Full disclosure: I haven’t been a fan of Linkin Park since the 7th grade, when "SHUT UP!! SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU" was as mature an explanation of my feelings as I could possibly hope to muster. (2nd place: "IT’S JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU DON’T WANNA WAKE UP") Perhaps Linkin Park don’t really deserve all the slag they’ve gotten over the years; perhaps in poking fun at them based off an adolescent after image, I’m revealing myself to be one step closer to the edge of myopic irrelevance as a critical thinker.But I’m here not to bury Linkin Park. Instead, I’m here to praise them for this document I’ve uncovered on the Federal Emergency Management Agency’s—FEMA, for short—website, in which production manager Jim Digby outlines the proper steps for dealing with a severe weather strike. The first thing we learn is that Linkin Park can be abbreviated to LP, though confusingly enough, they’re never referred to that in the rest of the piece. The second thing we learn is that Linkin Park—whoops, LP—have developed a complex matrix system to identify some characteristics of problematic weather, and how to deal with it.
The image is tiny, but squinting reveals a thorough and responsible plan for handling Mother Nature. THUNDERSTORMS are serious, but most of the suggestions are to monitor the situation and make sure everything is securely in place. LIGHTNING INSIDE 5 MILES is dangerous, too, but taking shelter until it subsides is the proper step. Are there SURFACE WINDS 25 - 40 OR TORNADO WATCH ISSUED? Make sure to cover the gear on stage so it doesn’t blow away. Lower all the lighting trusses, too, so that something big and heavy doesn’t get blown over. If the weather worsens to SURFACE WINDS GREATER THAN 40 MPH OR TORNADO WARNING? Most of the suggestions are to "evacuate to a fixed structure," after hoping that all the previous safety measures—the gear-covering, the light-lowering—have been taken care of, and that the proper number of radio blasts have been issued informing everyone of the situation. After that is the more ominous SURFACE WINDS IN EXCESS OF 65 MPH OR TORNADO ACTIVITY, where the only evidence is essentially "GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE," or "STRONGLY CONSIDERING GIVING UP ON THIS LINKIN PARK CONCERT."These steps aren’t for naught. They’re why LP are the first-ever touring musicians to receive the NOAA—National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration—"Storm Ready" recognition, awarded to entities who prove they have a proper plan. As Digby notes, "this was a proud moment for Linkin Park and a step forward in the industry." He also knows that LP concerts should be a chance "to happily escape from the day-today [sic] grind of life," which is an odd reading of the emotions expressed in… well, it’s just Hybrid Theory and Meteora and that Jay-Z crossover album that I’m familiar with, I guess, but they were never so happy on those albums. Maybe they’ve changed for the better; maybe they found God, and quit drinking.Digby then goes on to explain how fans can stay safe by having a fully charged mobile device with a weather app (which you can download searching "weather" in the app store), and by keeping a careful eye on the inclement conditions as they change. "Remember," he writes, "it’s only an entertainment event." By which he means you shouldn’t be so stoked to see LP that you risk the chance of getting shocked or rained or blown away to death—that while they may come back eventually, you won’t have the chance to see them if you’re the dope who died in a hail storm while waiting to mosh to "Numb."He encourages us to "Be a Force of Nature"—to handle our shit in bad weather whether or not LP is there to tell us what to do. "These few tips can be a matter of life and death," he writes. "Enjoy yourself. But do it safely by having a plan for severe weather." Because what does it mean to try so hard and get so far to see LP if, in the end, it doesn’t even matter? (Since you are dead from the thunderstorm you foolishly chose to ignore.)Jerremy Gordon wears a reflective vest at all times. He can be found on Twitter - @jeremypgordon
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