Macklemore's New Music Video is Crazy and Dumb so We Liveblogged It

Today, Macklemore put out a seven-minute video for his new single “Can’t Hold Us,” his single featuring Ray Dalton. It is one of the more elaborate music videos in recent memory, taking place on like four continents (or maybe just New Zealand on some Lord of the Rings shit), and basically proves that Macklemore the Fountains of Wayne of this rap shit, and “Thrift Shop” was his “Stacy’s Mom.” Within the depths of “Can’t Hold Us” lies a very important truth: Macklemore isn’t “problematic” as many cultural hand-wringers like to paint him, he’s just stupid. What follows is a liveblog of the “Can’t Hold Us” video, so you can tell all of your friends about the wild dumb shit that’s in it without actually having to watch it.

0:01—An elderly man with dreadlocks looks up at the sky, presumably looking for Macklemore. Winds blow. Violins play.

0:13—A wolf rises out of the snow. Oh wait, it’s just Macklemore with a dumb hat on. The old guy gives Macklewolf a stick so he can tie a flag that says “The Heist” (also his album title) to it.

0:43—Macklemore runs through the woods and finds a sled with dogs attached to it.

0:46—Inexplicable shot of an old wooden boat before Macklemore is making his sled dogs mush.

0:55—Music is sort of playing now, and we’re switching between shots of the boat, the snowy woods, and the regular woods, all of which are very Real Hip-Hop.

1:04—Macklemore gets on an aquaplane, and I start to wonder if this isn’t just a really long Patagonia commercial.

1:14—A dude on a camel overlooks the ocean. I hate myself for deciding to do this.

1:20—Now the Camel Guy is running through the woods. He’s wearing sunglasses.

1:23—BOAT TIME! Macklemore is totally partying on a boat with his friends. You can clearly see that the dude with the Winnie the Pooh t-shirt is wearing a Supreme snapback, which he probably did not get at a Goodwill.

1:34—Macklemore is rapping in the desert while wearing an Admiral’s uniform, actively proving that he’s a threat to nothing other than us maybe not remembering that there was a time when people who wore silly outfits were tough as shit.

1:37—Kangaroo sighting.

1:43—Macklemore is clearly a post-Eminem hand-gesturer, and also sometimes his mouth makes him look like the Cheshire Cat.

1:52—Now the Camel Guy is riding his camel through a city, and Macklemore is leading the camel.

2:18—Ryan Lewis (the dude who produced the song, duhhhh) is getting ready to jump into the crowd from a window as Macklemore performs. He spelled out the word “Independent,” which makes me suspect he has heard Lil Boosie before.

2:26—HE JUMPED! Will they catch him?

2:28—Yes, obviously they caught him.

2:31—Ray Dalton is inoffensively singing in front of a fence while Ryan Lewis offensively crowdsurfs and Macklemore does his version of that Rap Hands dance.

2:57—Macklemore starts rapping the second verse on a flatbed trailer that is being towed by an old red truck. Ryan Lewis rides a moped through the countryside.

3:10—Macklemore raps, “I’m eating at the beat like you gave a little speed to a Great White Shark on Shark Week.” First off, speed as a drug is an appetite suppressant, and also why would it matter than it was Shark Week? Anyways, nothing new to report at this point.

3:28— Macklemore gets eaten by a shark. Haha, just kidding he’s rapping on a beach.

3:32—Ryan Lewis is still crowd surfing but it’s now dark, which implies that he has been crowd surfing for HOURS.

3:38—Macklemore very solemnly gives Ray Dalton a haircut on the beach, and it’s officially time to ask what the fuck is going on here.

3:57—Ryan Lewis bursts ashore with the “The Heist” flag, Ray Dalton magically now has short hair, and Macklemore continues to look solemn for no reason.

4:05—A mariachi band (some of whom are wearing kilts) perform on the roof of a building.

4:09—Ray Dalton rides a canoe on a river for like two seconds.

4:31—Macklemore entertains a crowd by screaming at them.

4:35—Mariachi band dance breakdown.

4:47—Why is Ray Dalton still carrying this flag? It’s not even his album!!

4:49—I think the new Daft Punk song leaked but I can’t check because of this fucking Macklemore video.

4:53—Ray Dalton croons out, “MACK LUH UH UH UH MOOOOORE,” which is mindblowing because I thought you said it like you pronounce “tacklebox.”

5:07—Dalton shoots a rocket into the sky.

5:20—Macklemore (or, more likely, someone pretending to be him) is skydiving. Only when he lands do we see his face. He’s hoisting a flag on…something. WHAT COULD IT BE THE ANTICIPATION (FOR THE DAFT PUNK SONG I’M GONNA LISTEN TO NEXT) IS KILLING ME.

5:36—Oh, it’s the Space Needle, because Macklemore is from Seattle, LOL.

6:00—The song fades out, but it says we’ve got a minute to go. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE MACKLEMORE YOU CHEEKY IRISH FUCK ARE WE DOING OUTTAKES OR SOMETHING?

6:04—Oh wait, Macklemore’s just riding on the flatbed trailer in silence as some credits roll by. Fuck this, I’m out.

Drew Millard did this because he loves you. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard