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An Investigation Into Who Drake Can Convince to Play for the Toronto Raptors

The Beige Gawd has clearly proven that he can lead the Toronto Raptors to victory, but what will he be able to do for the team in the offseason?

For someone who declared he was on his worst behaviour, Aubrey Graham has been relatively tame compared to his Canadian counterparts Rob Ford and Justin Bieber. True, it’s not hard to seem tame relative to a crack-doing mayor and the last rockstar alive, but I like to give credit where credit is due. It seems like just yesterday the Internet was making fun of Drake — probably because the Internet is a brooding ball of anger that hates everything — but now he’s a pop culture icon who does generally baller shit. Honestly, is there anything cooler than Drake’s life? He’s dating Rihanna, but still said Jennifer Lawrence could get it on a song talking about knowing Somali hitmen and getting brunch with Qatari royals.

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Through the wild ride that is Drake’s existence, one thing has remained constant: His love for Toronto. “All I care about is money and the city that I’m from,” has become a manifesto of sorts for how Drake lives his life. Everything he does comes with the intent of acquiring wealth — for himself and his crew — and putting on for his city, which are both major reasons so many people fuck with him. For someone like myself who doesn’t feel attached to the city I grew up in, it’s cool seeing someone genuinely care about their roots, fiercely loyal to their Houstalantavegastuckyronto upbringing.

So, when Drake partnered with the Toronto Raptors to start the 2013 season, it was a sign of good things to come. The Raptors are cool and relevant again, expanding their #brand outside of the confines of the Canadian border. They’re in the playoffs for the first time since the Chris Bosh era and the team is good enough to do some damage in an abhorrent Eastern conference. This isn’t entirely Drake’s doing — the Raptors’ organization deserves their credit, mainly for getting rid of Rudy Gay — but Drake’s presence is apparent. He’s charismatic, marketable and influential enough to be a recruiting asset. Now that the NBA regular season is coming to a end and organizations are plotting their offseason moves, there’s no better time than now to imagine who Drake could realistically bring to the Raptors this summer.

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Coaching Staff
Thanks to the efforts of the Raptors’ front office — specifically Masai Ujiri, who is an actual sorcerer — the Raptors are poised for success in the playoffs. Dwane Casey has done a fantastic job at coaching this year; however, there will always be someone that is better than you at your job or more loved by Drake. If the Raptors want to become championship contenders, they’ll have to do it by firing Dwane Casey and his staff. This may seem absurd — it’s fairly standard practice to not fire a relatively successful coach after they lead a team to the playoffs — but Aubrey doesn’t play by the same rules as the rest of the NBA.

Drake has always been a fan of the Kentucky Wildcats; the Kentucky Wildcats’ coach, John Calipari, has always been a fan of Drake. This is a match made in heaven. Not only is there already chemistry between the two, but Calipari is a damn good coach, with a 551-172 record overall. Now that the Raptors have a new coach, they need assistant coaches: Steve Nash and Birdman. Steve Nash is Canadian and played basketball professionally, so that makes him perfectly qualified. Birdman is a perfect human being and once said, “Young Money, Cash Money we the champions,” which is the exact mentality the Raptors need.

Brandon Jennings
Here’s a little-known fact about myself: An extensive, highly reputable piece of journalism I wrote is the first result when you Google “Brandon Jennings Drake.” If your trust of my qualifications to write this article was wavering, let that quell your troubled spirit. It’s a known fact Brandon Jennings loves OVO and the crew. In fact, there’s an innumerable amount of evidence pointing to Brandon Jennings actually being in love with OVO and the crew, but that’s neither here nor there. Owners, GMs, coaches and global ambassadors want dedicated players and Brandon Jennings would lay down his life to protect Drake, which, transitively, means the Raptors. What more could you ask for?

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Johnny Manziel
Johnny Manziel aka Johnny Football aka Money Manziel is a legend in the making. He’s a transcendent football player who loves hip-hop culture (without being like Macklemore) and he gives nary a fuck about your opinion of his life. The main criticism of Manziezus is he’s too short to compete at the next level, but his height didn’t stop him from dunking on a regulation basketball hoop. Factor in his love for Drake and Johnny Football could become Johnny Basketball overnight. Sure, he might not be talented enough to play in the NBA; however, I’m certain Manzivelli’s better than Rudy Gay.

Kevin Durant
The 2013-14 season has been a weird period of time for Kevin Durant. On one hand, he’s cemented his place as the second best player in the NBA and he’s on pace to win his first MVP, barring LeBron doing LeBron things. On the other, KD’s Internet clout — which is more important than real life accomplishments — has plummeted; nearing swagger-less levels. God, look at that Vine. Lil B placed the BasedGod’s curse on KD in 2012 and he’s turned into the Guy Fieri of NBA players.

Speaking of Lil B, self-titled “professional basketball player” Kevin Durant won’t even play Internet deity Lil B the BasedGod in a game of one-on-one? KD is a good foot and a half taller and likely more talented than Lil B at basketball. KD would clearly be the favourite against Brandon in a game of one-on-one, so why won’t he play our based lord and saviour? We may never find the answer. The only way for Kevin to rectify his Internet reputation is to sign with a team associated with God’s darkest angel, Aubrey Graham. Only then will the BasedGod’s curse be lifted; only then will Kevin Durant be allowed to thrive.

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The Big Three
This seems improbable, but if you’re a zealous follower of our wisest sage, Jaden Smith, like I am, you know nothing is ever as it seems. Drake has been spotted numerous times at Miami HEAT games and people have questioned why. “He’s from Toronto, why’s he at a Miami HEAT game?” they likely asked. When Drake was spotted partying with Miami after they won the championship last year, people thought he was betraying the great nation of Canada.

No, this was all part of his larger plan: The Big Three are coming to Toronto this offseason. You might question if the Raptors can afford to sign all of these players, but please never forget the OVO owl pendant is worth more than tangible money. The owl pendant can bring you diplomatic immunity, excusing you from any crime. You’re telling me a sane person would turn down a get out of jail free strigiformes pendant? I think not. Roll out the red carpet because the Heatles just became the Heatragically Hips. Also, when Drake has his release party for So Far Gone in Toronto, Lebron came out to host it, so they're literal BFFs.

Amir Johnson
Everyone needs glue guys — white people wouldn’t have careers in any professional sports without the demand for guys who “work hard” and “stay after practice.” I’m not calling Amir Johnson a glue guy [ed note: I am] but relative to the other potential Raptors signings, he’s not exactly a stud. He’s an above-average defender, sure. He’s an efficient scorer; no one will deny that. He can set a mean screen and he hustles. Amir Johnson is the quintessential rotation player and that’s just what the Raptors need next year. It shouldn’t be hard for Drake to recruit a guy who has already experienced the Aubrey regime. If nothing else, Amir can be the designated person to fetch Drake a Gatorade when he rings via walkie-talkie.

There you have it, folks, the OVORaptors are going to be transcendent next season. Ideally, the Raptors will keep Kyle Lowry, DeMar Derozen, Terrence Ross and Jonas Valančiūnas this offseason. With the addition of Brandon Jennings, Johnny Manziel, Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Amir Johnson, the OVORaptors are poised for a title run. Will they lose a game next season? I doubt it. Could they be the best team in NBA history? Seems like motherfuckers should be shuttin' the hell up and enjoyin' the show.

Photo courtesy of @wtevs

Alex Hancock is the Craig Sager of the owl family, @hancxck