Some people turn to spirituality for guidance. Others turn to self-help books, the arrangement of planets in the cosmos, or daytime television. We, personally, turn to the many queens of RuPaul's Drag Race. In all their class, cinching, contouring and skill sets beyond all reasonable comprehension, RuPaul's queens are more than entertainers. They are artistes; innovators of taste, benefactors of pleasure and spillers of tee. They are the great philosophers of our time. When they lip sync for their lives they are, in fact, graciously providing sustenance for the rest of us as well.
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Unsurprisingly, many of these iconic givers of life have wound up in the music industry at some point, blessing the world with all manner of emotions and messages that can only truly be communicated by men who look better in thigh-high boots than Kylie Minogue. So we decided to rank their music careers, which was a ridiculous idea because they are all perfect. We've inevitably missed a few, because there have been well over one hundred contestants and we didn't want to die writing this, but we've done our best. You can safely assume that we spent most of the day screaming.When I was 12, a good mate of mine stood up in class, unprompted, and burst into an extremely serious and screechy a cappella rendition of Hilary Duff's "What Dreams Are Made Of" from The Lizzie McGuire Movie, just to impress this guy who wore Colgate-coloured tracksuits every single day of the week. It wasn't bad, but it definitely wasn't good either, and the whole experience left me with a weird range of emotions: pity, then intense guilt for the pity, then a deep discomfort and annoyance for the discomfort, then protectiveness, then fondness, then pity again.These feelings were once again brought to the surface every time Phi Phi O'Hara opened her mouth on Drag Race season four, and emitted the sound of a deranged Disney princess, but with an expression that did not know it. As this clip from All Stars two will remind you, the girl did not have the range. She thought she had the range, but she did not have the range. That said, all the music she's released since has been coated in so much damn auto-tune, someone could probably tell me she is La Roux and I'd be like, "wow great new direction for La Roux!"
17. PHI PHI O'HARA
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16. SHANGELA LAQUIFA
15. LAGANJA ESTRANJA
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14. THE HEATHERS
13. COURTNEY ACT
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12. JINKX MONSOON
11. MISS FAME
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10. RAJA GEMINI
9. WILLAM BELLI
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8. DETOX ICUNT
7. PEARL LIAISON
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6. VIOLET CHACHKI
5. BOB THE DRAG QUEEN
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4. ALYSSA EDWARDS
3. SHARON NEEDLES
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Her most recent, "Hollywouldn't" is visually a one-woman "Sissy That Walk" but I'm absolutely fine with that to be honest; it's so perfectly choreographed she even blinks in time with the beat. Dissecting the glamour and tragedy of fame in a way Lana Del Rey could never, it's darkly pop in a way that would make it ideal for one of those philosophical-but-not-really car adverts, which is impressive considering Needles wanted it to sound like "a murdered 16-year-old teenage virgin at the bottom of a pond that would never be found". Name me one other person who could straddle the line between Morticia Addams and Laura Palmer so perfectly tucked and I will show you a liar.Adore Delano is the Katy Perry we never had. From the second she walked onto season six with the words: "My name is Adore Delano, I'm 23 years old and I'm a fucking Libra" to the second she walked onto All Stars two with the words: "My name is Adore Delano and I'm a messy slut", she has been a beautiful, sloppy punk Barbie trying to have a good time while screaming about her "hog body".Every time Adore Delano is on camera is an outstanding moment. "DTF" is the only song anyone really needs about cheap, nasty laundromat sex; "Dynamite" and "I Adore U" are reminders that in or out of drag there's a voice so good it shot Adore to fame on American Idol in the first place; and "I Look Fucking Cool" is a rebuttal to the naysayers who considered her take on drag lesser for its apparent lack of effort and sewing skills. Adore is cute and disgusting, savage while playing dumb; she's "polish remover, ratchet couture, a goddamn mermaid", bitch. People say we're starved for interesting pop stars these days, to whom I say: what more do you want than a glam-rock Valley girl in an Alice In Wonderland dress spitting everywhere and singing "wrap it up, get a room / 99 nos balloons"? Party.There was never any question that Alaska Thunderfuck would top this list. Dressed like an unholy mixture of Marilyn Monroe, Leigh Bowery and Divine, but with a face pumped for the gods with collagen, and a voice like Barbie after smoking 50 fags, this queen has more talent and magnetism than all your faves in hell combined. She's also one of the only Drag Race contestants who used her spindly tattooed limbs to properly smash through the confines of the "drag" genre, topping the US and UK dance charts with her album Anus, and following it up with an equally filthy creation called Poundcake.Seriously: her 2014 hit "Your Make Up is Terrible" should be hung up on the halls of pop genius, beside Cher's "Believe" and Daniel Bedingfield's "Gotta Get Thru This" and everything by Prince. She has single-handedly transformed the way a generation greets each other (with a nasal "hieeeeeeee", to be found and enjoyed on comedian Phoebe Robinson's podcasts, for example). She released a song called "This is My Hair" which contains a chorus that is just her, repeating "This is my hair" in a Russian accent, over and over again.Alaska Thunderfuck is funny and brutal and camp and trashy, and even when the internet turned against her after she threw a frankly iconic hissy fit on All Stars two, she somehow managed to spin it into a work of art, making all the snake emojis people were firing at her on Twitter look like confetti. In her own words: "I am the queen who takes the tragic and turns it into magic, I take trash and turn it into treasure…I am Alaska, and I am America's NEXT. DRAG. SUPERSTAR!"You can follow Daisy and Emma on Twitter here and here. (Lead press image by Santiago Felipe)