICE.*
Information that's not appropriate for others to see? Dinners with Commanding Officers at the Air Force Space Command?? "Important" people who were in charge of most fragile divisions, as it relates to Classified Science and DOD topics??? Tom DeLonge palling around with the General who was in charge of the exact laboratory where they shipped Roswell when it crashed???? What does it all mean?????
Folks, I'll tell you what it all means. Tom DeLonge is using the same Deep State connections he cultivated to learn the truth about aliens to obtain highly classified, A-Level Shit about Trump and the Russians and seeding it to leading Trumpspiracist expert Louise Mensch. This is bigger than we could have ever imagined. The truth has been staring us straight in the face, but we were too busy looking up into the sky trying to find a UFO to notice it's been right there all along.
I reached out to Louise Mensch seeking comment as to whether DeLonge was one of the sources she consulted for her site's one million percent absolutely slam-dunkaroo true report that Trump had been secretly indicted and its equally accurate follow-up story asserting that the House Judiciary Committee was "considering Articles of Impeachment against the President of the United States." She responded, via Twitter DM, "He follows me on Twitter. Nothing else." I think we can all agree that these words speak volumes.
The truth has been staring us straight in the face, but we were too busy looking up into the sky trying to find a UFO to notice it's been right there all along.
I then emailed noted strategic intelligence analyst Eric Garland asking if he wanted to do some game theory explaining why Tom DeLonge might be the guy with all the information about Trump and the Russians at his fingertips, and if so, what he should do with it. He didn't respond, so I decided to rewrite Garland's infamous "game theory" tweetstorm to be about Tom DeLonge, as we all can agree that wherever it leads it us, the truth is probably there:
ACTOR ANALYSIS: Tom DeLonge enters the Game with a broad objective, flexible tactics, and several acceptable outcomes. DeLonge's interests have been, for many years now, the cultivation of sources inside the Deep State, principally those with information about UFOs, but any will do. This cultivation can take many forms: hanging out with generals, frequently appearing on Coast to Coast AM, writing the song "Aliens Exist." This game has been developing for many years, is asymmetrical, and much cheaper than getting a PhD and learning about how the universe actually works. Plus, DeLonge f**king rules at writing songs. Always has. Ask anybody who bought Dude Ranch. Mucho respect for that guy. He did clever work!
Post-Blink 182, he's reduced to Drunk Uncle status in the global balance of pop-punk. Mouthy, smart, degraded, much reduced in stature. Tom DeLonge as *a person* is civilized, artistic, enamored of conspiracy theories and riffs, and generally proud. While the rest of his bandmates were frivolous and lazy and "Pop-Punk Godfathers," DeLonge took advantage of the historical moment. And here begins our present story.
Let's skip ahead to "Wikileaks." BRILLIANT. Casually insert references to your highly classified Deep State contacts into emails to a guy whose hard drive got stolen and dumped to foreign agents?
MEANWHILE, AT THE BUDDYHEAD FORUMS: The other part of this impressive op is percolating—the buttress of the Pop-Punk Revival. ONCE UPON A TIME, Green Day did a song with acoustic guitars, and the notion of the Pop-Punk Sellout was born. See, because "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" became a hit, that meant that all punx were sell-outs. Thursday! NOFX! Traitors! And so the pop-punk hate begins. Never mind that to get a 12 year-old into The Descendents, somebody's first gotta send you a Pennywise song on the radio or whatevs: Anything Vaguely Pop-Punk Is Bad.
Now, it's true, Fat Mike and Dan Andriano don't always see the world like Johnny House Show in Missouri. True facts. But. Trouble.
Real Punks decide to create a whole new wave of bands and labels in the 2010s dedicated to Real Pop Punk. These bands are DIY, but some are quite good. Hotelier in particular. Into It. Over It. came up with what's now Emo Revival. Balance and Composure...ehhh. 2 outta 3.
But then the media play comes in. The cranky Warped Tour lifers of the Best Buy Bargain Bin get… a makeover. They become legitimate. Embraced. Labels start investing in bands. The whole "Emo Night" thing happens. And it's more successful than free chicken and beer. The money flows, the streams swell. Martin Shkreli secretly funds a punk label in Brooklyn.
Now, we've got a really, reaaaally fertile field in which Blink 182 can make a long play and become cool again. The guys who once rocked teens from San Diego to Sao Paolo get back to work building an "alt" brand for their band, WITHOUT Tom DeLonge.
Amazing scenario for DeLonge—instead of actually having to be in Blink, he gets to use his punk credentials to leverage institutional influence. He butters the Deep State up. Hell, to hear many tell of it, he has kompromat on them. He was their soundtrack in 2003 when they had bleach-blonde spiky hair. He has a lever. IF on the off chance, aliens actually (and who could guess this) exist, then… wow, DeLonge's got quite an opening. Either way, on the run-up to Nov 2016, DeLonge's involvement was about as subtle as the lyrics on "Adam's Song."
Scroll up on my post for details.
The US IC had its hair on fire. This situation was incredibly dangerous. A paranoid aging rocker with ties to Louise Mensch.
OK, Jesus, at LONG LAST, back to my initial premise. If Tom DeLonge knows something about Donald Trump that we don't, why doesn't he just show us his evidence?
JESUS, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
You come out and expose your CIA contacts as goddamn pop-punk nerds? True or not, we look like some weird cryptofascist state run by celebrity and nostalgia. Or, you let people laugh and taunt and troll you on Twitter with majillions of posts about your idiocy? Do you tell America the secret thing about Trump and the Russians that General McCasland told you so his grandson would think he was cool? If you think any of this is easy, you're delusional and probably don't even own a single seven-inch.
Punk as we know it came from Marquee Moon and Bad Brains and Lou Reed and zines and dudes making speeches between songs that were longer than the songs themselves. Punk is all these things, and should yet another Tom DeLonge conspiracy theory, about aliens or Donald Trump, spring forth from it, it will be far from the end.
*Non-satirical footnote: I was curious about whether or not this actually happened, because I would have watched the shit out of a documentary series about aliens starring Tom DeLonge. After doing some digging, my dude David in the Communications Department secured the following statement for me:
A show on aliens starring Tom DeLonge was pitched to a VICELAND producer but never advanced to the development phase. As to any larger conspiracy involving Tom DeLonge, a wise man once said, "We all know conspiracies theories are dumb."
Future Days is a weekly column by Drew Millard. If you agree or disagree with what he writes, feel free to text him at 828-675-8574.
Drew Millard used to work at Noisey, but now he doesn't, so now he has this column. He lives in North Carolina with his dog. Follow him on Twitter