Which of These Wannabe England World Cup Songs Slaps Hardest?

"Three Lions," "World In Motion," "Vindaloo." We can do it when we want to. We can make a decent World Cup anthem, and yet in recent years, we have basically refused. In 2014, the effort was so shocking – a version of Take That's "Greatest Day" sung by TV football dads that you're technically not allowed to criticise because it was for charity – that in 2018, it was decided that instead of some nonsense which would almost certainly have featured James Corden, England wasn't even allowed a song. This seems wise, honestly.

However, it hasn't stopped people from trying. A number of attempts have been made to fill the gaping chasm left by the lack of an official, FA-endorsed England song. They are mostly not very good, but if you are feeling in dire need of a soundtrack to getting wankered and crying when Our Boys inevitably get knocked out in the group stage, you might try one of these:

World Cup song, but make it irony. "Chin Up England" will undoubtedly be popular with lads who go to Clapton FC and consider the suggestion that they might wear an England shirt from before 1991 (the year they were literally born) to be a deeply personal affront, but I'm not sure about its appeal beyond that. If you've got a Cool Uncle, he might like it. Borrowing from the jaunt of "World In Motion" (WITHOUT rap, what the fuck), this is synthy and catchy, but ultimately not rowdy enough to catch on.

What you've got here, in plain English, is this: him off the Kaiser Chiefs and Freddie Flintoff doing a bastardised version of Boney M's "Rasputin" which seems to be an ode to England captain Harry Kane, on behalf of betting company BetStars, probably for a few thousand quid and no discernible reason. Why this song? Yes, Russia, OK, but otherwise: why? Who knows? Who even cares to be honest. Woeful. If your dad likes A League of their Own, however, he'll probably think this is the funniest thing he's ever set eyes on.

Now we are fucking talking. You can imagine it, can't you, the CBeebies song being played across Russia's terraces, the crowd chanting its simple lyrics (very important World Cup song characteristic) and ushering in England's fifth goal of the match, the team buzzing off the song's sheer energy, the song blaring out from pubs back home post-match as fans with sunstroke get off their bonces on winning and Carling Extra Cold. The World Cup song we deserve is happy hardcore for children; donk for the turkey dinosaurs demographic. And what could be more purely, more viscerally Football than these lyrics? Say them with me: "KICKY KICKY KICK KICK." Does any piece of music make you more certain that this might be England's year? I don't think so.

(NB: I'm sort of obsessed with football songs, so I'm going to update this blog with more bootlegs as they emerge over the next week or so!)

Follow Lauren on Twitter.