Deconstructing Justin Bieber's Deposition

"Guess what? I don't recall."

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Mar 10 2014, 2:18pm

There's something about depositions that really brings out the most entertaining side of artists. You remember Lil' Wayne waxing philosophical during his meeting with lawyers in 2013, but now we have Justin Bieber aka Biebervelli aka Biebelzebub aka Biezus in front of the camera and dropping knowledge.

Justin was in Florida because his bodyguards allegedly tried to beat up a paparazzo for what was probably a very legitimate reason. Let’s set the stage for the show: the paparazzo is named Jeffery Binion, and his lawyer, the one bothering Justin unnecessarily throughout the video, is Mark DiCowden. Justin Bieber will be played by Justin Bieber, and his lawyer, our true protagonist, is portrayed by Howard Weitzman.

Although this video clocks in at just over six minutes, the full deposition lasted almost five hours, meaning that we are currently being deprived of hours of exaggerated eye rolling and fake sleeping by Bieber. Since some people aren't blessed with the gift of being able to take six minutes out of their day to hear a religious icon speak, we've taken the courtesy of summarizing the best parts of the deposition below:

00:04 - Time is money, and Bieber can't afford to have you finish your question before saying "no."

00:11 - "I don't have to listen to anything you have to say" was the original "I was told by Applecare"

00:17 - Justin Bieber just adjusted his swag while staring right at me. Is there a mirror mounted on this camera?

00:26 - To be fair, Australia has become wild forgettable ever since they stopped exporting Crocodile Dundee.

00:35 - What kind of accent is that?

00:49 - Mark DiCowden should know better than to interrupt Justin before he finishes talking, even if it's very clear that Justin had already finished talking. You wanna play by law rules, Mark? Then maybe we should've done this in a courtroom, instead of what appears to be someone's entertainment den.

1:22 - I bet you didn't know Justin was such a film snob. The blame here clearly lays on DiCowden again, as he tries to trick Bieber into betraying his artistic sensibilities by admitting to the world that something shot with a shaky handycam could ever truly be defined as "film."

1:26 - Edited out: Justin yelling "Dude, are you even familiar with the works of Jean Rouch?!?! That's real film, man!"

1:57 - Bieber just winked at me so now I have to go pee on a pregnancy test.

2:44 - Talking about your ex in any capacity is difficult, so I salute Bieber for having the tenacity to restrain his emotions. The 10 seconds leading up to this moment are as tense as any Liam Neeson "film," as Bieber shields his eyes and takes a few deep breathes before addressing the haters directly.

3:35 - Justin Bieber grew up in the spotlight, which meant that he was deprived valuable socializing time while growing up. Had he experienced that period of his life, he would probably be a thousand times better at thinking up come-backs. He's a lawyer representing a paparazzo, he probably gets thousands of spiteful words hurled at him daily, calling him "Katie Couric" is a compliment.

4:26 - What he should've said here is "Usher's real name is Usher Raymond?!" and blamed the fact that he's 20 years old for his ignorance.

5:18 - When asked if Usher was instrumental to his career, Justin does a weird confession-cam delivery. This would be worth noting in itself, but the real kicker happens when Justin messes up his words and accidentally says that he was detrimental to his own career. He tries to correct himself a few seconds later, but it's difficult to hear anything by that point over the sound of my own laughter.

6:01 - It took a lot of coercing, but we've finally established that Justin and Usher are friends AND confidants.

6:20 - Enough of this, the lawyers are confusing Justin! He thinks this is a TV interview! What have you done with that beautiful mind, Mark DiCowden?

@SlavaP doesn't recall